VARIETIES.

Globe, Volume XXI, Issue 1683, 12 July 1879, Page 3

VARIETIES.

An editor in Sheboyan, Mich., was shot at four times last month, and now his “reptile contemporary ” refers to the matter under the head of “Amusements.” A Frenchman is about opening a ‘ Hymcnial Academy” in Covington, Ky., in which young ladies will be taught the marriage service, with all the proper sobs, sighs, and hysterics in three easy lessons. A young man advertises in a New York paper for a situation as son-in-law in a respectable family. He would have no objection, he says, to go a short distance into tho coun'ry. A cat in Chicago has achieved a kitten with five heads, and wo can imagine how sweet it will be when that cat attains its majority, to have it sit on the back wall and commune with itself.

There has been a great improvement in toys during the last quarter of a century. Twenty-five years ago a child made a job for the undertaker by sucking the paint off a two cent wooden monkey. To-day Young Hopeful’s toy steam engine explodes and knocks his mother’s brains out, 'Jiie Real Test.— Plato says that philosophy consoles a man in all trials, but we would have liked to see Plato chasing a lawn-mower about his front yard and trying to produce a pleasing impression on the pretty girl across the way about the time the machine struck a stone and the handle took him in the pit of the stomach. There is a Diorama showing at btawell, and the proprietor is annoyed because the local paper did not notice a picture of Bethlehem. The editor says he omitted to do so out of kindness to the proprietor, for the picture is as much like Bethlehem as the fifth wheel of a coach is like the man who runs the show. lie says ho never saw angels equal to those in this diorama. Louisa Margaret's Nose. —The Duke of Connaught is by no meats in straitened circumstances ; yet it is an undisputed face that he has for years been looking for something to turn up. Happily, ho has found it in the nose of his distinguished bride, and will now proceed to settle down, and bo good and respectable. For the nose of Louisa Margaret is au unmistakable pug. It is a auubby and a rosy and a puggy nose, with an apparent ambition io do nothing but to gaze at itu mistress’ eyebrows, and perad venture write sounds to them with an occasional inspiration in behalf of the supremely excellent bang which surmounts her marble forehead and is a fitting conclusion to the I front portion of her unrivalled hair. 1 Whether Louisa Margaret’s uoic will ha

pleasing to her mother-in-law is a very important question, but one that we pannoS stop to consider now. Probably it will not. We know that the Queen has never forgiven her Russian daughter in-law for haying a pug nose, and has let pass no opportunity for comparing that organ with the nasal protuberance of the Guelphs. But if Albert Patrick is pleased with the nose, the displeasure of her Majesty is, after all, a secondary consideration; and we may at least hope that there will be no war between England and Germany because of it. “ Buffalo Express. ” A man with the toothache doesn t care about anything else. The glories of the world pall on his taste, the wonders of creation seem as naught, The tooth becomes a volcano of belching fury, and the rest of life hidden in a cloud of its billowing smoke, you can’t borrow iff a man with the toothache. You can’t instruct and improve him. Yon tell him that the world travels at the rate of 1000 miles a minute, and it doesn’t startle him in the least. He simply groans. Yon say to him, “My friend, there are stars so far off that their light has not yet reached this world.” But he don’t mind it. He only howls. You tell him that some of the sun spots are 100,000 miles in diameter, and that one of them would take in Jupiter at one monthful; but it is nothing to him. He goes on s rearing and weeping. Sometimes a man’s tooth aches so hard, the pain is so agonising, that several strong men have to hold hirn down by main force while some important scientific fact is being communicated to him. FRUITS OP MARRIAGE. A Hindoo died; a happy thing to do, When fifty years united to a shrew. Released, he hopefuTy for entrance cries Before the gates of Brahma’s paradise. “Hast been through Purgatory?” Brahma said. “ I have been married ! ” and he hung his head, “ Come in ! come in ! and welcome, too, my son ! Marriage and Purgatory are as one.” In bliss extreme he entered Heaven’s door. And knew the bliss ho ne’er had known i before. He scarce had entered in the gardens fair, 1 Another Hindoo asked admission there. The self-same question Brahma asked again : “Hast been through Purgatory?” “No, What then?” “Thou canst not enter ” did the god reply.^ “ He who went in was there no more than I.” “ All that is true, but he has married been, And so ou earth has suffered for all sin.” “Married? ’Tis well, for I’ve been married twice,” “ Begone ! We’ll have no fools in Paradise. ,