LITERATURE.

Globe, Volume XXIV, Issue 2579, 13 July 1882, Page 4

LITERATURE.

HIS HONOR AND BIJAH. [From the "Detrot Free Press.' 1 ] Ho was a very plausible man-the first prisoner out. He was tall and stojpahouldered and thin, and ho looked as if a rammer breeze would blow him off the curbs tone. His garments ware iu=ty, his hair long, and whan he spoke he shut his eyes •Well, Mr Wilson, here is a warrant charging you with drunkenness,' began his Honor as the prisoner tued the mark. «Impossible ! Imp-oaslble !' ejaculated Mr Wilson, as he rose off his heela. ' Quite probable, I should say. I shall prove to your satisfaction that you were •tapidly drunk and had to be brou|hi in hero on a whaelbarrow."

'Perhaps you may, perh-aps you may, bat if you do I shall have my theonea regarding the matter —regarding the matter. Yes, sir, I shall—l shall, slr.'j lha offioer said ' 5 found tho prisoner in en alley, heao on a lot of tin scraps, feet tangled up in a mass of oyßter cans and broken bottles. Ha at first supposed him dead, but a closer investigation proved that he was only sleeping. He could not be roused up, however, and was therefore ■wheeled down l!k-3 so muoh dead weight. Bijah swore that ha was the stupidest prisoner ho had received for six months, and that it was exactly eight hours before he conld r-e recovered sufficiently to ask if anybody had pat anything in his Christmas stocking. ' Well, prisoner, yon bear tho testlaqpiiOny.' now ftratire to inform you that I have an affec ion an affeo-tion of the bssrt, sir.' ——~" 'And whiskey cures it ?" 'No, air I It I had drank any whiskey, which I doubt, my theory is that it -wa» administered to me in my tea—in my tea, sir.' * Boah 1 Whoever heard of such a thing ! Prisoner, you were on a druik.' *I file an exoeption—an ex—cap—tion, air. If I waa on a drunk, which I very much doubt, my theory ia that I was laboring under temporary hallucination of mind—of mlad, sir." .. 'Well, my theory is that you got hold of ten or fifteen cents, and coolly called for iwo glasses of man killer. Where are you from!' «I represent the great East, sir, represent tha Orient.' ' Have you any money ?' •Not that I can call my own—not this moment—this moment.' «Well, sir, |I Bhall send you up for thirty days." ■ I protest, sir—pro-test! Send mo to the bastlle and I will make the outrage on American, liberty known to the farthest corner of the land—of ihe land, sir.' • That's all right, and you'll go up just the some. Please fall back.' ' I fall, sir—l fall; but thii usurpation—this u-3urp-a-tioa of the vested rights of a free man shall—known—ages—corner—!' He waa gona. The last seen of him as he entered the corridor he had his eye 3 shut and one end of his paper collar was flying loose. DAT AR' WXFB. .' Collection Jones, you stand before this bar charged with being drunk and disorderly,' announced his Honor to the next. ' Yes, Bah, I speoks I do, eah, but It's on 'ooont of dat oTe woman of mine. Jedge she's do wnstest female since de days of the flood,'

* What's th* matter with your wifa ?' ' Matter. Why, sab, she's got the debbil imher till she oan't rest. Jecge, I'd like to talk to you 'boat a half a day on dis subjlok. I kin tell you fings to make your h'ar scan' up.' ' Don't do it; I want my hair to lie flat down. Any trouble last night ?' ■' Trabble all de time, sab—all de present time. Jjaa* nite when I derove homa, she'd dun gone sold all de hens to git money to bay ice-cream an' candy. De minlt I began to talk, she frowed cha'rs at me an' driv me cafeer do house.' * Then you went to a saloon, filled up with laser, and returned and had a fight ?' "No, sah, I went to de saloon to ax de loan what he'd do if he was me. He adwlsed me to drink some beer, and I took glass. Den he adwlsed me to go home act* stop sich nonsense, an' I went, Fo' do liawd, Jedge, bat I hadn't got inside fo' do oI« woman lit down on me toof and toe nail, a/a' I had to fight or die. Did you eber see 'butt Jedge?* •Never did.' •Well, sab, she's powerful on de fight, Shs goes right in to win, an' 111 match her again all de tigers in a cirous. She'd --.-whip me 'an you put together in jist fo' "snlnita.* ' Ia that all you have to say ?' * Yea, Bah, onless you want to know auffi i' 'boot oar boy Moses.' ' I don't. Collection, yoa are not a member of the Lime-KUn Club V * I used to was, sah, but day run me out ku«e I war' bask on dues.' * I guess you are back on lots of other things. I shall send you up for thirty.' •Now, boss, don't come a's me dat way! Gin de ole msn a ohanca.' •I'll give you a chance to rest for a month. Pall back.' 'Shoo 1 now. Fay, Jedge, if you'll lemme go I'll nebber fight agin,' * Too late—fall back.' •Jedge, dat's tuft—de tnffest tuff I ebar knowed of. It breaks me all up.' He sat down in the corridor and cried and Mew his nose like the report of a musket, and he went away in the omnibus calling back to Bijah : *De ideah of beia' sent up kase I frowed -de ole woman frew de winder am gwlne to ke«p me weepin' de hull thirty days,' Bill DEAR BICHABD.

