LITERATURE.

Globe, Volume XXIV, Issue 2628, 8 September 1882, Page 4

LITERATURE.

THE TELLTALE CONFESSIONAL: A VEftY "QUEER STORY."

You all remember the great hubbub that arose when the Rev. Peter Orricle set up a confessional in his church of St. Benedict's. There was a correspondence about it in the papc rs ; tha bishop interfered, and threatened legal proceedings. Mr Orricle defied bia bishop, but a mob having broken into the church one Sunday, and having smashed the confessional, Mr Orriole gave in. He fitted up an oratory In his own house, set up a carved oak confessional In It (which had been presented to him by public subscription among his filends), and announoed that he would hear confessions there.

Mr Orricle did not marry Miss Ignatia 81ark until some weeks after he had reduced his diocesan to silenoe; and it must be owned that if his lady parishioners bod been aware of his matrimonial intentions, the subscriptions towards that new confessional in carved oak would not have been so abundant as they were. Mr Orriole's marriage was not a popular proceeding; it was regarded in some quarters as being almost a breach of faith. For had not Mr Orricle often talked through his nose about the single life being the blessed life? We are not laughing at him beoause he talked through his nose, for this was an infirmity of Nature; but beyond doubt bis utterances acquired an additional degree of solemnity by passing through his nostrils, even as mere wind becomes tuneful byj escaping through an organ pipe. 'lhe young ladies who poured the stories of their souls' torments into the celibate eats of Mr Orricle were taken aback when they heard that he had re considered his theories about single blessedness ; and each said to herself, in alarm—' Suppose he should tell my secrets to that horrid girl, Nassle!'

For about a year after h's marriage Mr Orricle'a confessional was deserted. The fear of .Nesjie kept penitents at a distance. There were even some girls who blushed when they met Ms Orriole, atd fancied tbey could read in her looks that tha knew a great deal about them. But this was not the case. Ignatia Orriole during the first twelve months of her wedded life never made the remotest allusion to her husband's proceedings in the confessional. She was a quiet young woman, neither pretty nor plain, with intel igent eyes and deoorous manners—quite a pattern clergyman's wife. Perhaps she had no de ire to see the confessional employed again. She herself had only c 'me to it once before her marriage, and on this occasion Bhe had casually confessed amongst other things that she should inner.t £1,003 a year when her grandmother died. After her marriage, whioh followed cloae upon this revelation, she had nothing more to confess ; a'-. loaßt, she never asked her husband to tell her of any clergyman besides himself who kept a confessional open to all comers. But a year after Mr Orricle'a marriage bis wife's grandmother died, and left Ignatia nothing. From this moment tbe vicar of St. Benedict becsmo a melancholy man and his wife was soured. The parish noticed that there was something wrong, f >r the vicar began dismally to allude in his eermons ti the deceitfulaess of the fl ah, to the blessedness of monkery and virglnhood, and once more he exhorted hii parishioners to come and unbosom themselves In his oratory. Thereupon a few ladies came. If Mr Orricle had waxed plnmp and prospered in matrimony, they would have stayed away bat he was a handsome man, and doleful Io )ks suited bin we'l. His nasal laments were aUo very touching when he was truly sad. Women are notoriously pitiful; they saw that Mr Orrlc'e was growing estranged from his wife; and while they pitied the v'car, they thronged to his confessional with sooae secret charitable hope of making themselves dlragreealle t > Nasale ; but they were quite mistaken If they tho ght that Ignatia Orricle was going to submit tamely to being annoyed by them and by her husband. Ignatia was not one of your nervous women, who melt into tears, scream, and Boold She had a tongue which could cut like a razor, and a k.en, dear mind, whioh could measure the shortest road out of a difficulty, and tread on the same with a resolute foot. She saw that a crisis had arrived in her domestic affairs. Ihat disappointment about her grandmother's monpy was very grievous, but she was not responsible for it, and therefore it behoved her to see that she was not made to bear the penalty of It In the shape of a perpetual destraotion of her connubial happiness. She meant to snbdue her husband, to bring him baok Into the paths of marital

