VARIETIES.

Globe, Volume XXI, Issue 1662, 18 June 1879, Page 3

VARIETIES.

Says a musical critic, "I am always pleased when I see a young lady devote herself to the study of the harp or the violoncello. It is one less to play the piano."

" Danielsville Sentinel." —Tongues cannot tell the words or express the astonishment of the crippled soldier in Connecticut who awoke to find his wife using his wooden leg to pound the beefsteak for breakfast. An English district visitor left her umbrella in a house at which she had called to give a pior woman some money to bury her husband. When she went back for her property she found the " corpse" and the widow dancing in the kitchen. "Mamma, I don't think the people who make dolls are very pious people," said a little girl to her mother one day. " Why not, my child?" "Because you can never mike them kneel. I always have to lay my doll down on her stomach to say herprayera." —"Youth's Companion." " How shall we train our girls ? " asks an exchange. Train 'em with about twentytwo yards of black fcilk, if you want to please your girls. A silk velvet train would also make 'em happy.—" Norristown Herald.''

Curious we never saw this notice in any of our country exchanges :—" Owing to the press of poetry, a large number of advertisements are unavoidably crowded out, but will positively appear in our next."—" Puck." It looks bad to see a dog precedinghis master down the street and calmly turn into the first publichousc he approaches. It shows there is something wrong, something lacking, a deplorable tendency on the part of the dog. He put his arms around her wafct And swore an awful swore, And as he jerked it off again He said, I've felt that Pin-afore. —"Puck."

An exchange asks, " What is nicer to hold than a pretty woman's hand t" A pretty woman. If that is not the answer we give it up. That suit 3 ua well enough. —"Stillwater Lumberman." Queen Christine, of Sweden, says she loves men "not because they are men, but because they are not women." Bless the queen's sound mind, that is just what makes us love ourselves so much. —"Rockland Courier." When a man suddenly sits down in the street with a shock that loosens his eyeteeth, it ia not at all propable that he slipped accidentally. He did it on purpose, with the purely humane desire to point out a dangerous spot to those less "certain on their feet." He usually accompanies his explanation with a smile that is meant to be winning, but is poorly calculated to deceive.—" Norwich Bulletin." In some instances it takes one thousand pieces of Japanese money to make a dollar. When the basket is passed around in a Japanese church it is frequently returned to the pulpit running over with coins, and yet only contains se7enty-five cents. Churchgoing people find this money a great convenience.—" Norristown Herald." Emma Abbott writes to an Eastern paper, "To this day I love the school girl who gave me half her apple one day when I I was hungry." We can see your half apple, Emma, and go you a bushel better. We still love the school girl ont of whose grand-

particle hungry. And now, if you could just see her baby—oh Emma ? —" Burlington Hawkey e," Science says now that kissing on the lips mnst be abolished in the interests of health. Most potent, grave and reverend seigniors, scholars and philosophers; there are moments you know nothing of, when a man don't care two cents for science, and when he is going to plant kisses where they belong if the lawß of health are ripped from Alpha to Beesheba. —" Stillwater Lumberman." A farmer's wife, in speaking of the smartness, aptness and intelligence of her son, a lad six years old, to a lady acquaintance, said—" He can read fluently in any part of the Bible, repeat the whole catechism, and weed onions as well as his father." " Yes, mother," added the young hopeful, "and yesterday I licked Ned Rawson, threw the cat into the well, and stole old Mickey's gimlet." Rare people : Those who never laugh at their own jokes. Men who wheel a baby carriage gracefully. People who will admit they never read Shakespeare. Men who can pass a nice display of ladies' hosiery without looking. Girls who wouldn't risk being wrecked on the sea of matrimony, rather than paddlo their own canoe.— " Wheeling Leader." A friend told us an anecdote the other day, quite new to us—When Ellen Tree, afterwards Mrs Charles Keau, was visiting France Borne yeais ago one of the Custom House officers was proceeding to examine her trunk for contraband goods. " Contraband goods," exclaimed a bystander. " Who ever heard of contraband goods in the trunk of a tree ? " Of course the joke was lost on the Frenchman, but Miss Tree laughed till she cried. A man who married a scold witnessed the play of "Taming of the Shrew," the other night, for the first time. He went home full of inward chuckles, and mentally resolved that he would also embark in the " taming " business before the sun again gilded the western horizon. So the next morning he procured a cartwhip, and, when his wife ordered him to take his feet off the mantelpiece, he snapped the whip defiantly, smashed a cofFee-p jt, a Biigar-bowl, a dollar pitcher, and two plates, aud —and that was all. He says Shakespeare was a colossal fraud, and he is glad he is dead, —"Norristown Herald."

FOR BETTER OR WORSE.

The old man Bendigo keops a pretty sharp eye on his daughter Mary, and many a would-be lover has taken a walk after a few minutes' conversation with the hard-hearted parent. The old chap is stuck this time, however, and cards are out for a wedding. After the lucky young man had been sparking Mary for six months the old geutleman stepped in as usual, requested a private confab and led off with—- " You seem like a nice young man, and perhaps you are in love with Mary ? " "Yes, I am," was the honest reply. "Haven't said anything to her yet, have you ?" " Well, no; but I think she reciprocates my affections." "Does, eh? Well, let me tell you something. Her mother died a lunatic, and there's no doubt that Mary inherited her insanity." •' I'm willing to take the chances," replied the lover. "Yes; but you see Mary has a terrible temper. She has twice drawn a knife on me with intent to commit murder." " I'm used to that—got a sister just like her," was the answer. "Andyou should know that I have sworn a solemn oath not to give Mary a cent of my property," continued the father. " Well, I'd rather start in poor and build up ; there's more romance in it." The old man had one more shot in his carbine, and he said " Perhaps I ought to tell you that Mary's mother ran away from home with a butcher, and that all her relatives died in the poorhouse. These things might be thrown up in after years, and I now warn you." " Mr Bendigo," replied the lover, " I've heard all this before, and also that you were on trial for forgery, had to jump Chicago for bigamy, and served a year in the State Prison for cattle-stealing. I'm going to marry into your family to give you a decent reputation ! There —no thanks goodby! " Mr Bendigo looked after the young man with his mouth open, and when he could get his jaws together he said—- " Some infernal hyena has went and given me away on my dodge." —"Detroit Free Press."

CARRYING A PISTOL.

One pleasant night, in a lonely spot in the Fauburg du Temple, a pedestrian was halted by a robber who threatened to kill him unless he voluntarily subscribed to the campaign fund. The pedestrian calmly drew a pistol from his packet, and placing it to the highwayman's head, marched him to the nearest police station, where he gave him in charge, and told the story to the sergeant. " Very good," said tli9 vigorous official; "and now have you a permit to carry a pistol? " "I have not." " In that case I shall be compelled to hold you on a charge of earring concealed weapons." "But if I hadn't had my pistol with me I would probably have been murdered." " This is quite likely, but the law takes no cognizance of little things like that. The law is the law, and must be obeyed." " Very well ; but is there any ordinanco against carrying a pistol that won't shoot?" " No ; of course not." "Then if you will be bo good as to examine this deadly weapon you will parceive that there is no trigger to it. It is one a friend gave me to take to the armorer's and have repaired." " Lemme go !" yelled the captive highwayman; "I was kidnapped and inveighled here under false pretences. This is a charge of fraud by a fraud." The vigilant sergeant was about as deeply disgusted.