HAPPY MOMENTS

Hokitika Guardian, 21 March 1931, Page 8

HAPPY MOMENTS

SARAH’S DEFINITION. Alisiress: Sarah, is the kettle boil-* ing? Sarah: No, mum, but it’s on the virgin. HONK! HONK! Driver: I wasn’t going 40 miles an hour, nor 30, nor even 20. Judge: Here, steady now, or you’ll be backing into something: IRRITATING. Diner (who had been extremely difficult) : Have you any wild dueled'” Waiter (fed up): No, sir; hut we can take a tame one and irritate it 'or you. HE KNEW ALREADY. Workman (to His mate): Did you tell Smith 1 was a liar E Mato.; No, 1 da’; 1 thought he k no wed; PEI IF EOT H All MON Y. “Daughter,” said the father sternly, “I don’t like that young man you go out with.” “Yeah?” retorted the daughter. “Well, don’t worry, you’re simply poison to him, loo.” SAUCY. A very corpulent teacher was giving a lesson to a class ol small children on a canary. Teacher: Can any boy toll me what a canary can do and i can’t?' Sharp Boy: Please, miss have a hath in a saucer! AGILE BOSSY. First Ag Studfi: What part of a cow do the chops come from? Second Ag Stude: Don’t you Know? First: Do you? Second: Haven’t you ever heard of a cow licking its chops? I-Z-Z-ZAT S-S-S SO ?

Theatre Attendant: I shall have to ask you to leave if you persist in hissing the performers, sair. Smithers: Hissing!- I w-w-wass-s simply s-s-saying that tile s-s-sing-ing was s-s-suporb. LOGIC. A father was chiding his son for laN. rising, and told him, as an inducement. that a rortain nian being up in •rend time found a purse lull of money. “That may bo,” replied the - son, “but the man who lost it must have been up before him.” ! WOULD HE? At an )1 ris.li count the habitual irunkard was summoned for the usual ■a use. “Ten shillings or fourteen days,” remarked the magistrate. “But I’ve only two shillings in the world.” “Well, you must go to prison, then if you hadn’t spent the money getting drunk you would have been able to pay the fine!” A DEAD CERT, very wealthy man enjoyed the pos session of a beautiful and loving wile, ind a very uncongenial mother-in-law. The latter fell ill and her daughter .vent to nurse her. One day the husband received the following telegram : •Motner dead. Shall we have liesmbalmed, cremated ,or buried?’' The husband wired hack: “Do the three—take no chance!” NO CLAIM. Brown met Smith, the commercial traveller at the railway station. “What are you looking so glum about?” asked Brown.

“Lost a trunk on the railway last week,” sakl Smith shortly. “And put in a- claim for fifteen pounds against the company ” “And the company refused to pay up,” interrupted Brown. “No,” came in angry tones from the commercial traveller, “they have found my trunk.” CANDID. At a meeting of his creditors Isaacs was asked to make an offer. “Veil.” he replied, “the best vat I can do is two shillings in der pound.” “Ridiculous,” said the principal creditor. “Veil, den, half a crown,” replied the debtor. “Hopeless,” was the reply of another of the company. “Now, listen,” said Isaacs, “I’ll do my best to make it three shillings, but believe me, gentlemen, I gif you my vord of honour, I shall lose money by it!” A M ATEUR LAWYER. Penitent : I have stolen a fat goose from a poultry yard! Priest: That is very wrong. Penitent: Would you like to accept it, father? Priest: Certainly I will not receive stolen goose—return it to the man from whom you stole it. Penitent: But I have offered it to him and he won’t have it. Priest: In that case you may keep it Yourself. Penitent: Thank Imp,' father. The nriost arrived home to find one ofthis own geese stolen.