Old and New

Horowhenua Chronicle, 16 September 1913, Page 4

Old and New

\ r AIiIC)L"»S JOKES AXD QUIPS. A lariuci- returning home late at night found a man standing beside the house with a lighted lantern in his hand. "What are you donig here y ' lie asked savagely', .suspecting he had caught a criminal. .Fur answer came a chuckle, and "it's only me, zur." The J'aiiuer recognised John, his shepherd. "It's you, John, is it. What on earth are you doing here at i-his time o' night?" Another chuckle. 'Tin a eoortin' Ann, zur.'" "And so you've come courting will) a lantern, you fool. AVhy, I never look a lantern when I courted your mistress. ' zur, you didn't zur," John chuckled. "We can all see you didn't zur." "Yes," remarked the philosopher, "deafness is indeed a terrible affliction. Hut in such cases nature, you know, always provides some compensation. At any rate, il a man is deficient 111 one sense he usually has another abnormally d'-velopeil. .Now j knew a pool blind fellow whose sense of touch was positively uncanny. tteall\ it served him almost as well a:eyes to a normal man. "Sure, ' said the genial Irishman, who hitherto had taken in. pari in (he discussion, "an" I have noticed ihat too. There a friend of mine, he's lame poor chap, but he can get about almost as easily as you oi' I. True, one of his legf is short, but the oilier makes u]: lor it by being three inches longer." A ([tiack doctor was holding lorth about his medicines t<. a rural audience. '"Yes, ' gentlemen, he said, "1 have sold tiiesi pills lor over twenty-live, years, and have never heard a word oi complaint. .Now, what does thai prove:'' .From a voice in the crowd came "That dead men tell no (ales." Some of the inmates of an asylum were engaged in sawhig wood nnd an attendant though! that an old man, who appeared to be working as hard as anybody, had not much to show for his labour. Approaching him the attendant soon discovered the ca.use. The aid man had turned llie saw upside down, with (he teeth m the air, working away with the hack of t lie tool. "Here, 1 say Join's,"' remarked the attendant, "what are you doing!-' o,fll never cut the wood in thai fashion. Turn the saw n*er." The old man paused and looked K the attendant. "Did you -ever try - the -saw this vayY ' he asked. "Well, no," replied the attendint. "'of course I haven't." "Then you hold your noise, nan," was the instant' reply. ''T lave tried both ways, and"--im-nressively—"this is tlie easier."