"Players and Slayers."

Horowhenua Chronicle, 30 June 1910, Page 4

"Players and Slayers."

g, . A FOOTBALL ' ORITIC'S HUMOrti AND. PHILOSOPHICS. " IMayars and Slayers," a b«Hfk which tlie author describes bci-ug " for footballers ami non-foo'toal-lors." has been published by (Joi - don and GmU'li, for the "author, lAII TJN>. F ainiiiiiig', of AYelling'ton. -Mi Fanning po.sesses a quaint vein of humour tiia'.t makes, everythi ug lu> u'rite.s entertaining, and bis nv niarks are flavoured by the quality of shrewd comment which forms flu 1 ' best savour fur a dish ol" 'humour. The author is a- brother of "Hemic" Fanning, tbe representative -um\ Zealand footballer, mid some interesting reminiscences of that dashing player are* given in the book including a confession of how the luithor user} to " sia'to" his broths in print, anonymously, And enjoy himself listening 'to "Be.Hiio's" »:v. * deniiiations of tho idiotic critic. Thi-n-hole. ibook is full of good things, and everybody who has a taste loi tin* whimsical should buy it. Sonne of the chapters include* excellent master which was published in tlio Evening Post las't yonr", uiuler the pen-name of "I'oor Fonur;!," biri tweii'ty-four of the thirty-two chapters are now published for the first time. The auihcr attacks nian\ fetishes; from "the wild artillery ci poting backs" down to the referee who knows every rule And case-law off by heart, but who cannot apply bis knowledge. "Players ami Skivers," which bears on its covei ■a representation of the moa and tin kangaroo "exchanging bites ovei a football, is an excellent shillingsworth, and we can heartily recommend our readers to secure copies of it. As a sample ol 'tbe author's stvle, wo reprint his chapter on " Hacks and AYaybacks." which has for its moitto these words: "A m.' V.i may make his mark in .football air.' get only a kick for ln's pains. Then, again, ho may make his mark, and a little stickine plaster wi'l hide it. All is vanity." BACKS AM) AY AY BACKS. (By Leo. Fanning.) " All boys are born barks. \Yho has? not. 'admiired. the ( two-yuu'-old running around tbe afternoon teatable, practising drop-kicks with a piece of Royal Doulton? And the skill of the throe-year-olcl in finding an opening in a pie or attaekiing a jaiii jar on the bliir.l side o-i mother .augurs well for prowess latir on in the fir 1:1 'of play. But, unhappily, the "bonuncss'' of the back passes with his milk teeth.

though tin 1 individual's he!lcl' in special talents for half-hacking niul thre<M|uarterintj: usually nii-na.iiiis. Kverv hoy Relieves In* is specinlly desijinwl to ho- a world-beater :l>olun<l. tin* scrum, -and lie \vlu> can overawe liis cnivtemporaries with his fist w' take that place (or used to). Theol:l idoa fl.m'onji adults was that the slim-looking ptM'SO'HS sliould he hacks, and the burly ones should lie the "food for powder" in the vaiitinai'd, but to-day one may see some heavy dragoons in the rear division and some very inhntry at the front. Macks fall naturally into two divhionw- hacks and way-backs. The way-hacks are those 'halves, fiveeighths, and tbree-qii'.nrters who have only a distant acquaintance with their work. This type of h'ek should getaway >back over the deadhall line, where he will he of mor.' use to his side. It is more helpful to have a live r'-nrr <: 11 the barking line than n stuffed lion on the field. .•-'OlllO hacks :p-o totally backs. Thev have n>o front, no side. or head. They are like Ivie'id's 'inint. Ti'ey Invp prwitiu.'i. lint it,-!' ti'de. Olibers lnnv he nil ''■front'' or all "side." The haeks wi i( . nn /Hit u*!!,v~bnrks may he clarified a< | setters, retrievers. p.ointen. huiii!'-', sMHis. and nshhii- ho d'sti 11011 islied from t!i j "rnbhiier." wh may lie r |:iite a useful quadruped ii r -ve"li>!ik(vl hv the referee*. Tv: cl' , !--.siii:iaf.io , i niav nj>!»r-*il to anvhrvls who li'?s played Rugby or \v-:itrl>(vi the sport closelv. and the meaning nisiv he emphasised by a passage c.| ore of it; murderers said to Macbeth: " AVr are men, my How," he retorted: ■

Av, in the catalogue ye go for men As hounds and greyhounds. men spaniels, curs. Slioitgli.s. wait or-rugs. and demi-wo! vt\s are ok",xKl All by the name t.\f dogs: tin.' rain cd fila Di.iti n puis lies the swift the slow. Hi, subtle, The housekeeper, tho hunter, even •one, According to the gift which hoiin terms nature Hath in him cWd ; whereby he doe recoivo Particular addition from the bill That writes them all alike. We (the terrible ban<l of critics) at one time or another, h.nve al been the "Hill " "that writes then all alike."

