TALES TOLD TO THE MAGISTRATE.

Hokitika Guardian, 29 July 1926, Page 4

TALES TOLD TO THE MAGISTRATE.

GAOLERS’ SOLILOQUY. 1 (By 11. E. Corder in the London “ Daily Mail.” . “Queer tiling, crime,” said tlio 1 gaoler at Bow-street Police Court, as ' lie lingered lovingly over a list of old : offenders. During tlio strike,” lie continued, '' “it took us all our time to fill the dock, and wc are slowly recovering : from the slump. Take this morning’s list. There is nothing really enterprising. It lack's the Bow-street touch and, excepting an attempted murder charge, the list might be suburban.” j i He shuddered at the word, and found i consolation in the memories of nearly 25 years’ service. j Sir Charles Biron, the premier mag- ’ istrate, forgave a motor-driver who is also a porter and a man of all work in Covent Garden market for mumbling, and after hoping he would regain his voice, granted him a summons for j wages in lieu of notice. j Then up spoke a sergeant, who, | glancing pensively at a middle-aged , man who was earnestly examining a bundle of papers through a pair of eyc--1 glasses, said, “J. have interrogated I this applicant, and can make nothing ; of him and I do not think the court 1 can help him.” “Providing he speaks up anything is possible,” remarked Sir Chartres; and ' the applicant, an organist, and teacher of music, spoke up to the effect that a woman to whom lie said he had unfortunately done a kindness was so gratei ful that she was for over seeking benefits to come. i “She bangs round my studio and inj terferes with my pupils,” ho wailed, | “She waits outside the church where I 1 play the organ and she says I. have dragged her to the gutter and she has ■ no place to lay her head. And she lias turned my studio upside down.” | Slander being outside the region of 1 the court Sir Chartres advised the organist to wait for another attack on his studio and then take out a summons. i j * * * * * * ' “Why doesn’t she go in for wireless?” murmured the gaoler as lie eonducted to the dock Nellie Vincent, one ; of the “ regulars ” whose attempt to 1 sing the stars to sleep introduced her to a constable who objected to drink ‘ and discord. •j .“I don’t know what can bo done 1 with ber,” admitted tlio gaoler. “ Slie > lias been in gaol every month this ■ year.” : i “Well you can’t complain this time,” ' .said Nellie, “for J walked into the ' police station myself after 1 had lost 1 the policeman.” ' ; “ Home, sweet home,” hummed the ' gaoler as Sir Chartres remanded Nellie ‘ for a week’s reflection and consideration. “ This girl lias got a shocking mother,” whispered the gaoler as a I shrinking blonde, with a peach bloom I complexion and wearing a pink dress, I with a defiant carnation at her ! shoulder, sidled into the dock. | She was charged with not reporting her address after she had been bound over for being drunk and disorderly

and while the woman missionary was relating the girl’s history to the magistrate the gaoler was conducting a private inquiry of his own as to where Lhe girl got her clothes.

“All dressed Up aren’t you?” lie whispered. “Yes,” agreed the girl. “I got them ” But the information was lost through Sir Chartres ordering a week’s remand. “Shocking mother she has,” reiterated the gaoler, who seemed to be sorry for the girl. * * * * * *■

Discharged from his ship at the East India Dock, Frank Kilkenny bought a grey summer suit and a pair of brown hoots and set out to live bis dreams of n night in the West End.

Being a. tall and powerful young man with the tan of seven seas on his genial face, it was a long time before lie was discouraged from entering pub-lic-houses where be was not welcome.

Two policemen eventually succeeded ig conveying a hint that he was not popular, and he was so concerned with tlicC news that he promptly paid 5s and swiftly sought another ship.

