VARIETIES.

Globe, Volume VIII, Issue 1082, 15 December 1877, Page 3

VARIETIES.

A system of musical shorthand has been invented by Mr Eoberfs. It is possible by its use to take down the melody of a piece during its performance. The London “Times” is of opinion that Britain must not only take a much larger quantity of grain from the United States than hitherto, but must pay a much higher price for it. A sailor, looking serious in a chapel in Boston, was asked by the clergyman if he felt any change. Whereupon the tar put his hand into his pocket and replied, ‘‘Not a cent!”

A while ago, a party of Lynchers, down South, postponed a hanging live minutes to allow the victim time to finish smoking a cigar. This proves that the use of tobacco prolongs life,—“ Detroit Post.” When you see a small boy bare-headed, and carrying his hat in his hand, you may know he is letting his head dry so that he can tell his unsuspecting mother he hasn’t been in swimming. When you sec a woman attend church both morning and evening, take a front pew, and ever and anon twist her head from right to left, you may know she has on a new bonnet.

When you see a man hurrying home close on the wee sma’ hours, and occasionally scratching his head, you may bet he is inventing some infernal lodge-night excuse to delude his wife with.

When you observe a man sitting on a door step with dishevelled hair, wild eye, and a haggard and dejected countenance, you may know that he has received a line from hi« mother-in-law stating that she is coming to make him a visit of a week or two.

When you notice a man speak mysteriously to the soda-water dealer, who thereupon mixes with the flavoring an ominous looking liquid, you may know he doesn’t belong to the pledge-signers. The mode of killing the hippopotamus in his native haunts is said by naturalists to be done by throwing quantities of peas on the water. The brute swallows the bait, becomes swollen, dies. Must it not be a peaceful death ?

A Pen du Lac man ate seven cucumbers, a few radishes, a basket of strawberries, and drank part of a goblet of water before going to bed one night. Next day he said, “A person lias no business to drink water just before retiring.” Mr Sanders, of Cincinnati, about fifty-six years of age, says he has “ not known what sleep is for eighteen years. ” His occupation is not stated, but we judge that he is a newspaper editor, and has a note coming due every day in the week.

“What’s the nse of all this sacrifice of life, this bloody butchery of Turks and Russians ?” said a Philadelphia Quaker to a Cincinnati hog merchant. “ I don’t know,” replied the latter, mournfully; “pork isn’t riz any that I can see.”—“Andrews’ Bazaar.’’ Examiner : “And who reigned after Saul ?” Answer; “David.” Examiner: “And who came after David?” Answer : “ Solomon.” Examiner: “And who came after Solomon?” Sharp little girl: “Oh, please, sir, the Queen of Sheba.”

Dom Pedro now has a private attendant who parts the bed-curtains and yells “ Ticket Then a forked stick is rattled along a section of paling fence in the palace, and the emperor smiles in his slumber.— “ Cincinnati Commercial.”

Aunt Emily; “Why, Nellie, don't you know it is unkind to catch hold of your sister and pull her hair ?” Nellie, (who doesn’t see it) “ Well, auntie, I saw you holding cousin round the neck quite tightly yesterday, when mamma was out, and pulling his hair, and he didn’t say anything 1”

The strike on James street yesterday morning was promptly quelled. The old lady marched upon the scene with a broom, and the boy took the saw and returned to work on the wood-pile at old rates. —“Koine Sentinel.”

It was very careless leaving the parrot in the parlor Sunday evening, but she never thought anything about it until Monday morning, when he aroused the whole house by making a smacking noise and crying, “ Darling Susie ! Darling Susie ” He kept it up all day, too, and the old folks are much interested in the case. “Koine Sentinel.”

A Wisconsin widower had five grown daughters who wouldn’t let him take a sec nd wife. He gave up the wife, but bought a savage dog, and now won’t allow a man to cross his door-sill. If he can’t marry the girls shan’t, he says. But the girls will give in by-and-by. They can’t stand that sort of thing for ever. A Chicago fashionable clergyman has failed. Liabilities, 15,000 dollars ; asset s, twenty-two pairs of worked slippers, assorted sizes, fourteen dressing-gowns, thirty pen-wipers, two dozen fancy pin-cushions, nine watchpockets, and seven cushions for easy chairs. The French police destroyed 276 mad dogs in Paris in 1875. During 1876, 310 were killed. Up [to September of the present year the number has reached 217. Amongst the slain was, it is said, the celebrated greyhound sold by Lord Salisbury to a Parisian Cockney for £4OO. “ Try not the pass, ” the old man said, And then he led an ace-heart, red ; But still he answered with a sigh, “ The jack is played, the ace is high.” —“ Suleiman Pacha.

When you see a man with feeble step, debilitated frame, and a cautious, guilty look on his countenance, which seems to spy a lurking enemy around every corner, mark him well—he owes for three years’ subscription to his newspaper. —“ Lowell Courier.” Lady Barker, down in South Africa, trying to tell how dusty it is there, says that little G was about to suffer the extreme penalty of the domestic Jaw for flagrant disobedience, when he remarked dryly to the reluctant executioner: “ You had better take care; lam very dusty.” It was quite true ; for the slipper elicited such clouds of dust from the little blue serge suit that the chastisement had to be curtailed.

A noted English surgeon says that the reason women can’t throw missiles as accurately as men is because their shoulder blades is set too far forward. This cuplana tion, however, affords uo satisfaction whatever to the man whose wife can score a buff’s eye at ten yards on his head with a skil’et twice out of three, and carom on his nose with a teacun across the table every time.