THE VICTIM OF ASTHMA.

Globe, Volume V, Issue 561, 5 April 1876, Page 3

THE VICTIM OF ASTHMA.

{From the Banbury News.) He was a fat man, almost as wide as the corridor door. * Your name is Rufus Simpson, is it, asked the Court. ( Yes —certainly—of course—my name s Rufus Simpson,’ wheezed the fat man in reply. * And you hail from Milwaukee ?’ ‘ Why yes—certainly. Lived there twentyeight years. ‘ And you were tipsy last night ? *No sir—no sir—l deny the charge in toto. Never was more astonished in my life sir. Perhaps you have taken mo for some one else. ‘ Perhaps I have, Mr Simpson ; but if you weren’t tipsy how came you to be lying flat on the walk, hat in the gutter, satchel in the street, and your feet spread all over ? And when an officer raised you up Mr Simpson, you plainly and distinctly explained, ‘ Zon’t g’way an’ lemme ’lone, I’ll knock e’er head off.’ Would a sober man make such a remark ? May it please the Court, wheezed the fat man, ‘lam a victim of asthma. I was born of honest parents, and my life has been one long epoch of respectability. lam fat, I d give the world to be lean, but I can’t be. I can’t run. Other men can skip and gambol, while I must creep. I can’t sing. _ I can’t whistle. lam an enthusiastic politician, but can’t holler for the candidate on my ticket. If I try, my voice merely makes a sound like wind sobbing through a corrugated stovepipe elbow ; this asthma is killing me by inches. The doctor says that I may live to see strawberries come again, but beyond that I dare not hope. Last night as I came into your beautiful city I was seized with faintness and fell down, and if the officer had not found me I should most likely have been robbed and murdered. lam indeed greatly obliged, and I can’t close my remarks without complimenting the efficient police force of your handsome and orderly city.’ ‘ Fat man from Milwaukee,’ said the Court as the prisoner paused, ‘ once I was like a child. I looked at things as a child. I believed every story and statement, and my heart was free from suspicion. Men took advantage of me, women deceived me with their crocodile tears ; I felt sad for the men who cut theix 1 hair close and bet their money on dog fights. I have changed Mr Simpson. The lamb has become a wolf. That was a good speech of yours, but I can’t part company until yoxi hand the clerk a ten dollar bill.’ The prisoner smiled sadly and paid the money.