THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

Globe, Volume XXII, Issue 2066, 7 October 1880, Page 3

THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

I was eitting in your room a day or so ago, waiting to interview you on a subject not altogether unconnected with a small advance, when, to me, entered an old friend from America. Is it necessary to state that he was of the reaping and binding interest ? Ho is well known through the colonies as the old man 0 * * e. Ho had, ho said, just arrived, and had naturally a heap of calls to make, but knowing what Interest I take in these binders, he had come straight to mo. “ No person in New Zealand can grasp the moral principles of the binders with your aptitude and perception.” Such were his very words. “I mustn’t stop long,” ho said, “ but I must tell you I have visited since leaving these climes Cape Colony, Italy, France, Austria, Prussia, and Russia with much success; but just before I go, allow me to illustrate on paper our new string binder, and to show you how a man can convert one of the world-renowned Osborne Wirebinders into a stringditto in a few moments wi l h the sole assistance of a monkey wrench. Thus : —Remove the Twister Stand, Switch Frame and Wireholders, and replace them with a Knotter stand, switch for the same, twine holders and spool of twine. Glance over the thing to see it’s fixed right, hitch up your team of horses, and wire, or rather string in, right away. Simplicity itself, and the whole thing only cost 25d015., or, to use the usual slang of the British people, “ a fiver.” Wo have brought out a few little circulars on the affair. Jnet glance over it. Here you are—“ Still Triumphant!” “Unparalleled Success!” “The Golden Harvest Bows Before It!” “ RUTH WOULD STARVE!” “We Continue To Smile!” “ Beautiful!” I exclaimed. “The last is indeed a sweet —an exquisite sentiment. Does the Osborne Firm continue to smile in the Britain of the South?” “It doth,” responded the urbane representative of the firm, and wo went to Captain John Coker’s and nmole—a whole lot. I hope to see a lot of C**o during his stay ; Talking of the Reaping and Binding firms reminds one of advertising, which they certainly understand pretty well. In this connection a business friend of mine recently received a letter of such an original character that I consider it is worth a quote. His correspondent, who is an advertising agent, writes requesting an advertisement. After stating terms, &0., he finishes as follows—- “ Take my advice and have it put at once. Depend (the italics are hie, not mine) you won’t regret it, hut will be glad you did so. I can’t help adding if people don’t sow seed in the ground, they can’t expect a crop, but if they do will get one; so it is if farmers don’t know you have Robey’s machines you can’t think they will buy them. I would suggest your having * Important to Farmers ’ put above your advertisement.” The above is a well summarised precis of the true science of advertising. I wish the author every success. The Magisterial Court experiences of “ Bijah,” as detailed by that official in the columns of the “ Detroit Free Press,” are as various as they are funny, but occasionally one hears stories of Court cases out here fully equal to those of “ Bijab,” and I dare say there are heaps more that never appear in print. I am indebted to a very old friend for the following, which occurred in an upoountry township not above 1000 miles from Christchurch. A genial Boniface, who I recollect in by-gono times as a raw rough rider and one of the pleasantest whips, had occasion to summon a recalcitrant client. The case having been gone into on its merits, the R.M. inquired of the Boniface if he had taken every available means to procure the amount of his debt. Receiving a reply in the affirmative, the R.M. asked, “ And what did the defendant say the last time you applied to him ? ” “ He told me I could go to the d ” (this phrase has been a good deal expurgated), naively replied the indignant Boniface, “And I came straight away to you.” Great sensation in Court and laughter from the Bench and audience. Verdict for plaintiff. To another correspondent I am indebted fora good up-country anecdote, which will be specially interesting to squatters as illustrating the extraordinary fecundity occasionally illustrated by the sheep family. My correspondent dwells in a locality far from the busy hum of men, and in a country where the unfortunate inhabitants never probably see the Pbbbs newspaper. Close to him dwells a manager having charge of a sheep station. His nephew has a farm close by. The sheep on both properties are of the same breed. Daring the lambing season the flocks, by some unfortunate fatality “box ” (squatters’ phrase for getting