THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

Globe, Volume XXII, Issue 1925, 26 April 1880, Page 3

THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

The Railway Department advertise some alterations in their Time Table, from which the following are quotes:—The 735 a.m. train from Christchuroh to Lyttelton will start at 7.20 a.m." " A new traini.wifll Wave Christoaureh for Lyttelton at 6.30." The first statement rather reminds one of Mr William Horace Bent's enquiries, abeut the starting time of the " Four o'clock Train" in the farce of that name, while, with regard to the lattor, what is a " new train ?" (N.B. —I know lots of girls could stand a new train with much advantage). I'm only making those facetious inquiries as an introduction to an expression of wonderment that some fellow has not written to the papers on the subject, wanting to know you know. For some insorutable reason there are people to whom Railway management is as the proverbial red flag to the proverbial bull. If a bag of fowl wheat should arrive a train late the indignant recipient writes frantic letters to the daily journals on railway mismanagement. It is bo easy to find fault. The fact is tho management is at present very hard to beat. You can bet I'm right in this. I was in a railway myself once. Its true I left shortly after a collision! (on the station where I was working) between 49 coal trucks and a hog train. But I know about railways and all I can say to some of these up-country gentlemen who abuse the management, is that if they conduct their business as well as the Railway they will do well in this or any other country. . „ Last week I gave'a little anecdote in reference to a gallant oaptain of artillery. This week a friend sends me another military story whioh I don't think has yet appeared here. In a neighbouring colony Her Majesty's Vicegerent, like Hanß Broitman, " gave a barty." Numerous invitations were sent out, and aooepted, and when the event came off by some means a noted metallician was obseived by the Vicegerent to be (uninvited) amongst the guests. He at once despatched his aide-decamp to get the "penciller by the way" out somehow. After consuming several drinks the aide-de-camp succeeded in gradually working him to the door. After helping him on with his overcoat, the anxious Major was just about returning to the halls of dazzling light, when the metallician stopped him, and seizing his hand, into which he pressed a couple of sovereigns, observed, " Good night old man, I always attends to servants as looks after me." The Major tells the story even unto this day, and adds that it was the only double he over struck that "book" for. The following telegram from Timaru recently appeared in your columns, and I reproduce it without apology for the sake of the great moral lesson it conveys:— "The Kissing Case. —The information brought by a married woman named Graaf against Jonathan Allpress for kissing her against her will, because she could not pay what she owed, waß dismissed, as no corroborative evidence was produced." What do we learn from this ? Ist, That it is not expedient, nor indeed agreeable, to kiss any woman against her will. 2nd, That a kiss is not legal payment for a debt unless both parties sign up to that effect. 3rd, That that it's no use making a fuss after you get kissed, unless you have effective evidence of the osculation. There have been so many kissing cases lately in Court —I mean not in courtship—that there will have to be some legislation on the- subject soon. I cannot leave this important matter without an illusion, without reminding those given to this habit of the case of the man in England who recently got fined for kissing his wife in the park. He got fined £5. As one of the papers observed, he might as well have hired a Musio Hall for the performance. Its a queer business is kissing. I've been told so by lots of people. Dante has pointed a big moral in this connection. This bicycling business is going ahead. Its a nice sport, but it has its objections. A bicycle is a thing of joy for ever, but horses don't fancy them as a rule. Hero is a case at point. I was sent up to Riccarton some time since in a buggy. On my return I met a leading member of the jockey fraternity, to whom I offered a seat to town. We had not gone far when to us appeared a nice old old gentleman perched on his bicycle. He passed and re-passed us. Ho dismounted. He vaulted on. Ho circled around. Ho witched us both with feats of noble bicycling. Ho fell off. Ho was here. He was there. He was everywhere. I requested mildly that be would go elsewhere, as our horse (>i bloodlike, untamed steed of Mr Milletfa) objected to such weird performances. The old gentleman still pranced around, and then, after being nearly in the ditch a few times, I discoursed him in some of those poetic terms I learned in your office. I pitched poetry over him in dulcet tones for over five minutes. It was then I heard the raoing gentleman smiling amusedly to himself. "What are you laughing at ?" I said, " thiß is no laughing matter." " Well, said he, you'll have to sing out a bit louder than that. The old man is deaf." Thus may a man waste his time, even with the best intentions. I should be glad, 1 however, if you would tell us something about ' the law in regard of bicycling.

