TOLD THE MAGISTRATE

Hokitika Guardian, 30 April 1927, Page 4

TOLD THE MAGISTRATE

LONDON, -March i. .Matrimony in the inner circles ol the Lst End is neither a failure nor a otLi ry ; nor call it he tailed an experi,ici!t : it is merely an episode. In tho r.iivdctl aten that extends with varia- ,;■ i,s fro.n Atdgate to t-imehmiso marring, s are not made, they just occur. ! 'that is why every Monday morning Imtncs tb-lit e Court is a sort of matri- . nonri! consulting room, where wives tailoring from an epiileme of eontagi-j ms d'jmo,-.;|::( ity eonihieliliy seek the nagi.strato to get him 1-, administi r i >n a.'itidote. Yesterday the queue or •• patients ’* j was abnormal!;, long and the ban-asset! warrant officer was kept busy tor hall m hoar before the opening of tin: i ourt trying to classify the different complaints. Instead of striving to separate Mie she p from the goats lie tried to get some order by dividing the " hits ’ from tne “ misses”: a hit meaning assault and a miss representing desertion. hut with a multitude of complaints and a babel of tongues ho piii-kiy gave up the idea ot an organised parade, and arranged the applicants in a line that extended from the witness-bo to the street he stood aside and hoped for the best. “Monday morning!” sighed Mr Cairns as lie took his seat and signed to the janitor to close the door. And with a “Come one, come all" air ho squared his shoulders and received tho attack of the head of the column. It was an exciting combat in which the barrage from the domestic army was eventually silenced by machine-gun tire from the bench. “ Mv mother-in-law wants to get rid of me.” complained a husband ot 20 who had just married a bride ol 19. “ She turned me out "I bed yesterday afternoon and threw me into the street because she wants her daughter to lie free and have her fling.” “You are too young to (omplatn about marriage,” said the magistrate; “ see the missionary.” .*■»**« “ My husband lies in hod all day and stays out all night, and when he is not doing that he is in and out of prison,” declared a capable matron who obtained a summons for neglect and the admiration of the rest of the queue. “ J have come here again,” wailed a

woman of uncertain age. wearing a more uncertain bat, who .might have been a model for the original Mrs Gnmmidge in “ David t'nppeiTield.” Our “airs Gnmmidge ” was lamenting over the “ old ’un.” who, however, was not dead, only difficult. “ l lravo no happiness at all,” she moaned. “ I have been married for 35 years, and you can do what you like with him. I can’t do any more. The children are against me and lie encourages them.” “Madam,” observed Mr Cairns, “I cannot make you a successful wife.” “ Feed the brute,” may lie an excellent if cynical maxim, but the next applicant did not want a book of proverbs, she needed a cookery booK. “ Everything 1 set before him bp grumbles about,” she said indignantly. “ What does be like best?” asked the magistrate, who is wise in the ways of men. “ Tf I knew I would not be liete,” retorted the angry wife. “Everything cook for him is wrong; there never was such a man so particular about hfs food.” “And you havn't found his favourite dish!” murmured Mr Cairns. “Some of you women seem to think that marriage is going to he Heaven. It isn’t, it’s a disciplinary process.” “My husband is too happy in his job,” declared another of the great discontented. “He works among spirits, and lie is always full of them. I called him out of bed when his supper was ready, and being a bit deaf I could not reply to wlmt he said to me three times.”

“You were sulking a hit?” suggested the magistrate. ’Hie wife, who was diplomatically deaf, smiled and left the box without pressing her case. * * * * * Very wise in the ways of the mean streets is Mr Cairns. “ Mt husliand has not given me any money for three

weeks,” complained the next applicant who wilted at tho magisterial query, “Have you been getting into debt?”

Placing her elbows akimbo, a determined little woman announced. “This is the third time 1 have come here to protest against my landlord.”

“Precisely,” retorted the magistrate. “You are the lady who'specialises in trouble.”

Yes, sir.

’ agreed the warrant

officer earnestly. “ If he annoys you don't pay him.” “ The last time 1 took that advice,” said the determined little woman bitterly, “Judge Cluer fined me to lls (id and it cost tho landlord £8 Bs.” “Then you got the better ol the deal. Continue as before.” advised MiCairns. who philosophically observed: “ Time will heal most troubles; and some troubles don’t require healing; they are luxuries.” The fates are win king against Annie, a middle-aged woman of no gresit importance, who lias been driven to distraction by drink and the dentist. Three days ago she lost her last tootn. and the following day she lost her .selfrespect' and was fined at • Lambeth Police Court for being drunk. She was lined at Lambeth sit 11.15, and exactly an hour later she was arrested in Bermondsey for celebrating her appearance sit Lambeth. “ Quick work." remarked the magistrate. looking at Annie with the 1 reverential regard oi ;; connoisseur in- ■ sporting a rare exhibit. ■j “ Yes, sir.” agreed Annie, “ft was | quirk. As soon as I was let out at i j Lambeth 1 went to the hospital, and the doctor gave me two draughts that - inside me sick and lie wanted to give me sin injection, lint I told him 1 ' ,-nsldn’t stand it ami I left. lie was >j a nice young man. ssml I am afraid he J was very annoyed, Imt having iust had i-; all my teeth taken out 1 didn’t take 1 ; kindly to doctors.” ij “ flow slid you get drunk in an i hour? ” asked Mr Tassell. who was ob- - viouslv worrying about Annie’s quick 1 drink. • I’m sure I can’t tell you.” replied '. Annie modestly. ”It must have been 1 the two draughts. All I know is that