It was a merry party that celebrated the birthday of Ernest’s eldest son, who was joyously acclaimed as a credit to the Smith family. A very jolly Saturday night it was; so jolly, indeed, that Ernest, on the principle that if a thing was worth doing at all it was worth doing well, kept up the party on lii.s own. Four days after the event he was, found by a constable waving'a bottle of beer over his head. “ You must meet my son,” he assured the officer, who calmly detaching the bottle of beer from Ernest, bold it like a carrot in front of a donkey and so led him to the police station.

John May’s idea of enjoying a. holiday will not commend itself to popular acceptance. He came up from the country determined to have a good time and after exploiting the social amenities of saloon bars lie sought and found excitement in a. stand-up fight with a stranger in Gorrnrd-street. Two detectives, looking for more formidable prey, took John May in their stride and, disentangling him from his opponent, told both to go away and have tdeasnnt dreams.

The stranger took the hint and liis departure, but John May declared that he had come to London to enjoy himself and having been deprived of a source of joy in the removal of the stranger he aimed a blow at one detective and spat in the face of the other. John May’s idea of amusement is expensive, for the interlude in his vacation cost him £5 10s fid. DETECTIVE’S MIDNIGHT VIGIL. (By R. E. Corder in the “Daily Mai!.”) When the last customer had left the Cock Tavern at Highbury Corner, N., and the landlord had counted the night’s takings and turned out the lights, a stealthy figure sat- in the dark at an empty table. An hour passed and nothing happened. Another half-hour claimed and tho silent figure never moved. Tho noise of outside traffic died away and the silence was broken

only by the ticking of the saloon bar clock, the bands of which crept slowly towards midnight. Four minutes wanting to the witching hour, the silent watcher gripped the empty table and with nerves tingling and every sens#- alert b e hugged tlio ejoak of darkness around him. Ho bad heard the jingle of keys, tlio click of a lock, and softly, whispering caution, two figures slipped into the saloon and vanished behind the bar.

Then, his vigil over, Detective Inspector Butt rose from the tabic, blew bis whistle and the saloon bar was filled with light and eager constables. Behind the bar crouched two engineers, Bert Crusher, of Islington, and George Fontham, of Clorkemvell, who put up.their hands and agreed it was a proper catch. At Clerkemvell Police Court they were committed for trial for inciting a, young potman to commit a felony. The potman, who lud previously been bound over at the court, obtained a job at the Cock Tavern through the court missionary, and when lie was tempted to give up the keys of the bar and safe lie informed his employer. Hence the silent watch of Detec-tive-Inspector Butt. ,

After this real thrill the kinenia adventure of William, wlio will bo 19 on Friday, lacked punch. After seeing the pictures at Camden Town, be dropped through a window into an area to look for a shilling that wasn’.t there, and when the attendant handed him over to a policeman ho made a dash for liberty.

Being somewhat deaf and shortsighted, ho ran into tho anus of another constable. He had been moved to melodramatic adventure by toe pictures, and his stepfather earnestly promised that l:e would discourage, him for similar nonsense in the future. And he looked the sort of man who would keep his word.

Two middle-aged women glared at each other under the watchful eye of the warrant officer, who explained that, each wanted a summons against the other.

No 1 complained that No. 2 came home Into, waylaid her in the passage, and bruised her arm. No. 2 asserted that she and her family had been to the theatre and No 1, being jealous oT their Bank Holiday outing, chopped down Die banisters, threw out the mats, anti scattered ashes over the floor. . .. . Mr Dummett, the magistrate diplomatically bound over both women to keep the peace towards each oilier.

A very, very old woman, who wore the. black bonnet and beads :and the black shawl fashionable when Victoria was Queen, complained of tho ultramodern ways of a young woman who lived in the flat above. “She is a terrible person,” quoted the old woman. “She sings savage songs, dances wild dances, and smokes cigarettes, and when I gave her a piece of my mind she shook me.” “It is natural for the young to dance and sing,” remarked Mr Dummett, who instructed the warrant officer to attempt the impossible task of persuading tlio new generation to lespect the prejudices of the old. lhe beads in the bonnet will never tremble in tune with a two-step.