SHAKING HANDS

Globe, Volume XXIV, Issue 2716, 22 December 1882, Page 3

SHAKING HANDS

[“ The Queen.”]

"What is the real etiquette with regard to shaking hands is a question that many are inclined to ask when they have found something to object to in the matter of handshaking. A student of human nature might reply that, beside the question of etiquette, which is distinct enough and simple enough for all exigencies, there is the still weightier one of temperament to be taken into account, which, in many, drives etiquette out of the field, if by etiquette is understood not merely stiff propriety of action, but politeness in the truest sense of the word, and doing that which is exactly the right thing to do. Etiquette rules when to shake hands and when not to do so, when to bow and when not to bow, when to rise from a seat and when to remain seated ; but in spite of this knowledge, which is within everybody’s »3acb, there is great offence giV;n and taken in shaking hands. “ How very odd she did not offer to shake hands with me,” says one 5 or, 11 He actually shook hands three times, and would a fourth if I had not got out of it.” remarks another ; or, “I dislike particularly shaking hands with him ; there is no reason for the warmth he displays ; 1 hardly know him ; it is next to

impertinent to be so over einprcsse when shaking hands/’ says a third. “ I never shako hands with her if I can avoid doing so,” says a fourth ; “ she gives one two fingers; it is so supercilious ; 1 suppose she fancies herself too fine to shake hands with ordinary mortals.” “Well, anything is better than the limp, uncomfortable manner in which Mr Brown shakos hands with one,” returns another ; “ he ia a great friend of ours, an old friend, but when I extend my hamd to him he takes it only to drop it instantly, and I have quite to pick it up, as it wore. I wish he had a more pleasant way of shaking hands.” “ Why does Major - V. pump his friends’ arms in that extraordinary way when he shakes hands with them; he may mean to bo friendly, but it looks very foolish,” remarks another critic. “ One should never wear rings when one is obliged to shake hands with Mr White,” says someone else; “in an absent sort of manner he crushes your poor fingers together till you cry out with actual pain, the rings making weals in your flesh. This muscular grasp is too hearty to be pleasant.”

Why do people raise these comments oi become so chronic in their style of shaking hands to call them forth. The lady whc gives offence by not shaking hands whci expected to do so is actuated by more reasons than one; she did not shake hands because she did not wish to do so, she intended to keep her acquaintance at a distance, and she succeeded, or, she might not have been aware whether she ought to have shaken hands or not, so being in doubt she laid herself open to being accused of hauteur, or, she might have forgotten that she had not already shaken hands. The gentleman who shakes hands three, four, or five times if permitted, generally does so because ho is either flurried, fussy, or nervous —three phases of undisciplined feeling should he controlled, but which are often exhibited by both men and women. Over familiarity or obsequiousness are also the cause of so much undue handshaking. The gentlemen who shake hands with groat warmth and empressment are two distinct individuals; the one is cordial and largehearted and has a friendly grasp for everyone, a grasp indicative of kindliness, geniality, and good fellowship, the other wishes to ingratiate himself in certain quarters, and loses no opportunity of demonstratively shaking hands, but no one is deceived by this spurious imitation of the real thing; and the one man is as much liked as the other is despised, the one is a really good fellow, the other is a porte pantalon. The lady who gives but two fingers to people whom she does not care about, is always a person who fancies herself, and who feels very fine; she doubtless is, but her good breeding and her good feeling are both in question when she takes this method of showing the superiority of herself and her position over that of other people. Mr Brown is unfortunate ; his manner of shaking hands is aggravating—he cannot help it; it arises from nervousness ; there is something wanting in him somehow, and his friends are aware of it; probably his whole life is as limp and colorless as his shake of the hand. Major V. is a rough, unpolished, awkward sort of man, he does everything awkwardly ; he pumps the arm because he does not know how to shako the hand. Mr White is an inconsiderate man ; he forgets that ladies’ hands are soft and tender, and that rings hurt very much, and that he is not shaking hands with a comrade just returned from India whom he has not seen for years. There are other eccentricities indulged in by different people when shaking hands; and there are, as we have said, people who shake hands when they should not, and people who do not shake hands when they should. This brings us again to the etiquette side of the question, and queries as to the right thing to do under certain circumstances are put (by those who are not quite sure) to their intimate friends, who are themselves, perhaps, not the best authorities on the subject. Some people, however, are so thoroughly satisfied with their manner and demeanour that they never pause to consider what impression they create ; evidently the “ giftie ” has not given them the power to see themselves as others see them, and their angularities of manner remain unchanged. There are others, on the contrary, who are over-sensitive about doing the correct thing, who attach far too much importance to trifles, and allow this feeling to become perceptible to all. They are so afraid of doing the wrong thing instead of the right that they often make the very blunder they are striving to avoid.

