SHINGLES FROM AN OLD ROOF.

Hawke's Bay Times, Volume IV, Issue 194, 30 September 1864, Page 3

SHINGLES FROM AN OLD ROOF.

BY A FBEE AND EASY SHINGBEB. TURN HIM OVER. I once knew a very excellent and worthy magistrate, who earned the gratitude of the people amongst whom he lived—(Ami if he’s not gone, he lires there stiU) — by summarily clearing his district of a vast number of notorious rogues and vagabonds. I say, he earned their gratitude, not that he gained it; you see, there is a significant distinction between the two phrases. The bulkiest folio would scarcely contain .the names of all who have deserved popular gratitude ; but the very thinnest of duodecimos could not be filled with the names of the few who have obtained due recognition of their services. Moses, Coriolanus, and the Old Shingler, are three very notable, but by no means solitary instances of this great public sin. Wherefore then should my friend, the magistrate, complain if a perverse and dim-sighted generation has failed to appreciate his exertions at their proper value. A very peculiar and original method had my unappreciated friend for discovering the character of the worthies who, much against their will, attended his court. “ I think I know you,” he would say, after a little confidential chat with Policeman X. “ Turn him round, constable 1” And turned round the presentee —(a new word, Brown, fresh from my own mintage—-very much wanted, and to be prized accordingly)—turned round accordingly, I say. the presentee would be. “Ah ! I thought so ! Turn him round again !” And the process was repeated. There was no question as to the result after that. No man was ever turned round before this modern Solon, without enduring the direst penalties of which the law permitted the inflictien. Insomuch that certain Vandemonian students have been known to declare, that they would rather “ do two lives' ’ than be “ turned round” by the inflexible magistrate. “ Use every man after his desert, and who shall ’scape whipping ?” Who so brave as to underdo the ordeal of turning round ? Not before the smouldering coals of malice, or the consuming fire of vengeance, but before the inexorable Rhadamanthus—Truth. Come; you are arrested by Mr Detective Conscience, and brought ; p for trial. Here there sliaTl be no concealments, no flimsy artifices, no masks, nor any false hair or artificial noses. Stand forth in your true colors —reveal yourselves in all the undisguised deformity of . your moral ugliness. Oh ! ray dear and much-beloved brethren, my lovely and adorable sisters—hurry out of the court everyone of you, lest I cease to believe in the existence of any —-even tiie most infinitesimal fraction, of human goodness. Sfaj ! go not away impressed with the idea that the Old Shingler is utterly sceptical of the existence of moral worth and virtue. Far from it. His faith in the superior prevalence of good instincts is illimitable. He believes that there is not on earth a human being so vile as to be utterly destitute of some traces of Divine origin. But what a tremendous crust of overlying vices have we often to penetrate ere we arrive at the diminutive ; virtue which lurks beneath. Let us be prudent, nevertheless. The gold-seeker despises not the day of small things. He knows that although there be put a poor pennyweight in one dish, there may be many ounces in the next. Why should we not profit by bis example, and carefully cherish the faintest indication of Letter things in the hope that it may lead to the fuller development of a richer mine ? So you must admit, my trusty and confidential shingle-loving public, that I am not a moral infidel, nor a sceptic nor even a cynic. Nevertheless, I cannot help seeing men—aye, and women too—as others see them, and in sober truth the picture is not always pleasant. Shall I expound, with a firstly, a secondly, and so forth ? Shall I exemplify, and trot out a few of you as bad examples? Good : I will do so. Only, I pray you, believe me, I have no malevolent feelings to gratify, neither do I care to pander to any man’s 'idle curiosity. I am always ready to do a good turn to my friends when the opportunity offers, so we will begin with our old acquaintances. Brown, Jones, and Robinson, Place Brown in the dock, constable. So: now Jet me apply a moral glass to my intellectual eye. A very fair-seeming fellow is Brown. I know he i's charitable, for his name appears in every public subscription ist. His benevolent feelings seem to have obtained the ascendancy over his habitual prudence; for the five guineas which be contributed to dear, coaxing Mrs Timpany’s list, has been supplemented

