LITERATURE.

Globe, Volume XXIII, Issue 2233, 25 April 1881, Page 3

LITERATURE.

MRS McWilliams and the LIGHi'MNG.

By Mark Twain.

[From the * Atlantic Magazine ] Well, sir—continued Mr McWilliams, for this was not the beginning of his talk—the fear of the lightning is one of the moat distressing infirmities a human being can bo afflicted with. It is a particu’arly distressing infirmity, for the reason that it takes the sand out of a person to an extent which no other fear can, and it can’t be reasoned with, neither can it be shamed out of a person. A woman who could face tho devil himself—or a mouse—loses her grip and goes all to pieces in front of a flash of lightning. Her fright is something pitiful to see. Well, as I was telling you, I woke up, with that smothered and unlocatable cry ot * Mortimer! Mortimer I’ wailing in my cars ; and as soon as I oonld scrape my faculties together 1 reached over in the dark and then said—

‘Evangeline, is that you calling? What is the matter? Where are you?’ ‘ Bhut up in tho book-closet. Ton ought to be ashamed to lie there and sleep so, and such an awful storm going on.’ • W*by. how can one be ashamed when he la asleep ? It is unreasonable ; a man can’t be ashamed when he is asleep, Evangeline.’ ‘Ton never try, Mortimer—yon know v. ry well you never try.’ 1 caught the sound of muffled sobs. That sound smote dead the sharp speech that was on my lips, and I changed it to—- * I’m sorry dear—l’m truly sorry. 1 never never meant to act so. Come back and——’ ‘ Mortimer!’

‘ Heavens! what is the matter, my love?’ ‘Do you mean to say you are in that bed yet ?’ * Why, of course.’ * Come out of it instantly. I should think you would take some little care of your life, for my sake and the children’s, if you will not for your own.’ * Bat my love—’ ‘ Don’t talk to me, Mortimer. Ton know there is no place so dangerous as a bed, in such a thunderstorm as this—all the books say that; yet there you would lie, and deliberately throw away your life for goodness knows what, unless for the sake of arguing and arguing, and— ’ ‘ But, confound it, Evangeline, I’m not in the bed. now. I'm— ’

[Sentence interrupted by a sudden glare of lightning, followed by a terrified little scream from Mrs McWilliams and a tremendous blast of thunder.] 1 There 1 You see the result, Oh, Mortimer, how can yon bo so profligate as to ■wear at such n time as this 7’ * 1 didn’t swear. And that wasn’t a result of it, any way. It would have come just the same, if 1 hadn’t said a word; you know very well, Evangeline— at least you ought to know—that when the atmosphere is charged with electricity— ’ • * Oh, yes, now argue it, and argue it, and argue It! —I don’t see how yon can act so, when you know there is not a lightning rod on the place, and your poor wife and children are absolutely at the mercy of Providence. What are you doing ?—lighting a match at such a time as this 1 Are you stark madP’

• ' Hang it, woman, where’s the harm ? The place is as dark as the inside of an infidel, and— ’ * Pnt it out! pat it oat instantly! Are yon determined to sacrifice ns all* 1 You know there is nothing attracts lightning like alignt. [Pzt! —crash! boom—haloom boomboom!] Ob, just hear it! Now yon see what you’ve done I’ ‘ No, I don’t see what I’ve done. A match may attract lightning, for all I know, but it don’t cause lightning—l’ll go odds on that. And it didn’t attract it worth a cent this time; for if that shot was levelled at my matoh, it was blessed poor marksmanship—about an average of none ont of a possible million, I shonld say. Why, at Dollymonnt, snch matkmanshlp as that—” ‘ For shame, Mortimer ! Here we are standing right in the presence of death, and yet in so solemn a moment you are capable of nsing snob language as that. If you have no desire to—Mortimer !’ * Well?’

