HUMOUR.

Globe, Volume VII, Issue 721, 11 October 1876, Page 3

HUMOUR.

What is the difference between a marketgardener and a billiard-maker ? One minds his peas, and the other minds his cues. Why is the fair sex in Canada suspected of a tendency to homicide ?—Because it is fond of sleighing. “Charles dear,” she murmured, as they strolled along the other evening, and gazed upward to the bejewelled firmament, “which is Venus, and which is Adonis ?” Lord Alvanley’s advice to one who had been kicked, and did not care to call the kicker out, though he deprecated a recurrence of the outrage, was—“ Sit down whenever you see him. ” Frank Moulton says that either he ought to be in the peniteniary or Beecher ought to be out of his pulpit. There is no getting around that. But Mr Beecher’s failure to do his duty is no excuse for Moulton neglecting his. Let him go to the penitentiary. “How shall we settle the labour question ? ’ exclaimed a member of the Georgia Legislature in the midst of his speech. <f By all going to work and earning your living honestly,” thundered a spectator in the gallery. That sentiment brought down the house.

Mrs Gitup, of Davenport, remarked to a neighbour the other day—“ My husband is the hardest man to reason with that ever lived. I had to smash up my china teapot and throw a milk-pitcher through the looking glass before I could make him promise to take me to the Centennial. ”

Young Swell —“I should like to have my moustache dyed.” Polite Barber—“ Certainly. Did you bring it with you.”

Here is an extract from a concert criticism in a Duluth paper—" When Miss Else Fortiscue sang that beautiful ballad, ‘Wheel thine ear-ilap gently toward me/ she brought down the house.”

“ Menu,” we learn from the accomplished scholar of the Pittsburgh Commercial, “is Latin for fodder.” It is a wise child that knows his own fodder in these foreign dressings.

It is mentioned as a singular fact that Solomon never laughed, and was a very melancholy man. It should be remembered, however, that he had 900 wives to advise him what to do when he had a sore throat.

A few days since a man convicted of drunkenness stood up before his Worship at a police court, and the latter said, in his slow, solemn way, “I’ll give you forty shillings or a month. ” “ Well, I’ll take the two sovs, your Worship,” replied the fellow, with a grin. He got the'mouth.

A negro being asked what he was in gaol for, said it was for borrowing money. “But,” ssid the questioner, “they don’t put people in gaol for borrowing money.” “Yes’” said the darkey, “but I had to knock the man down free or fo’ times before he would lend it to me. ”

‘‘ I say, boy, is to shoot round here ?” inquired a sportsman of a boy he met. “ Well,” replied the boy, “nothing just about here ; but our schoolmaster is just over the hill cutting birch rods; you might walk up and pop him over.” Do not imagine, when you see one of those broad-chested statesmen get up in his place on the door of the House of Representatives, that your soul is about to be aroused by a burst of sonorous eloquence. He carries his paper of chewing-tobacco in his coat-tail pocket, and is too fat to reach it without rising. It is not really necessary to have a lamp burning to break a chimney. The chimney will snap if the lamp be not lighted. The only way to avoid these accidents is to keep the chimney in an empty room by itself, securely lock the 'door, and stand outside day and night with a drawn sword.