J proprieties with a firm hand, and make of him a submissive and deoont companion thenceforth. In ordor to do this, she deter* mined that her first step mußt be to abolUh thnt confessional. Ladias will acknowledge that Mra Omcl« had some reason to ba ti.ter. There w.iro days wfcea Mr Orricle's oratory waß fall from noon till aftee dusk. The vicar ruiased his lunoheon because of hiß penitents ; he would be late for dinner, anl Bit all the evening in his arm chair, aud giving suappiih arswers to simple and affectionate questions. He was continually receiving little net s on pink paper, and answering them in letters which filled four pages. Two of his penitents gave him special labor and trouble —a Mrs D >ucer and a Mirs Lydi» ■ ongniah. These iadits were after him at all times They remained In his oratory for whole hours, and if they met the vicar in the stre3ts they affected to whisper confidentially in his ear*, even if Mrs Orrlcle were Btanding by. To make all this worse, they treated Mrs Orrlcle with a cool politeness bordering on contempt. But Ignatia bcra it all admirably. Neither by ward bii sign did she express her displeasure. Her husband was a priest; who did his clerical duty in oonferring privately for long houTS with sinful women. Why should she object to it ? That was the line she seemed to have taken up ; and the Rev. Peter went on his way, complacently imagining that he was free to act as he pleaded, being, by the sacred character of his fancbionß, above domestic oiitiolsm. He even accentuated his natal twang ; took frequent ocoaeions to administer grave reproofs to his wife about trifles, and stalked about the parsonage with the air of a superior being, whom it was seemly for Ignatia to worship. Poor fellow! Once a year the ' Buperior being' used to go away for three days to visit his own parents, who lived in one of tha northern counties When the time oame for this annual vlßlt, Ignatia pleaded that she was too unwell to ac:ompany her husband ; so the Rev. Peter went off alone. This waß the opportunity Ignatia had long been watohing for—patiently as a oat watches for a mouse—patiently as a jesleua worn m who seeks revenge. The instant Mr Orricle was gone, Ignatia paoked off her servants for a two days' holiday, giving them money to go and see their friends ; then she shut np the parsonage, went to the ra ; lway station, and took the train. The same day she returned with a b. x containing a complete telephonio apparatus, and two workmen who were strangers to the parish The orders which Ignatia iesued to these workmen were very precipe. They must adapt the telephonio apparatus to the confessional In suoh a way that its presence should not be suspected, and the wires were to communicate with a oloset in Mrs Orricle's dressing-room. The workmen were not to leave the house until their work was done They were to sleep at the parsonage; they should have all the beer they wanted, and a sovereign a piece besides their wages to hold their tongues when they went away. On these terms the two men set to work very diligently, and in a couple of days they had executed their task with the utmost cleverness. In a oavlty produced by the carving inside the oonfessioaal they made a hole, and insorted the o*ifije of the telephone. The wires were drawn up through the wall and ceiling, and the acoustic tubes were placed in the closet above-mentioned, where Mrs Orrlcle kept her dresses, and of which she alone had the key. The operation necessitated the removal of a part of the walnsoote in the oratory, and of some of the paper above it, but the walnscote was put back in its place; a few yards of new paper were procured from the upholsterer to replace that which had been torn off, and the ceiling was fresh whitewashed to cover the spot where the hole had been made. Everything wao neatly done, and Mrs Orrlcle herself lent a hand to the work throughout. The two workmen went away perfectly satisfied, and thinking that the lady (whes* name they did not even know) was a very pleasant and liberal person. Tha Bev. Peter returned the next day, and, of oourse, suspe ted nothing of what had happened. He did not learn that his servants had been away, and he noticed no signs of disorder about the house. He resumed his duties In the confessional, Mrs Doucer and Miss Longuish being as usual among the most assiduous penitents. Bnt now every