1 feel very hath and if I am kept in custody 1 shall die.” “Strange,” murmured Mr Tassell, sis he imposed si 5s line. “ L don’t know how she did it in the time.” She could get a lot in sin hour,” remarked the world-wise dork. •■ Yes, I know, but she went to the hospital in between: it’s marvellous! ” concluded the magistrate. LONDON. March 5. Shop lifting by young girls ol the “ dancing mad ” type is rapidly liecoming one of the most lamiliar of eases at the metropolitan police courts. Unable to resist the double appeal ot pretty clothes and the Charleston, scores of working girls, finding their incomes unequal to their vanity, bccome expert shop thieves, and the large stores are losing thousands of pounds from systematic pilfering. Not poverty, hut vanity, is the direct cause o.f the downfall of the majority of these gis ts, many of whom leave their homes in the provinces to seek “a good time ” in Loudon. The easeof Beatrice, a Lancashire waitress, ami Emily, a Welsh cinema cashier, charged with shop lifting at West London Police Court yesterday is typical of many. I.'eatriee, aged 25, came ITom St. |h lens to London in search ot romance and finding only delusion turned to cxi itmeat sis the next best thing. Emily, aged 21. left Swansea to enjoy i.s Loudon the attractive life she had seen only on- the screen, hut soon learned that the substance did not fulfil the promise ot the shadow. She met Beatrice in Kciinington-road, and the elder girl took her to share her 10s (isl-a-v et-l< room. Until girls were mud on dancing, and si,.- problem of clothes was solved by Beatrice, who taught Emily how to slip jumps- is, silk stockings, and other pretty things into a large paper hag. With detection came full admission. Mr RatcliflV Cousins decided that the younger girl had keen led astray by the elder one, and despite her sobbing protests he sentenced Beatrice to a month’s hard labour. Emily stood stoutly by her friend declaring: “She has been very good to me, and I am as much to blame as she is.” The girl in t.lie green hat submitted an unusual matrimonial problem to the Bench. “ I’ve got a new husband.” she announced cheerfully. “ and will you please stop his uncle from saying I am not his wife. You see it is like this: T was not properly married to mv first husband because he was a bigamist, and I am properly married to my new husband.” “ Has the court decided that your first husband was a bigamist? ” inquired the magistrate. “ Oh. no, it never wont to court.” “ That is unfortunate for you,” remarked the magistrate. “ for unless and until tho court Isas so decided he is not a bigamist.” “Oh, that’s all right.” replied the girl in the green hat, “hut please stop my new husband's uncle from saying T am not properly married.” “ He can he summoned for abusive language,” said Mr Rntcliffe Cousins, gazing in some bewilderment- at the hack of the girl in the green hat as she tripped blithely out of court.

William and John are two rival motor ear watchers, hut while John is licensed to watch, William holds a kind of watching brief for any car that requires watching. And this was what caused trouble outside the Daily Mail Ideal Home Exhibition, at Olympia.

William, keenly on the watch said lie was asked by a gentleman visiting the exhibition to look alter his car. “I'or two and n half hours I watched that ear .” said William virtuously, “and then, np comes the man”—indicating John with whom he shared the dock—“and hits mo in the face.”

“They were both fighting over the money" explained a constable. “This one”—pointing to John—“is licensed hut his proper place is higher up the road.”

“For two and a half hours” repeated William, “1 watched the car and—” “Six of one and half a dozen of the other.” declared the magistrate, binding over both watchers to watch, but not to prey.

Albert George, who had been n farmers boy in Wales and did’nt like it tried being a greengrocer's Ikiv in London and did not like that either. But what really worried a detective who found him in possession of a motor rug was where Albert George got that same rug. Being endowed with a vivid imagination Albert George kept the defective 'scouring the greater part of London, following clues which Albert George provided as they occurred to him. But search as be might the detective could find no owner to the rug: and firmly rejecting a suggestion from Albert George that perhaps he had brought the rug from Wales, the officer offered no evidence and Albert George was set at liberty to look for another job.

Burglars and house-breakers have been so active recently in the Hammersmith area that the police have been anxious to discover the ringleaders, so when P.C. Isaac, in plain clothes, caught the glint of keys in a doorway adjoining a garage he disguised himself by removing his coat and hat. Hiding in the garage he kept watch on

the buntil of keys which were attached to Leonard Thinly, who was accompanied by William Skipper. Confronted with the keys. Hardy handed them over with the request: “Sling them for me.” “Vos, it’s a shin" term used bythieves and means throwing things away.” explained the officer, who added. “'The expression is also used by respectable working-class people who pick up thieves’ vernacular.” Both old offenders, the men were each sentenced to three months’ hard la hour as suspected persons. ii W H Detective Wood and a charwoman played a sort of a. poker game with a hand containing Tl tickets, but the charwoman “raised” him with a “(lush” of 15 and took- the “pot.” Or rather she took two pots, a coffeepot and a tea-pot, both silver, irom tier employer and she was remanded for sentence.