mixed up.) When separated the ewes of one of those flocks have nearly all twin lambs, and show the biggest percentage ever known. The shepherd tells my informant that he never had such an extrordinary lambing in all his experience. The first time I go to the North Island I shall inquire into this, and write you an agricultural article on the subject. Some short time since an advertisement appeared in one of our dailies for a “ coach ” for the University examination. Home of the answers were, I understand, a little unique. One commenced “ I seen in this morning’s paper, &o.” Another gentleman, evidently in the horse line (I don’t allude to Mr Millett), being evidently under some slight misconception as to the meaning of the word coach, wrote offering a good, useful vehicle capable of carrying twenty-one passengers to any examination. It was for sale cheap, and was represented as well worthy the attention of the advertiser. Strange to say, I understand, no deal was effected in either case. I must say, however, that if the horsey man did not attain success he, like the oft-quoted friend of Sempronius, at any rate deserved it. What a heap of money and what a number of lives have been lost in the discovery of the North-West Passage, I believe someone tumbled across it the other day, but I fail to see the utility of the discovery now they have found it out. Polar exploration is a very sad way of spending good money. A less expensive, but to my mind quite as unsatisfactory a search, is this hunt after the Lost Tribes of Israel, I have read publications on this subject written to prove that the Indians of America, the South Sea Islanders, and nations of every clime were the descendant# of the lost Tribes. Every one has his particular mania, and such a research as some ot our citizens are at present engaged in has doubtless its particular charms for them, but assuming that we, after investigating the matter thoroughly, arrive at the conclusion we are the Long Lost Tribes, supposing, hyperbolically speaking, we discover the traditional strawberry marks on our left arms ; what then ? I can’t see much in it, unless the tribes who never have been missing ask the promoters of the ethnological exploration to a banquet. There will be some difficulty in making out a good case I’m afraid. Nothing, I hear from a horsey friend, is more perplexing to work up correctly than a doubtful pedigree. The times, everybody tells me, are gradually getting better. There must be some truth in this, because your telegrams inform us there was only one case of insolvency in Dunedin last week. We have not come to that pitch of prosperity yet, but I think there is no question that we are improving. Even assuming matters were worse than they are, I trust most of our citizens will see their way towards giving their best assistance to the new Permanent Aid Association. According to a report which appeared a few days’ since in your columns, it Is proposed to take over the existing system of charitable aid, to include the “ Old Men’s Home.” A very good team volunteered to give their services as collectors, amongst whom is Mr John Ollivier, and they will report to a future meeting. There can be little question of the utility of the proposed

association, and in advocating in my small style such a good cause, I cannot do better than remind your readers of the oft-quoted charity sermon of Dean Swift, the moral of which woe, that if his audience approved of the security, no better opportunity could possibly offer of putting down the money —dust, I think, was the Dean’s own expression. I am endeavoring to compile a history of the Oolonial Female Domestic. I don’t expect the publication will meet with a big success just now, but in years to come, say a century hence, it will amuse our posterity. Our Ministries, one and all, have scattered heaps of money around on behalf of posterity, and I must try what I can do myself. Any of your readers, especially your lady readers, furnishing mo with pabulum for my volume would really lay me under a great obligation. Anything, for instance, like the following: A lady, who for obvious reasons must be nameless, received warning from both her girls on the same day. One she could hove parted with without a tear, but the other, though not of the first force, seemed likely, with tuition, to become so. The lady endeavored to represent to this last that the employ she was about to enter was of a very high toned kind, that it was a big establishment and heaps of company “ kep ”_(as the girl herself would no doubt have put it), and the lady told her she rather questioned her ability for the position. “ Oh, mam’m,” replied the young, beautiful, and patrician domestic, “i/ 1 went there I should lay my mind to it .”