THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

Globe, Volume XXIII, Issue 2245, 13 June 1881, Page 3

THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

A vtrj good story come out when a friend of mine was travelling in tho train reoently. A resident in his neighbourhood wrote to the Acclimatisation Society, stating that the posching in his locality was something fearful, uud proffering hie assistance to watch and bring the offer.dero to justice. It subsequently transpired that ho himself had been pulled before the Beak for poaching, and fined. A better man they could not engage for a ranger, for bus not experience taught us that tho worst poachers make the best gamekoepers. A gontleman of tho Upper House, who, I believe, is called the Hon. Tom, is a great jokestor. He was travelling once on the railway with two companions, and found he had forgotten his pass. His friends chaffed him very considerably, and told him it would be awful fun to Bee him part. "I'll bet you a crown apiece I don't part," said the Honorable. " It's a wager," they both cried in one breath. To tbe trio in due course of time enterod the guard. When he came to the Honorable, th'o M.L.C. whispered something in his ear, and the guard bowing passed on with a covert glance at the two friends, who looked on with much astonishment. As hepassed on his way back through the carriage, tbe guard again surveyed tho two friends with great interest. When they got out, they paid the Honorable the two crowns, and requested some information as to his course of action. " Well," said the Honomrable, " I whispered to the guard that I was a detective, and was watching you two, who were two well-known thieves." Tableau.

The "Era," which it is needless to say is (ho great English theatrical paper, has occasional advertisements which are very amusing, more especially those of variety people who evidently aro of opinion that they are the bright particular stars of the Thespian universe. The following advertisements will illustrate the sort of " fellah " I mean—

" Harry Sefton, the Original Dancing Spider (title registered) great uuccene at the Alhambra, Bristol. Sefton's New Special!to, " I'm what you call a fascinating man." Sefton is a father. Continent in Jane. Ha vacant dates. Still on the War Path.

" Viscount Walter Munroe, Comedian, and Prince of Terpischore, Saunders's Varieties, Liverpool. Just concluded Hemfrey's, Preston. My benefit biggest since the opening by £3 10s 'l3. Is that good enough P On tho stage forty-five and fifty minutes every evening. Splendid posters. Agent, T. Holmes. My own opinion of the " Spider" is that if he goes to the Oontinong as he would call ithe had bettor stay, while of the Viscount, I should say forty-flve minutes every evening would be a sight too much, though he is the Prince of Terpsichore. The proprietor of the peripatetic coffee stall has been suffering much tribulation at the hands of the city fathers since I last wrote to you, but if he can derive any consolation from, knowing he is not the only member of that persuasion who has his crosses in life, I will administer him a grain of comfort. The following epistle written to the Mayor of a Southern oity boa been handed to me, and m it posseesei the merit of originality, I transcribe it—more particularly with the view of cheering up the Christohurch vendor of the Arabian berry. I have not the original document, but as nearly as I remember,it rune thus—

" Your Worship the Mayor,—l, the proprietor off the ooffee stall, ask your kind permission to stall himself at the Bank of New Zealand, ns it is out of the way of traffic and away from any eating house. . "Your kind permition." Now, had this been in Ohriatchuroh I should have come to the conclusion that the ambitious concoctor of the aromatic beverage was seeking a Bank managership, but, as it la otherwise, I give it up, unless he seeks an Augean stable. • Some time ago, whilst returning from the Coast, I chanced to have a " reverend " for a fellow-passengor. It was a dreary ride, but to his credit, be it told, he tried to beguile the tedium of the journey by relating a string of anecdotes, bearing particularly on the funny side of his profession. Among them were the following :—One would-be Benedict, that I've married was "as deaf as a post," and when that passage in the marriage service, " Wilt thou have this woman," to., was duly arrived at, the man responded cot, but stood in stolid indifference. The Bev. repeated the formula. Still no response. A third time, and yet be stood as one that heard not. But the bride elect was equal to the occasion. Putting her hand to her mouth in an arohed position, and bringing her face close to the ear of her future lord, she shouted out, " Jack, he wants to know if you'll have me." The exigencies of tho position flashed across John's fertile brain. Ho wreathed his face with smiles as he responded, "Have you! of course I will. What does he think I came here for else ?"

The British census brings its usual collection of drollments, the following being about the best I've yet read : "In the Shetland Islands the work of the enumerators was no easy one. The wont difficulty encountered was determining the ages of old poople. A great many were entirely ignorant of their age, while others, who doubtless prided themselves on the knowledge, would toll the enumerator that they were born the year in whioh some notable event occurred, such as ' the year the rot waain da tattier,' ' the year 'at da pilticks an sillocks wir sae plontifil, "the year 'at da wheals cam' ta da Ness,' ' the year 'at Johnnie o* Wastermol lost his right leg at Greenland,' and so on ; and the enumerator, poor man, not being versed in such matters, would be at his wit's end. One woman, Meggie by name, was ' twa years aulder dan Johnnie ——,' but alas! Johnnie's age was wrapped in obscurity also, for he was 'twa years younger dan Meggie.' " "An Arbroath parent made the following entry in the ' rank, profession, or occupation ' column of his census schedule in reference to his two daughters : —'They toil not, neither do they spin.'" It is not often that professionals are very long remembered in places tbev only pass through, but it is such a short while since that amusing and clever lecturer, Dr. Simnw, visited us, that he will, by those who heard him, be still green in their recollection. Not in anything else though. This is how the " British Columbian" paper describes the doings of the funny medico : "Dr. Simms is counting noses and diagnosing cheefcs in New Zealand." I have been rather amused at a letter signed " Action" whioh appeared in the Daily Press during the week. The writer—evidently an enthusiast tasks the Good Templars rather severely for their apparent laches. "Do we find them," he asks, "in the square, or in public places where drink abounds, calling on the drunkard to reform ?" I am afraid suoh a course of action would do more harm than good to the Templar cause. Does "Action" suppose men could leave their work and prowl abont "the square " all day inciting the passers-by to oastawaythe foaming beaker ? Suoh a proceeding might be made to have a slight interest were the Templars employed to follow Silas Wegg'e example and " drop into poetry." As Silas was a gentleman who habitually "declined and fell," the idea is particularly apposite. Something like this — " Come all you good people, as many a« choose, And swear off colonial and all sorts of Booze."

Theeo could bo varied to infinity, just Udolpho Wolfe's Schiedam paragraphs, afraid, however, this simile in not quite appropriate to the subject. So far as " Action's " suggestion about having more immediate convenience for swearing in wine bibbers, I quite agree with all he says, the more so as if the ceremony be postponed till a " meeting night" the candidate will fill in the time by " taking oaths " of another kind to an extent which will make it physically impossible for him to take any part in the performance on the evening of the temperance tryst.