word which these truthful ladies uttered, and every syllable which the Bev. Peter answered throug'i that melodious nose of h's, was carried straight np to Ignatia in her dreas closet. Ignatia was not so unwise as to bring matters to a too rapid crisis. The telephone gave 1 e- the opportunity of learning all the seortts of the parish, and Bhe got her money's woith out of it by listening during six whole months and holding her tongue. No doubt her ears and cheeks flamed at times, and Bhe was sorely tempted to break out. There were occasions when she was moved by a violent desire to rush dovnstalrs, se'za the dog whip, and make the Bev. Peter and his penitents dance writhing jigs out of the oratory into the street. But she restrained herself, for she was a prudent woman. ' Vengeance,' say the Italians, 'is a dish which should be eaten cold.' At the end of six months, however, the head mastership of an important grammar school in the parish of Bt. Benedict became vacant. The salary was £IOOO, with a residence and extra tutitlon fees. Now, of all men on tha Clergy List, Mr Orriole was the least likely man to obtain this post, and he did not even think of aoplying for it. Bnt Ignatia resolved that it should be given him, and that he should hold it along with his living. He could take an extra curate to look after the parish, and if the school threw hard work upon him, eo much the better, he would find the less time end inclination for talking with women like Mrs Doucer and alias Louguieh, It was on a fine winter morning. The Bev. Peter had jnst breakfasted solemnly, yet heartily, after his wont; Ignatia had said little during the meal. As her husband was about to leave the room, however, she stopped him, and there was a look on her faoe which he had never seen there before. 'Peter, I want to say a few words to you,' she began; • I object to your reoeivlng Mrs Doucer and. Miss Longuish into this house any more. They are immodest and improper women, and I shall tell them so If they come here again.' * What do you mean ?' asked the Bev. Peter, scarcely believing his ears. ' I mean what I say, dear. I cannot any longer permit the objeotional and nonsensical conversations whioh go on between you and all the bad women of our parish In that confessional. I mean to have it removed, and the oratory devoted to other uses.' ' Are you mad,' asked Mr Orriole. 'No, dear; only resolved not to ba any longer slighted in my own honse. Just come Into the oratory with me. I will show you a telephone, by which I have heard every word you and those womea have been saying for the last six months.' The Rev. Peter Orriole felt bad. When he saw the telephone, and discerned how, by her cool ingenntty, his wife had entrapped him and held him at her mercy, he looked a very sorry person. He turned red, then pale, and if anybody had effered him a little weak brandy-and-water at that minute he would have imbibed It. He turned his nose for a protest—but Ignatia cheoked him. ' You need not try to excuse yourself. Peter. I have heard everything, mind ; so prevarication would be of no nse. I oaa only hope that yon will be a more sensible man and a better hnsbaud ia future, and in that trust I forgive you. But now listen to me. Mr Doucer can get you Jthe headmastership of the grammar school ; he is the most influential among the governors. Go to Mrs Oouoer at once, and tell her you want the place. If she does not get it you let her beware of me. Don't forget to tell her of the telephone.' ' Good gracious, Ignatia, you would not surely . . .' ' Do ai I tell you, dear,' said Mrs Orriole calmly ; 'if Mrs Douoer does not obey you, she will know what to expeot. As to the other women, I will use the power 1 possess over them in my own way, at my own time, and for your interests and mine I have not the slightest objection that all the world shall know about the telephone. The laughers will be on my Bide.' ' Good gracious I' was all that Orriole oould aiy ; but he took up his Gloucester hat, and went forth feeling much the same fensations as a donkey must experience when he Is saddled and bridled for the first time.

Mr Orrlole become a rery good headmaster ; and the ritual of the church underwent considerable alteration. Mrs Orriole took that department Into her own hands. Aa to the oonfesslonal In oarved oak, It was transformed into a oommodlous linen cupboard.