“ I wonder if I ought to have shaken hands with her when I was introduced to her F ” inquires a lady of her friend, whom she regards as a fountain of knowledge ; “ I half put out my hand, but drew it back again, as I was not quite sure whether she meant to shake hands with me.” “It entirely depends upon whom you are introduced to,” returns her friend, who is well up in the manners and tone of good society, “as to whether you shake hands or not.” You would not shake hands on being casually introduced to a person altogether a stranger to you, but yet there are so many occasions when it is both proper and correct to shake hands on first being introduced, and the rule on this head is a very elastic one. For instance, a host and hostess invariably shake hands with every stranger introduced to . them at their house. You would shake hands on being introduced to the relatives of your relations by marriage, such as your sister-in-law’s sister or your sister-in-law’s mother; with your brother-in-law’s brother or father; with your future husband’s uncle and aunt or cousins ; with a brother or sister or mother of an intimate friend; or under any similar circumstances. “If you do not shako hands on being introduced, ought you to do so on departure ?” is the next inquiry from the one who is not quite sure. “ Ah, that depends,” is the rejoinder. “ You should and you should not. There are occasions when to shake hands wouldbe polite ; and there are occasions when your hand would be de trap. If you had enjoyed conversation to any extent with someone to whom you had been introduced, and found you were getting on very well, and had a good deal in common, you would naturally shake hands in taking leave of each other ; but if you had only exchanged a few common-place sentences, a bow would be all that is necessary.” “ Ought a lady or gentleman to be the first to extend the hand F” is a further inquiry. “ The lady usually takes the initiative,” is the answer, as she does with regard to bowing; but in reality it is a spontaneous movement made by both at the same moment, as the hand ought not to be extended or the bow given unless expected and instantaneously reciprocated. For a young lady suddenly to offer her hand in farewell greeting to one not prepared for the honour leads to an abrupt movement on the one part, and to a little confusion on the other. Shaking hands on taking leave is with some few people a graceful and pleasant fashion of saying good-bye. Who has not felt the kindly pressure from the hand of an intimate friend—not a shako of the hand only, but a holding the hand while the last words are being said F Women hold each other’s hands thus on parting, and some few men take each other’s hands; but with them it is rather a foreign fashion, and is principally followed by those who have lived much on the Continent; for, as a rule, an Englishman prefers the hearty English shake of the hand. “ How about shaking hands with ac quaintances at a dinner party, or at an evening party F” asks someone else —a listener to the foregoing questions. I never quite know what to do. “ Many are in the same doubt as yourself,” replies Madame Etiquette. “If the dinnerparty is a small one, and there is time to quietly shake hands with those you know, it would be correct to do so ; but if there were little time before dinner, and no good opportunity for shaking hands, bows to acquaintances at distant parts of the room, or when seated at the dinner table, would be sufficient for the time being ; while at an evening party it depends upon your being able to get near enough to your friends to enable you to do so.” Having once shaken hands with a person, you are, of course, at liberty to repeat the civility whenever you may happen to meet, unless a decided coolness of manner warns you that a bow would be more acceptable than a shake of the hand.