THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

Globe, Volume XXII, Issue 2003, 26 July 1880, Page 3

THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

A rather curious ciroumstance happened the other day at the office of one of our leading legal firms. It was afternoon, and a sedate looking gentleman passed into the establishment I have alluded to above and said he had come to sign a certain deed. Some of these documents are occasionally a little lengthy, and, like the roll devoured by the prophet Jeremiah, are sometimes a little bitter in the digestion. The one in question was, in point of fact, a very lengthy one. I understand that if spun out it would reach from the G-odley statue to Opawa. As I believe is usually the case, one of the clerks was deputed to read over this dooument to the sedate man previous to his signing it. They sat down, and the clerk, who was busy and anxious to get back to his own work, read steadily at the deed for twenty - five minutes. The sedate one, who had beeen throughout the performance thoughtfully biting the end of a quill, now looked up and asked the clerk in a very courteous manner if he could give him a pieoe of>riting paper. This being handed to him he wrote on it as follows—"I am Deaf."

Then did that olerk evolve from his inner consciousness many cunningly devised profanements, and these did he repeat to himself in a whisper many successive times. I've been very sorry to see bo many meetings of the unemployed lately. I hope by the time these lines go to press there will be very few, if any left out of work._ In this connection, however, a rather amusing story comes to me from a friend of mine whoso extraordinary manner it is to do kindly actions by stealth. He had recently bought a piece of land near Ohristchurch and put on two of the unemployed to dig and plant and generally fix it up. The job was a very fair one, and would probably laßt for a while. On the day they wero supposed to oommence work their employer met them in the town, and on expressing his surprise at seeing them there, they replied that they would start in the afternoon, but they did not like to miss attending the meeting held that morning of the Unemployed, Among the many amusing sketches that have appeared from time to time in the English "Punoh," not by any means the least funny are those on Servantgalism. I don't think these sketches occur in its pages quite so frequently as in former years, whioh probably arises from the fact that the question has assumed such a serious aspect that it is getting past jokements. Truth, we are told is stranger than fiction, and on this as on many other questions I daro say most of your readers can call up with the assistance of ''the wardour of the brain " many quite as funny situations as ever appeared in the columns of " Punch." All this is simply introductory, so to speak, to a little story told me by a friend of mine in reference to the lady who is good enough to assist his family in the kitchen and elsewhere for certain annual pecuniary considerations. My friend's wife, who is very musical, was recently sorting out a lot of songs, &c, from a box long laid by. While thus engaged, the servant who, though, to do her justice, was a capital hard-working girl, was not many months absent from one of the wildest parts of the " 'ould sod," entered. On seeing her mistress so engaged, she said, falling languidly into a chair, " How nice it is, maarm, to be able to play and sing! Do you play the conoertina ? " On receiving an answer in the negative, she exclaimed, " La! can't you ? Sister can. I wish I could play the piano, ma'am. It makes one feel so small when you're asked in company and can't." I beg to offer my very sincere congratulations to Messrs Acland and Campbell on the originality of their ideas, aa shown by their recent entertainment with regard to the Indian teas. I was not present myself, owing to a trifling circumstance whioh necessitated my presence in the vicinity of the P e Station, but I am, indeed, pleased to hear everything passed off excellently well. I only hope the results of the affair will be commensurate with the deserts of a firm originating what I consider a new era in the commerce of this country. Messrs Acland and Campbell have started a style of establishing new industries, imports, call them what you will, which I sincerely hope will be followed up by other importers. To illustrate my meaning let us aeßume that Blappins, Koohursky and Co. have struck, through the medium of their foreign agents, a new brand of tobacco or cigars. What do they do ? Why as in the case of Messrs Acland and Campbell they engage the Oddfellows' Hall. They secure the assistance of the «e3thetio White. They lay out divans, they scatter tables over the room, on which are placed boxes of the new brand of tobacco or cigars. They invite the public to sample it. The public accept, and the future of the new brand is secured. Tho expense need not necessarily fall upon one firm alone, for it would add very materially to the success of such a seance as I have described were Blabbinß, Koohursky and Co. to combine with any firm who have imported a new whiskey or any class of similar refreshment. The tobacco would assist the whiskey, and the whiskey would back up the tobacco. Thanks to Messrs Acland and Campbell I see the advent of a new institution that will cause an extraordinary revival in trade of every kind, and I shall be much disappointed if at the next meeting of the Chamber of Commerce, a vote cf thanks is not passed to Messrs Acland and Campbell, and a resolution carried to encourage similar entertainments. At the recent Indian Tea performance, a circumstance occurred which is interesting from the fact that it shows that we, like another great country, have our " lunch fiends." A very genial Boniface who was present at the tea gathering, informs me that he observed one gentleman drink nine cups of tea, with a running acoompaniment of about 81bs o cake. " I Bhould like to have a few clients in my house like him, now," said the Boniface, but, "then," he added, pensively, "it might make a sight of difference when they had to part for every drink." The present members of the City Council of this metropolis are not nearly so funny in their ■ ways aa most of their predecessors. There was a time when Mr W. Wilson alone was sufficient to_ keep a fellow going in funnimente, but now in the Council I understand from the gentlemen who aot as chroniclers of the civic doings there is not much comicality as a rule. In the matter of jocosities it is a case of Ichabod. And yet I do not think any mora really ludicrous scene ever took place in tho Council Chambers than that which occurred the other night when Mr Cass, a oidevant Councillor, applied for the patronago of his quondam associates to his lecture on " Eternal Suffering." I was not there, alas! myself, nor have the boys told me what the scene wbb like, but I can fancy it. All the Councillors present wo are informed, took tiokots. How well one can fancy tho pangful but dignified sigh hove by hid Worship as he slipped the tickets into his pocket, and the general depression of the other "fathers of the city." They have, these gentlemen, in their official positions to put up with a good deal—to go through a good deal; but if ever men deserved the Viotoria Cross or the crown of martyrdom, the eight burghore who went to hoar Mr Cass talk about "Eternal Suffering" certainly should be presented with both. Mr Oherrill