The art of getting out sale catalogues has now nearly reached perfection, but I recently came across one which appeared here at the end of last year in connection with some Victorian cattle that is good enough to make poor Or. Robins turn in his grave. Want of Bpace alone stops me giving his catalogue in full, but I give two quotations for the benefit of any auctioneer who may be engaged on a similar work. " Leander—His great milling powers enable him to masticate the coarsest food; and the propelling properties of his clean limbs will keep his provender constantly within his reach, whereas the animal with narrow face and puny nose requires delicacies anil ' spoon meat.' "Firby was calved in a very unfavorable time of the year, as regards Victoria, and during a very severe year likewise ; and has been kept, "until of late, in undeserved poverty, which oruelty accounts for his not being a greater beast than he now is. Hardship in youth, however, has qualified him to earn a contented living where a delicate beast would die." The above takes beating, anywhere. " A glass or two of Bilin Water taken after dinner will save much pain and ailments arising from improper or too rich food. Dr. Loschneb, Physician to H.M. the Emperor of Austria. Wholesale, 27, King street, Oheapside. Betail of all Chemists." The above advertisement appears in the London "Daily News." I can scarcely think it can be altogether correct. I judge so from the statement made to me by an old lady in our neighborhood who brought me the advertisement, and who had acted on the warrant of Dr. Loschner, Physician to H.M. the Emperor of Austria. If Losohner were to come round here just now he would be able to give another certificate on the merits of Bilin Water. In these phonetio times people should be careful about their spelling. During the present meeting of the Synod a resolution of some interest to many was moved by Archdeacon Harper. It waß to the effect that in cases of Burial where the Bubrio forbids the use of that office it should be lawful for the minister to use a service taken from the book of Common Prayer. The reasons for such a resolution were, one would have thought, pretty obvious, and it being a matter which, as the Archdeacon observed, frequently gave olergymen great perplexity, it is a matter of wonder that the Synod did not pass the resolution. But they could not see going against the Eubric, and the resolution was lost. And thus it is that one who, for mayhap no fault of his own, dies unbaptised, or perchance from insanity commits suicide, is buried like a dog, while the clergyman will still continue to give hearty thanks that brothers have been delivered from the miseries of a sinful world, to which, if they only get their eventual deserts, they would be only too glad to get back. No wonder clergymen are perplexed sometimes. I'm not good at these questions, but I think I should have supported the Archdeacon's resolution had I been honored with a seat in the Synod. Does any one ever read the "Spectator" nowadays ? I mean the paper edited by one Addison, and for vhich Steele and other newspaper fellows of some note at the time contributed. If so, they may remember the very charming letters written by Clarissa, Saccharissa and Co. in reference to social matters of various kinds. Such a letter I received yesterday, and I re-publish it with a great deal of pleasure, for the benefit of those whom it may concern:—

" I was travelling lately by train from one of our local towns to the metropolis. A person, assumedly a gentleman, entered a railway carriage with me. He was neither young nor old—a little bald—as appeared when he removed his hat, but presumptively a gentleman. Twenty-five years ago, in Regents Park and other places, I have seen men picking their nails; but a gentleman never. Conceive my horror when this assumptive gentleman drew off his gloves and began picking his nails ! an operation which lasted while we passed three stations. In the interim I observed, as I had on several other occasions, Tom Hodge and Jack Straw pull out their chubbs and dig the dirt from under their nails. The action of the latter seemed to me legitimate—reasonable. These people had too much to do in working hours, and made the most of the leisure afforded in train transit. I think, sir, any one assuming to be a gentleman, should perform his toilet at home, and should refrain from picking his nails in any railway carriage in Canterbury. Beyond the boundaries they may do as is the custom of the Natives amongst whom they travel. Yours, Viatoe.