He who nspii-es to be a hack should first ooumfc liis thumbs, an;. 1 discover whether ho has two left Ices or not. The novice may fin:! out, with some emlwirnifisment to himself ji 11 d aminiK.il to his side, that he has ten thumbs. Some harks seem to have twenty thumbs. , m «t> peculiarly :ifTlirtod persons should firmly sot themselves to retrench the thumbs, nt the rate of at least one ,per Saturday, and count no foothall ma'tcli day well lived unless a superfluous thumb has been retired, with no compassionate allowance. The back, too, will he a failure if ho gets his thumb cut down .'to two, hut has them both on one hand. His next care should be to get his eyesight and compasses adjusted. Verv defective vision, \\"hioh may fail to reveal the presence of a huge charging forward, is a common ailment among backs, and some oif them have very or patio. ideas about the cardinal points of the compass, Others, plucky enough to see any numbe' of wild forwards at close range, hftve 110 eye for an opening, even when it is thrust upon them. A visit to the oculist- is advised, or penhaps to nn Amiable phrenologist. Euclid says that a line is length without breiadth, hut some backs have corrected the definition to breadth without length. These an the persons who find 'their own goalline a fatal attraction. They makefine sprints for the other team. They use much horse-power in wil:' stampedes from one side of the field •to the other, without gaining th: length of-a toe-cop. They have no more notion of siinaighit running than the jockeys in a "readie.d-up'' race a,t an unregistered meeting. Perhaps the saddest heart-brH'akei to a toiling set of forwards is the. back who kicks like a mule, and with as much intelligence, when he should run, and runs like a hurdvgui'dy Wihen he should kick. "When a hack has this diseass should bo sent .to Ifche club's .abattoir. • in a he will attempt the right rm.in.bex of kicks and runs, but they are wra\g kicks like

ball ull tic * oho mammoth arm, iam:l the other 'hoboing powerfully up mill down like a steamer's piston. ll' fclie sun does noi lw\ip*pon to bo coiiO'iiltiJ'iit oly shifting ei.i Miu-li a time, the ground may kindly prove fo lit* greasy, or Itenror.struck back .iii:iy at'f.ic!oiiilun Ily knock ■one t:>!' his I'ee.t >ngainst >blie other, ■and by hi:ok "or creek anlisitieal'lv fall prane. Sumo !)M"ks may till us 'lodge cl;ing-t cby the sheer fear of it, .and mt.luM?*, grey linn mils, may be .merely saving I heir (lee't limlbs <a.n.cl felines IVV other work. Two 01 three til' New Zc:ilanu s ni<w4t rein \\ iie.l .backs have i>fen very noticeable victims of sunstroke ait convenient l.inies, lint generally their c.ire of themselves tins bene!ite:l tlu-ir in t.'ie long ran. Yet it requires .a i<iul.til iule of virtues ito cover !'ic .Oi of funk, wlcn it is really funk. SiMiie banks play for their si tie: others play for the gallery, which is a fickle paitii:nn, after all. The man who plays for tlvj gallery plays for team whi"h has too many captains. " Playing /or the gallery" began among the monkeys. It i. c ■a very. very old In.bit. The Earl v.f Surrey, five eVniuries ago, made a ((iiaiiii!' reference to the practice: — The palm play, wlie-'e desported ioi the game, "With da/.ed eyes oft we, by gleams of love, I five miss e'd the ball, and got sight of our dame. This gallery busing take divers forms, all vicious. It may take the shape of feigning much pain antl distress after a very slight knock 01 !'.t kntvk. I't is a well-known seem: ve.ry pathelie to tlie 1111 initiated. The -11• u ken five-eighths goes sad 1> to earth. lie may assume a posi !i.kt? the laying CilndiaUw: "Iris drooped ihe-ad sinks gradually low.' !

