TOLD THE MAGISTRATE

Hokitika Guardian, 11 June 1927, Page 4

TOLD THE MAGISTRATE

LONDON, April 13. Julia, wearing a green coat, coughed apologetically as she entered the dock and remarked. “A certain mail knocked my hat off and that is why I atn here.’’

•■Her lint was in her hand when I saw her."’ said P.C. 520 E. "She came up to me ami said. ‘Take me, take me.’ So. a- she had taken too much, l- took her.’’

• i was sensitive over my luit, insisted Julia, who. being a regular olfeuder. was lined 20>.

Susie arrived with a. market basket and a sweet smile. “A pertect stranger abused me with a loud voice, ’’ she complained. ‘I am only a. poor old charwoman. 02 10-day. and it isn t what I spend that gets mo into trouble; it is the glasses 1 get for nothing owing to 111 v good nature. .Susie, too, had a long record of convictions, which was increased by a Tils line or a month. Susie took tile mouth.

"| have a little boy to keep and I have been summoned lor Thursday, said Florence at U.lO p.ni.. and at Jl.ll she seized the hand of a constable and hit his little finger. “They want her at Clerkeuwcll. announced the gaoler, so Annie paid Ids at Bow street for disorderly conduct and then hurried away to lace a similar charge at Clerkeuwcll.

“I don’t know you. Where do you come froiiiL’ demanded Annie ol a constable in plain clothes and the Elision road.

“Oh. I’ve known you for about lour months, ’’ replied Hie constable, “and I’ve been waiting to show you where I come from.” And Annie, who pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct, was taken to the police station and introduced 1 1 the inspector.

Erie, who is wanted in his own country, wherever it is. to explain a matter of £O7. which he has brought to London, asked, 011 being remanded, if he could have £2. “What do you want it for?” inqui*-

oil the magistrate. “For food.” replied Eric, who isumetliiiig of a gourmet, with a prejudice against gaol cooking. Ho got £3 and retired with an appetite for lunch.

Wilfrid, on a visit to London, said he was both ill and drunk, and he was arrested hy a young policewoman. “I Min a chronic ease ol malaria.” said Wilfrid sadly. “I ant saturated with malaria and neurasthenia and T am rather pleased 1 was picked up bv the young lady. She probably saved me from being run over.”

Edward, an elderly man with grey Whiskers, said lie was a consulting engineer and had odd consultations in Northumberland and Durham, but. work being slack in the North, he meant to trv his luck in the AA est of England anil lie would he grateful II the magistrate would leave him 10s Gil his fare to Bristol, “f had not been in London f° r three months,” lie explained, “and yesterday I met some South African friends and the glamour of friendship combined with the fascination of the city were too much for me, hilt T promise you I will go west to-day if you will leave me 19s fid.” A fine of 10s left him with his fare and the price ol a lunch. * * * *

Roland, seeking an Oliver, stood in James street and challenged the entire population of London to fight. The only acceptance was front a red-haired policeman, who, without striking a blow, put Roland down for the count of ten in shillings.

Two U.S. seamen, one wearing a leather belt and the other a weary look, set out to compare the social amenities of London and New I ork. A constable watching over those in peril on the spree heard them sing the first verse of "Sweet Adeline,’’ and then hastily removed them at the earnest request of a suffering crowd who told him what lie should do with the drunken sailors. “Ten shillings each.” said the mag- i istrate. “That’s five dollars in real money; have you got it?" demanded the belted sailor. “Yep." replied the weary one; and the pair beat it for their boat. * f. * * ' -

Dismal Desmond, who looked like the spring poet of comic caricature, was so annoyed at being refused admission to the Underground Station at Leicester square that he smacked n policeman's face. "How sil| v of me!” he exclaimed. “It is bound to bo expensive.” It was. the bill coining to 50s for the light smack.

Silk stockings and hats have been cheap and plentiful of late in Brightside lane, where stockings have been sold at Is Gd a pair and bats at 3s to 4s each according to style. George Wardburst’s Aunt Edith supplied the bargains, which her nephew told her he had obtained from a bankrupt stock. For two months Brightside lane was renowned for its glistening stockings and its smart hats and then George Wardhurst’s employers began to notice a large deficiency in their stock. George, who is a porter, was suspected, and detectives who visited ( Brightside lane found 81 pairs of silk j stockings and 18 hats in If) different i houses. George the porter was sent j to prison for two months, and the price of stockings and hats has gone up in Brightside lane. a * * * *

Elsie, a young married woman, went into a cafe for a cup of tea and came out with a fur coat belonging to an-

othcr customer. Later in the evening Detective-Sergeant Rose, mot EJsio carrying a parcel, and ho inquired, “AA'hat have yoii got thero?” She candidly replied. ‘‘lt's a fur coat which ] stole at a cate." Elsie’s husband told the court that his wife’s mind was affected because there was noGprospect of their having any children’, and the Bench, talcing a lenient view, put her 011 probation.

