HOW TO DRIVE A MAN MAD

Hawke's Bay Herald-Tribune, Volume 81, Issue 8, 2 October 1937, Page 11

HOW TO DRIVE A MAN MAD

"Advice,,, By An English Psychoiogist SOME OF 21,000 WAYS There are 21,000 ways of making. people cross (states a psychologist in an English paper). At any rate, so say the committee of Ecientists, who classified, indexed and cross-indexed the whole 21,000. Given more timo and half a dozen new iiiling-cabinets, I don't doubt they. 'd have discovered more. Coining to brass tacks, no wife, who really wants to drive her husband crazy, should experience any real difficulty. Trouble is, too, many wives don't want hard enough. Hence their failure. The first fundamental principle is to demoralise him Puncture his pride. Deflate the ego, by God! Sabotage his self-respeci. Undermme his confidence in himself. As a husband. A father. ' A lover. A bread-winner. A social mixer. If they tell you he's got brains, why anyone knows that a reai woman wants warni humanity and strong masculine emotions in her maui Should you hear derogatory xemarks about him, pass them on. If you have to invent thenu that halves trouble and time, oE course. But give them a twist of your own. Subtlety," above all thingsl If he has a few company tricks or pet parlour jokes, be sure you announce, catalogue, explain, imitate and caricature them — ^before he gets started. But if he merely tries to make couversation on his favourite topic — gardening, Liberal Conservatism, Poru cars or what-not — give mm a ten-word start before you ask in a clear plaintive voice; "Must we have that all over again?" Eefer to him as "he." Except when he is obviously depressed, exhausted or clenching his teeth with frozen rage. Address him then as "But Wumpsieaarling" or some such ridiculous m.ckname saved for just that sort of occasiqn. The moment he opens his mouth — that's your signal to start. And talk a great ,deal. • Cultivate a gushy, olive-oily voice for company — and reserye your natural querulous whine for home where it belongs. If he has no talk and no tricks, ask him hasn't he any thing to say? Never settle a quarrel — nurse it until you have a good and sympathetic audienee. You might even call at his office and settle it there. Side with the children against him — every time. That will teach them to despise him. Either cross the road well in front and reproach hiiq for inconsiderately not waiting. Or cross well behind and ask, what sort of a man lets his wife riflk her" life ? If you've got a tiddly-tidy mind, expect him to be tho same. If you haven't, let him know that he is a pernickety old fusspot and should ha;ve stayed bachelor. If you're a good coolc, serve your meals unpunctually. If you're not so good, rocket up into caustie dyspepsia-ereating remarks if be lceeps the food waiting more than a minute. If he trims his nails or spikes his hair when thinking — if he etiuw his coffee one hundred and. twenty-five times— be sure to imitate him — with a sly glance towards those friends of yours that he happens to dislike most. If he hates the way you squeeze tooth-paste tubes from the middle, curl your lashes in public places, scatter face powder over his hair bruskes, don't endanger your mentai health by trying to suppress any thing. Monotony — if you can keep it up — has been known to cause insam.ty. One woman I know got excellent results by saying and doing the same thing' in the same way, at the samo time for a long timo. To succecd, you need an iron will — or extreme stupidity. Second fundamental principle. Neglect no opportunity of disturbing him when he seems happy doing something — or nothing. For you eeo — after demoralisation, COmes frustration. You'.ve probably got tho idea. So I only need throw out a few random hints.

For instance, keep a handy list of his pet aversions. Maybe it's more trouble to-be systematic. But it pays. Put a few tiny ashtrays in the wrong places— —and blow him to blazes lor sheer inconsiderateness. "Typical of the man to drop his ash any where!" _ Twiddlo feverishly round the radiodial, when ho's trying to xead his paper. Get a , suddcn desiro for musical comedy or travcl-tallcs when racing news is about due. Third and last principle. Even if you still clierish some small sinouldor of affection, never show him it — exeept in public. Then — when ho's just about to have an internal iit, say, "But, Wumpsio darlmg. ' ' Mother him a litlle if you think ho dislikes it. Euffle his hair. Other.wise, if you must submit to his affection, ■ do so as a painful duty. Scientists have discovered 21,000 way of irritating a man. Not trying their hardest, either. - A woman" wlio can't think up something new doesn't really deserve to lose her husband.