Then in; writhes; im may groan; rnn-.lioti.v may signal for the doc,tor. I lostiilitics eeas;Even the fierce eye of st'lio blood-stained A\'inir-for-warl may he 'nomentarily softened with i>iliy. "First nid" is applied. "Kirst .aid" is the. same tiling f«»i ■ill t'(, ! :)t'h:i!l accidents. from -a broken leu; to concussion of the brain. T-lu j'Tscy is rolled up, ;:n(l the modest eiKi'Vit,nuts close to shnit oil the view of the "prcl'aimin villous" nnd th eair from bhe smitten ooie; :>ikl his oh-, st an:! rre vigorously nihhed. The .aetnal thins may ho this:-« ( , "Are von much hurt?" ask ln.<. antes te'nderlv aflte-r they have restored the five-eighths to "consciousness,"aiKl gently assisted linn to his ret. . "No, I wasn't hurt anything to -■k.ak of." replies t':e I'i'i'n. " hnt I'm off-color, r to-day. and, king it. f must get a rial) somehow." The applan; \ whicih lollows the. rapid recovery, is a spl. 11 lid tonic. Srvrf iiH'ii, who lai! to d'o any111in'.r legitimately ren'arkahle during the ordinary course ol the game, roui't easy notoriety after tlw whittle has blown. A man may !>e violenilv knocked over after lu has hi'ly marked, or a scene like this iitav be witne.W'd : — -| didn't think we was out of 'i.inii did you?" 'aid one ,'-'d. gaily bleeding liis oppon.v.jt's ir<? \ Oil tl'c grass beyond the touch-line. "No,'' replied the (their, smiling, -s lie clinwe.'l agirrrvor's ear. "but it don't in•• ke much d'ifiereii'"e, yrr. V.VU-e UKi'-e room tc d-e.il it :"'!it better here, and get seen !>v the e'allery." ' forward--', a e not all free frran a f':n io"ss for the gallery, bn(t back.< the n:i>tempted and ihave tin -r 'vt <r fall. A man. on' \y him•v.'ll', v.' ; rh tI MI eves of the fair -an'

the ni'l'-yir • iy•>>i liiin. inay an easy prey f.v Mm <]-eirc>n of vir.-itv, nil-' '•.li-f'll-llt ti flic i»>«i;Vous to pui f -jv.tVv f! -i)i'l flounce on is t!u rot): .!v (:t tin* rli-- , OH lsnls!i.~ art- irnoil — vo!|mu Ir» vv ones. f,f A I'l'fflU.V i ; : l|,c. I.H'-II'H-'*? nil till* f'T; 1 - hni at nichf are rxr!'!!viit. I lie e -11 i. -) 11 sl'inil'l also y.H'tt to himself i'lvMv p. lino (. 1" ''La I'oupee" ■'Tin :t poor little novice, cci in Mi; " As an .vl!''Moml onr.nfm nrnce'liire. Vigilance _ . ("tiK-nwirilv •arnn>(l with rc-rulr-en nii'l .shct-wns n> the I'mvi'lk.a C-om-niifloe* ' f I'nl-morsto-ii) M ! >';;iltl 1)'.: stitione:! on tlif line to nt ; !rr ermticns i.n (fonler penalties it the of; i';»>ee is r'Siji-tt'-'l. Olio su<i<tf«.tec: s'.vik* UFirst- offcifco. n caution s.'.'oml offence. cn-mpiil.<«i(ni to wea-i hiir ribhons: tliirrl offence, c-fMivpul sii:n to wear a fluffy hlnnse instwu i f a .jeryy.; fourth offence, plaii skirts: fit'Mi ofT : < inc. clireetoin skirts *, sixth offence, there will In iii!> sivMi offence. There are some backs wlvo ncci

dentally piny for the 'gallery. Tlhoy would ho painod—-oven -disposed to pnnoli-—if ao'.11«e:l of entering for S':e .LM'aitfl,stand. Those are the persons who give tlie people- "a run for their money." Tliey turn theii eves hnekward, like the hare's, fliKi fly. The people like motion, poriHtual motion, and those eyeless, hendlos-;, heedless hacks supply the demand. They p.re not an -asset to the team, hut they are a solid asset ito the HiiLi'iiv ['nion. They are Cood vaudeville--a very atti-aotive, p;r "turn." If they do not make football, ithoy at leasit make fun, awl ho who o'in make fun livo c not in vain. gratamiMEgVJh-JMIMUB. I