PASSING MOMENTS

Hokitika Guardian, 7 April 1930, Page 7

PASSING MOMENTS

THE: MISTAKE,

Plumber: “Did you want a plumber, lady?”

Lady: “Want, indeed I I wrote last July.”

Plumber: “Wrong house ’Arry. Party we’re looking for wrote larst May.”

CONSULTING

Chairman (finishing eulogistic speech): “Our dear old friend has lived among us for 40 years is living with us now, and as he says, hopes to live among us for many years to come. Gentlemen, I can old add that we are looking forward to burying him here.”

THE OLD GAME.

A miller fell fast asleep in his mill, and bent forward until his hair caught in some machinery and a fair amount was torn out. Of course it awakened him, and his first bewildered exclamation was:

“Hang it, wife, what’s the mattei now?”

SCOTCH V. IRISH

Pat (to Sandy): “Have you heard about the Scotchman who started beekeeping and put some glow-worms ii. the hive so that the bees could work a i nights?”

Sandy: “Yes, I have. I’ve also heard aoout the Irishman whose bicycle saddle was too high, so he let his tyre down.”

A HELPING HAND

“Please, madam”’ asked the pretty parlor maid, “may I have a day off to go and see my aunt?’’

Before her mistress could reply, little Peggy, who had certain inside information on the subject, added her pleadings to the maid’s:

“Oh, mummy,” she said, “do let her. Her aunt .has just been .made a sergeant.” .'..VV'V ; ; >; ' : y ;

THETpST.

The. teacher • ha& Ee'en giving Johnny and Jimmy a. lessoiiiin good‘behavi6ur. and, in order to', test - them, held out two .bags of sweets,' one large and one small.''- " C {• ■’ • .

“Now then,” .she-.said, . “I want to’ see which of you has the better manners.”. ■ - 'A; . V| >'

“Oh, all right, teacher,”' Johnny said, '.grabbing the largest bag, “Jimmy has!” ’ • 1

SOME! DRIVE.

A navvy went home to his wife one evening aild said: “Sarah, I have bought two tickets for .a whist drive.” She looked at hint in surprise and replied: "What a shocking waste, we can't play whist.' 1 “No,” he remarked, with a grin. “ but I thought the drive would do us both good.”

HOLD YOUR- HAND OUT

The schoolmaster was also the chief of the village fire brigade. “Jones,” he remarked in school one day, ‘‘correct the following sentence: ‘Before any damage could be done the fire was put out by the village fire brigade.’” _ “Yes, sir,” replied the boy. lne fire was put out before any damage could be done by the village fire biigade.”

RUINATION.

Silas Grippitt was a- tight-fisted, hard-hearted old farmer. His brother William died and Silas drove into town to have a notice of his death inserted in the weekly newspaper. ' “There ain’t no charges, lie there ( he asked anxiously. •<Oh yes, indeed,’’ answered the clerk. ’ ‘‘Our price is ten shillings an inch.” “Ruination,” muttered the old man. “An> Bill stood six foot two.”

THE 'FORTY THIEVES.

An American who had never paid more than 25 cents (one shilling) in bis own country to see an exhibition, went to a theatre in England to see “The Forty’ Thieves',”. The ticket-seller' charged him Passing the. pasteboard back,, he quietly reifia.rked : “I guess you can keep it, mister; I don’t want to see the* other 39.” And he walked out with true American dignity.