Searching for another fur coat, missjijcr front a garage, a detect it e found a waistcoat which George AYliitham could not account for. “It’s a poor substitute for a fur coat,” said the deteceive, “hut a waistcoat is a. waistcoat, so come along.

George, who had never stolen so much ns a button before was bound over. The fur coat is still missing.

LONDON. April 15. Nellie, a domestic servant, a sullen brunette with an abbreviated skirt and ait extensive vocabulary, glowered at I’.C. 230 B. who had arrested her in St. George's square, Pimlico s fashionable quarter, for dancing the Charleston with two young men at half-past one in the morning. “The residents were looking through their bedroom windows. ’ said the otfircr. ‘'and it was because of what they said that I asked the dancers to deM>t. The two men obeyed, hut the girl said. ‘lt’s more than you can do to take me to the station.’

P.C. 230 agreed, and summoned another officer to assist him. and Nellie, deserted hy her dancing cavaliers, did an 'improvised Charleston all the wax to the station.

Air Boyd, the magistrate, treated her sympathetically, but Nellie continued to abuse the imperturable PC. 230, ami when she was hound over, in--teacl of being grateful, she turned to Mr Boyd and witlieringly exclaimed. “You call yourself a magistrate!” Then for the next five minutes there were “noises off” in the ante-room. It was Nellie registering disapproval.

Next came Alary, the homeless ch.-ir-woiiiiiiji. who wore a long apron am! a still longer list of convictions for drunkenness and begging. She was lined -Ids, and making her exit on the opposite side from Nellie, the domestic. she was heard, distinctly heard, bringing down anything hut the premise of spring on to the assembled police coupled with the name of .Mr Boyd for whom she fervenl.lv prophesied a sudden and not unpaiiiful death.

Followed Jeanne, a French woman who, accused of insulting behaviour, spoke English with an accent that emphasised the extensive capacity of our native tongue for forcible and facile epithets. AYlien the liative-btm prisoner calls a policeman :i liar it really means no more than a polite diflcreuce ol opinion and is accepted as such, hut when Mile. Jeanne, with a delighttul accent, insinuated that the constable who arrested her was “a zhontlemaii that did -pik a lie,” then the officer blushed.

Mile. Jeanne was remanded for a week, and she left making most interesting observations in two languages.

Her departure did not conclude the Afav mminings, for when AAilliam, who wore a buttercup in his button-hole and an anxious look in his eyes, was accused of molesting girls at Victoria Station his young wife rose from her seat at the hack of tile court and flew signals of suppressed eloquence. “f had had a few drinks, and what will iny wife say?” wailed William. The next moment he was full ol information, hut to his astonishment his wife, instead of rebuking him public!'.' for exploring woods and pastures new. turned furiously on the unfortunate constable who had arrested him. and she had to lie forcibly removed l>v the warrant officer. Wives are stubborn creatures, and it is safer to take away the cubs from a lioness than publicly to expose the shortcomings of a husband in the presence of his wile, who reserves the right to administer any punishment due to hint as her own perquisite.

George, the young meat porter, said he would pawn his purple suit, to pay the week’s rent. lie was not an altruist. merely an opportunist. His mother Imd given him Ids with which to pay the same rent, and lie had returned with the rent-hook initialled with a signature that aroused the suspicion of his older brother. “If anything happens at our house," wailed George, who was remanded. “I am alwavx ill it.”

“Yes,” agreed the mother, “he i what you call ‘obstropulons.’ lie wa: horn like that."

A Grenadier Guardsman put a French franc into a cigarette machine which generously returned the franc and a packet of 20 cigarettes. “It was a mistake.” urged the young Guardsman wim gAticfly through the warm ami skilful advocacy of his commanding ofiieer was given the benefit of the doubt and discharged. 'Whenever a British soldier gets into trouble his officer always is at his elbow. T once knew an Irish Guardsman lined £5 at Afarluhurougli street Police Court for knocking out three policemen, and his officer, alter paving the line and making a pertect act of contrition, gazed fondly at the culprit with the eye of a proud parent looking upon a favourite child who had brought honour and profit to the family.

“I want a separation from my husband because be only comes home on Fridays and he is unfaithful.” said a young wife sternly. “All,” replied Air Boyd blandly, “What you need is the Divorce Court, Where it- is not no nocos.siirv to p«iy hi<zli Fees. You go to the Poor Persons Department at the Law Courts, and if they are satisfied you have a. ease all you will have to pay is small out-of-pocket fees.” Everv woman in court was impressed by ibis simple and convincing statement of freedom made easy for the divorcing poor.