4 Did you say your prayers to night ?' 4 1—I —meant to, but I got to trying to cipher out how much twelve t.mea thirteen Is, and ’ [Fzt I —boom beroom boom I bumblenmble baud smash !] ‘ Oh, we are lost beyond all help! How could you neglect such a thing at such a time as this ?’ • But it wasn’t ouch a time as this.’ There wasn’t a cloud in the sky. How could I know there was going to be all this rumpus and pow wow about a little slip like that 7 And I don’t think it’s just fair for you to make so much out of it, any way, seeing it happens so seldom ; I haven’t missed before since I brought on that earthquake four years ago.’ • Mortimer! how you talk. Have you forgotten the yellow fever 7’ • My dear, you are always throwing np the yellow fever to me, and I think it is perfectly unreasonable. You can’t even send a telegraphic m ssaje as far as Mephis without relays, so bow is a little devotional slip of mine going to carry so far 7 I’ll stand the earthquake, because it was in the neighborhood, but I'll be hanged if I’m going to be responsible for every blamed— ’

[Fzt ! boom beroom I boom ! bang !’ ‘Oh, dear, dear ! I know it struck something, Mortimer. We never shall see the light of another day ; and if It will do you any good to remember, when wo are gone, that dreadful language” Mortimer !'

* Well, what now !' ‘Your voice sounds as if—Mortimer, are you actually standing in front of that open fire-place V ‘ That is the [very crime I am committing.’ ‘Get away from it this moment. Yon do srem determined to bring destruction on ns all. Don’t you know that there is no better conductor for lightning than an open*chimney ? Now whore have you got to ? ‘ I’m hero by the window.’ ‘ Oh, for pity’s sake, have you lost your mind ? Clear out from there this moment. The very children in arms know it is fatal to stand near a window in a thunder-storm. Dear, dear, I know I shall never see the light of another—Mortimer!’ ‘Yes!’ * What is that rustling ?’ ‘ It’s me.’ ‘ What are you doing P’ * Trying to find the upper end of my pantaloons.’ ' Quick ! throw those things away ! I do believe yon would deliberately put on those clothes at such a time as this ; yet you know perfectly well that all authorities agree that woollen stuffs attract lightning. <Jh, dear, dear, it isn’t sufficient that one’s life must lie in peril from natural causes, but you must do everything yon can possibly think of to augment the danger. Oh, don’t siug I What can you be thinking of ?’ * f'-ow, when-’a the harm in it Y ‘ Mortimer, if I have told you onoe I have told yen a hundred times, that singing causes vibrations in the atmosphere which interrupt the flow of the electric fluid, and— What on earth are you opaning that door for ?’

* Goodness gracious, woman, is there any harm in that ?’

‘ Harm ? There’s death In it. Anybody that has given this subject any attention knows that to create a draught is to invito the lightning. Yon haven't ha { shut it; shut it tight—and do hurry, or we shall be destroyed Oh, it is an awful thing to be shut up wi.h a lunatic at such a time as this. Mortimer, what are you doing ?’ * Nothing. Just tnrning on the water. This room is smothering hot and close. I want to bathe my face and hands.’ * You have certainly parted with the remnant of your mind I Where lightuing strikes other substance once, it strikes on water fifty times. Do turn it off. Oh. dear, I am sure that nothing in this world can save us. It does seem to me that— Mortimer, what was that P’ *lt was a da—it was a picture. Knocked it down. ’

* Then yon are close to the wall 1 I never hoard of such impudence 1 Don’t you know that there’s no better conductor for lightning than a wall ? Come away from there! And you came as near as anything to swearing, too. Oh, how can you be so desperately wicked, and your family in such peril ? Mortimer, did yon order a feather bed, as I asked yon to do?’ * No. Forgot t.’ * Forgot it! It may cost you life. If

you had a feather bed, uow, and could spread it iu the middle of the room and lie on it, you would be perfectly cafe, Como in here—come quick, before you have a chance to commit any more frantic Indiscretions.’

I tried, but the little closet would not hold us both with the door shut, unless we could ha content to smother. I gasped awhile., then foroed my way out. My wife cried cut—

‘ Mortimer, something must bo done for yonr preservation. Give me that German book that is on the end of the mantelpiece, and a candle ; but don’t light it; give mo a match ; I will light it in here. That book has some directions in it.”

I got the bo-jk—at cost of a vase and some other brittle things ; and the madam shut herself up with her candle. I had a moment’s peace ; then she called out — ‘ Mortimer, what was that ?’ * Nothing but the cat.’ 1 Tho cat ! Oh, destruction ! Catch her and shut her up in the wash stand. Do b» quick, love; cats are full of electricity. I just know my hair will tarn white with the:e awful perils.*

I heard tho mnffled sobbings again. But for that I should not have moved band or foot in such an enterprise in the dark. However, I went to my task—over chs.'ra, and against all sorts of obstructions, all of them hard ones, too, and most of them with sharp edges—and at last I got Kitty cooped up in the commode, at au expense of over four hundred dollars in broken furniture and shins. Then these muffled words came from tho closet:

‘ It says the safest thing is to stand r-n a chair in the middle of the room, Mortimer, and the legs of the chair must bo insulated with non-conductors. That is, you must sot the k-gs of the chair in glass tumblers. [Kzt ! —boom 1 —bang I —smash !] Oh, hear that! ‘Do hurry, Mortimer, before yon are struck.’