by a further donation of two pounds and two shillings, for which his name is down on the card of merry Miss Giggler. But I know him. Ha !he cannot deceive me. Turn him round. I thought so. His charity is all a sham—his benevolence mere ostentation. In his heart ot hearts lie knows that his offerings are not prompted by compassion for suffering humanity, but stimulated by the desire of standing well with the world. Let us try what a little hard labor will do. The sentence of the Court is that he tend the sick, and minister to the wants of the destitute, personally, for the space of three months, and if he appears here agian we will deal with him yet more severely. Now, Oones, what are you here for ? To all outward appearance you are a good man, —nay, an excellent man; a regular attendant at church, and a soft-spoken, clean-shaved utterer of devout ejaculations. Yet you are here charged with being a hypocrite and a base deceiver. What is that you are saying ? “ I lie, I cheat, do anything- for pelf, But who on earth can say I am not pious f" Why that sorry defence is stolen from Tom Hood, you rascal. Don't you see what a scandal you are to the very name of religion ? What a handle your case affords for all brainless scoffers at good things ? Turn him round. Why his back is scored with the ugly gashes of many well-deserved flagellations, and the broad arrow glares ruddily through the threadbare cloak of assumed piety whe ewith be has had the tremendous audacity to cover his sinful shoulders. Faugh ! Take him away, constable, and see that he be soundly scourged. Call on the next case. Ah ! Robinson, are you there again. Truly, you are a most incorrigible offender. Eh ! what, you are a highly respectable citizen, are you? And you pay rates and taxes, and have “ two gowns and everything handsome about you ?” Nevertheless, you are here charged with gross and persistent immorality. Do you deny it ? Turn him round! Ah ! you think the Court has forgotten that little affair of unlimited 100 with locked doors. You can't account for the presence of those mysterious “ props” in your pocket, I suppose. Oh ! you are as woudrously innocent as all such criminals ever are. Pshaw ! You shall have a taste of solitary confinement, and a light diet of ,_bread_and water, till you come to your senses. Bless my soul ! whom have we here ? As I live —Miss Arabella Smylar. Hand the lady a chair, constable. Bray be seated, madam. lam really sorry to see a lady of your position so distressingly situated. Such a pleasant and amiable person as I always supposed you to be too. I find that you are charged with petty larceny. Is it possible that, you are a victim to kleptomania, and have been impelled to appropriate—-or shall \ve call it “convey” as mine Ancient Pistol advises ?—to convey, then, certain uncousidered trifles such as gloves, or Ess. Bouquet, or the third volume of the last sensational novel ? No, it is none of these. It appears that on a certain day, to wit, &c., you did - falsely and maliciously take, steal, and carry away, the character of our mutual friend, Airs Tippitywitebet, by wrongfully imputing to her, the said Mrs Tippitywitchet, improper aud incorrect conduct, iso. Miss Smylar, you are a filcher of good names it seems—a morallarcenist of the deepest dye. Put aside your lace-embroidered kerchief and let the court see your face. All the tears you can ever shed will fail to effectually eradicate the stains on Airs T.'s reputation —stains so idly aud thoughtlessly caused by the mis-use of the god-like faculty of speech. Turn her round ! Yes, it is even so. This is not the first time __you have been before the Court. The cicatrice on your beautiful shoulders is scantily hidden by those luxuriant masses of glossy hair. You shall be sent to the Female Reformatory ; and, however painful it may be to my feelings, it is my duty to pass upon you, the severest sentence which it is in the power of the Court to inflict; —nrmely, utter and complete silence for the term of one hour, and I sincerely trust that this terrible punishment will be the means of inducing you to restrain your unruly member in future. What! are there more offenders ? Are all the people coming up for ju lament? Faith DU stay here no longer, lest the old Shingler be charged with some grave offence against the Ordinances of the Abodes and Persians. Clear the Court, constable ; and hark ye ! 1 see Dan Wallaby in the crowd. Tell him with my compliments, that the sun is at its meridian ; aud request him to come to my private room, that I may turn him round. And as to that inconsequential consonant, — AI. or N. as the case may be—who has brought an unfounded accusation of plagiarism against the Court, indict him for contempt, and we will proceed to judgment at our next sitting.