is probably familiar with Dante's "Inferno," as illustrated by Dore, and no doubt being himself an artist appreciates the oonoeptions of the great painter. He will, after hearing Mr Caw, form a fuller conception of eternal suffering. So will the rest of his colleagues. One of your boys had rather a pretty compliment paid him the other evening. He was passing the Bank of New Zealand corner when to him appeared a representative of the fourth estate in the shape of a BOY, aged about six, running copies of the "Star." "Have a 'Star,' sir?" said this youthful swell. " Thanks, I have one," said your representative. "Then have a 'Globe,'sirP" said another demoniac ohild, attacking him from the other side. " I've got one," replied your man. "What! got 'em both," said the " Globe " demon, " Good on you ! What a what-do-you-call-'em good customar you must be." And with cheers, indicativo of witheringest irony, they sent your representative squirming to his humble home. From time to time, I have, if I must confess the truth, lifted up my voice against the quality of the telegrams sent by your agents. 1 do not, as a constant reader, care much to hear of a man 250 miles away breaking his arm. It fails to thrill me. Nor do I care to hear of Erasmus Smith purchasing Montmorenoy Jones' estate, when I [don't know either Erasmus or Montmorency. Your agents are too much on this Btyle. I suppose it is more their misfortune than their fault. Still, if a telegraphic agent can be found who would never send a Press _ cablegram unless he felt convinced iu his own mind it would interest readers I

even 100 miles away, I would shake him by the hand, Bhout for him. I would personally and subscribe myself for a testimonial to him, even if I had to borrow the money to do it with. Your telegraph agents are some of them very sad performers, but when I do see a good thing forwarded by them, I'm glad to notico it. Such a one as the following, whi.-rh is a credit to your Auckland man. " Mr Wickham, proprietor of the Auckland " Free Lance," had his nose severely pulled yesterday by a member of the Froliques Company, for condemning their entertainment before seeing it, as another lot of Yankee trash. The other newspapers speak well of the performance." Now the above is original. I know personally many gentlemen on the Auckland Press, but I must confess that it surprises me to learn that these gentlemen spoke well in their columns of a performance which consisted in a member of the Froliques pulling a confrere's nose. This seems a horrible idea. I give your Northern agent every credit for his telegram, but with a nose like mine, and its facilities for pulling, I really tremble to think of what our telegraphic agent might say when he reciprooates the above telegram. Mr Francis Franks, of the Eclipse Brewery, Temuka, South Canterbury, advertises that property for sale. I may add for Positive Sale. From the advertisement I should judge the property to be a very excellent one, but I should like intending buyers to reserve the r opinion till hearing further from me. Franks, with a liberality I have never seen equalled, advertises that " samples of the 'Eclipse ale ' will be forwarded to intending purchasers free of cost." When some of the boys saw this announcement ihey meant ringing it in low down on Franks, and it appeared likely that Franks would receive about 500 letters from

"intending purchasers" asking for samples. I said "No." Many men even in Temuka know my taste in beer. They will tell Franks of this, and when Franks sends me the samples I shall, in pursuance of a principle advocated above, invite the public to judge of Franks' ales. Still Franks might have been imposed on. These are hard times, and they are hard

times too, as the old man can assure you. Lots of people who used to ask the present writer to have half-a-pint as a regular thing, pass him by now, like the G-ood Samaritan did the Levite on the other aide. I feel these things, but still I retain sympathy for others. I retain sympathy for the lady who petitioned the Council the other night for a reduction in her rates on the ground that she has had rheumatic legs and six children. The party who has his quiver full of the latter commodity, we are informed is not ashamed to speak with his enemies in the gate, but six arrows want a lot of looking after, and if the quiver is not pretty woll fitted out, and the hossess is rheumatically crooked, the case deserves a consideration which no doubt it will receive from the hands of those concerned.

You may perhaps be surprised that I have not so far alluded to the Industrial Exhibition. I mean to do so soon, but I like to get a chance like other people. I loave it to your own good judgment whether it would suit me to clash with tho reports you have had of this institution. By-and-bye I may give you my impressions, but just now I shall satisfy myself with remarking that the committee deserved every credit not only for their exertions, but the excellent taste in which they have carried out their arrangements. I cannot refrain even in the present brief notice from complimenting then, on their Refreshment Boom, and though these lines will go too late to press to enable me to talk over things with them in that palatial apartment I really think that this inaugural notice of our First Industrial Exhibition should entitle me to the Alcoholic or Maltal (I'm not particular which) consideration of the members of committee.