I managed to find and secure the tumblers. I got the last four—broke all the rest. I insulated the chair legs, and called for farther instructions.

* Mortimer, ’ it says, ‘ Wshrend elnes Gewitters entferne man Metalie, wie z. H. t Ringe, Uhren, Schlussel, etc., von sioh und halte sich such nicht an solohen Btellen auf, woe viele Metalie bei einander iiogen, oder mit andern Korpem verhnndeu Bind, win an Herdea, Oefca Klsengittcm u dgl.’ Whafcdoes that mean, Mortimer 1 D ice it mean that yon mnat keep metals abont you, or keep them away from you ?’ 4 Well, I hardly know. It appears to be a little mixed. Ail German advice is more or hss mixed. However, I think that that sentence is mostly in the dative case, with a little negative and accusative shifted in here and there for luck ; so I reckon you must keep some metals about you,’ * Yob, that must be it. It stands to reason that it is. They are in the nature of light-ning-rods, you know. Put on your fireman's helmet, Mortimer ; that is mostly metal.’ I got it and put it on—a very heavy and clumsy and uncomfortable thing on a hot night in a close room. Even my night-dress seemed to be more clothing than I strictly needed.

4 Mortimer, I think your middle ought to be protected. Won’t yon buckle on your militia sabre, please ? ’ 1 complied. * Now, Mortimer, you ought to have some way to protect your feet. Do please put on your spurs.’ 1 did it—in silence—and kept my temper as well as I could.

‘Mortimer, it says, "Das Q-owitter lanten iet sehr gefahrlioh, weil die Q-looke selbst, sowie der durch das Lauton veranlaiste Luftzug und die Hohe dee Thurmes don Blitz anziehen konnten.” Mortimer, does that mean that it is dangerous not to ring the church bells daring a thunder storm P ’ ‘ Yes, it seems to mean that—if that is the past participle of the nominative ease singular, and I reckon it is. Yes, I think it means that on aooonnt of the height of the church tower and the absence of Luftzug it would ho very dangerous (sehr gefahrlich) not to ring the bells in time of a storm ; and moreover, don't you see, the very wording— ’ 4 Never mind that, Mortimer ; don’t waste the precious time in talk. Get the large dinner-bell; it is right there in the hslL Quick, Mortimer, dear; we are almost safe. Oh, dear, I do believe we are going to be BftVfid, at luot!'

Our little summer establishment stands on the top of a high range of hide, overlooking a valley. Several farm houses are in our neighborhood—the ueirest some three or four hundred yards away. When I, mounted on the chair, had been clanging that dreadful bell a matter of seven or eight minutes, our shutters were suddenly torn open from without, and a brilliant bull's-eye lantern was thrust in at the window, followed by a hoarse inquiry—- ‘ What In the nation is the matter here V

The window was full of men’s heads, and the heads were full of eyes that stared wildly at my night-dress and my warlike accoutrements.

I dropped the bell, slipped down from the chair in confusion, and said—--4 There is nothing the matter, friend—only a little discomfort on aooonnt of the thunder storm, I was trying to keep off the lightning.’ 4 Thunderstorm ? Lightning ? Why, Mr McWilliams, have you lost your mind ? It is a beiutiful starlight night; there has been no storm.'

I looksdj“out and I was bo astonished I could hardly speak for a while. Then 1 said—

*I do not understand this. We distinctly saw the glow o£ the flashes through the curtains and shatters, and hoard the thunder.'

One after another of those people laydown on the ground to laugh—and two of them died. One of the survivors remarked—

‘ Pity you didn’t think to open your blinds and look over the top of that hill yonder. What you heard was a cannon; what you saw was a flash. You see, the telegraph brought some news, just at midnight j Garfield’s nominated—and that’s what’s the matter!’

‘ Yes, Mr Twain, as I was saying in the beginning (said Mr McWilliams), the rales for preserving people against lightning are so excellent and so innumerable that the most incomprehensible thing in the world to me is how anybody ever manages to get struck.’

So saying he gathered up his satchel and. umbrella, and departed; for the train nad roacaod his town.