Mrs Besolve had evidently read that first impressions help a law suit, and as Bhe came oat she puckered her mouth into a bouquet of roses, bowed sweetly, and remarked : * Judge, I bag yenr pardoa for this trouble.' ' Oh, don't, Mrs Besolve. It la no trouble at all, I assure you.' ' It waa a vexatious little mistake, you know, and I wouldn't have had it happen for ever so much,' 'No, I presume not. I see you are charged with disturbing the peace.' ' All a mistake, Ju3ga. My dear Bichard is a grand hand to frolic. He had been ohusing me through the house, and ai he went ont I chased him to tbe walk and threw a splinter after him. He'll be here ■directly and tell you that we live in the fr eateat harmony, and have never had one ard word In our fifteen years of wedded file.' 'ls Bichard Besolve In Court?' called Bijah. "He are!' answered a solemn voice, and a zoau weighing about ha'f as much bb the woman, and haiving about half the surf tea of square feet, came to the front. He had his "" - head tied up, one of his eyes was going into S i£Burning, and his noae had been peeled half ifcn length. ' Ah i this la my dear Bichard!' exclaimed Mrs JELejolve as she rushed to meet Pfcpßa. ; «J N *"lfe waved her off. Then he cleared his throat. Then he removed the bandage from Ms head.- Then he said : * Judge, give her ninety.nine years In the Work-House fV * Oh I Blohazd, how oan you,f-*-—she pleaded. \ y' * Judge, she's a bad un>-—Tnta is the way alio serves me about six times a year, and If it can't be stopped It'll break down my conatitatton.' ' Bichard, am I not your devoted wife ?' 'No, slrl' • ' Don't I love you to distraction V * Not sny !' 'Won't yon tell his Honor that you fell down and hurt yourself while we were playlnfii" • •-' - - * Never! To a played on me with a stick of stove wood, and I hope you'll go up!' 'Darling, your mind wanders.' "And my body is going to wander, too ! Judge, she's worse than an Injun.' The witness fell baok, and the woman leaned over the desk and whispered: ' Really I must send Bichard to the insane surylum. He's getting very flighty.' 'And I'll aee what the Workhouse will do for yon,* softly answered the Court. ' I make it sixty days.' 'Please, sir!' ' Sixty days, Mrs Resolve.' ' Well, I'm sorry, and I'm certain you'll regret It,' she said as she smiled and with«drow; bat the moment she entered the

cirrldor aha rushed at Bijah, bit him in ths wrist, kicked his shins, scratched his chin, and tore off his collar, and she might have crippled him for life hid not two officers rushed in to hl» Assistance. THE SHOWMAN'S TROUBLE. BY MAX ADELER.

The stranger who Fat in tha oar seat ner. to Mr Jones, tho reporter, eeeav.'d to bo i trouble. He loaned his head upon his hand, and now and then he sighed heavily as though a great sorrow gnawed at Li* heart. 'You teem depressed/ said Jones tJ him at lvst. • Have you suffered bereavement or affliotion ? Can I do anything to help you?' ' I don't be-leva you can, said tae stranger, wearily. ■ lost a dear relative, have you P ' Oh, no ; all my folk* are well.' ' Money gone, maybe V ' Never lost a dollar ia my lifa.' 'Bodily pain, perhaps?' ' I'm sound as a two-year-old oolt. 111 tell yon what's the matter. I'm a showman. I've just organised the biggest show now on oartb, and I'm perfectly wild because I can't find a good name for it.' • Why don't you simply call So and So's circus ?' ' • Young m»n, you don't understand tho bus'ness. Nobody would come any longer to a mere olrcus. "Sou mußt have soma magnificent kiud of a name; words In eleven syllables that people don't understand,' ' Why not call it " A Gorgeous Aggregation of stupendous Curiosities?" ' ' Won't do. There are nice Bhows now on the road with that very name, and only three of them have elephants and Circassian twins.' 'How would it do to style yours A Colossal Collection of Biological Phenomena ani an Equestrian Manifestation of Unparalleled Splendor ?' 'Toooommon. There are four t hows in Missouri and two in Conneoticut whose bills read in that way, and neither one of them has a sacred Bshemoth of Scripture or a Nemoan Hon to ita back Can't you think of something new ?' •If I had time perhaps I might work

out' —— 'Take all tho time you want. _ Stndy it out carefully. Something that will oxpres3 tho thought that I have the only real and genuine lire walrui this side of Biffin's Bay I'll giro you a perpetual free pass if you'll help me out '.throw in the idea that I've got fivo shows in one.' • How'll that do?'asked Mr Jones ten minutes lator, presenting a piece of paper : ' The qulnquepartite collocation and acorvatlon of mammalian fauna and of the exhilarating achievements of the phenomena of the eqsescurriculum.' ' How's that ?' asked Mr Jones. * That,' said the Bhowman, 'is not so bad for a starter. You oat hmy Does ' fauna' indicate that I've got strictly the only live walrus ? Or does ' aoarvatlon' refer to the walrus ? No ? What I want is something to spread over a big bill, to go en a fence; some-thing descriptive of the whols menage.-ie. B'pose you give another shy at it.' A iter a quarter of an hoar of earnest effort Mr Jones offered this :

• This gorgeous agglomeration ia centifiJoua in construction, and is exhibited in seven oyclostomous pavilions, each decked with bombyciuoua banners. Among the curiosities it include* quadrupedal and lipedal specimens of the brachyurous, the marvelous anomaliped, the sanguinary solivigsnl, the paoydermatous entomophsgous from the torrid j angles of the dark continent, and the wa'rus frosu the frozen regions cf the Pole.' * That,' said the ctranger. 'it first-rate. Let's see, " Cepevorons wa'ras j" what is " cepevorou* " V ' Well, it means " onion eating." Walruses eat onions, don't they 7" 'No ; bnt let it stand ; let it stand ; it sounds mighty well. If neceußa-y I choke a few onions down him to justify it. Here's the pasa. You'll always be welcome when yon come. Ti ou've taken a heavy load off my mind, young man!' Then the circus man put the memorandum into his pocket and went into the smoking oar to arrange with his advance agent for billing throe towns at once with Jones's description of the ehow.