LYTTELTON LEGENDS.

Globe, Volume IV, Issue 323, 25 June 1875, Page 2

LYTTELTON LEGENDS.

To the Editor of tJve Glooe. SIR, —It is my melancholy duty to record the death of an old and much esteemed resident of our town, I allude to poor old Boffin. He erpired on Saturday night, in the arms of Mrs Boffin, when he heard that the " Stars" had not arrived by the 6p.m. train. " Peace be to his (h)ashes " —he made many of them in his career. Everyone must have observed how very weak and ailing he has been for weeks past, and when at 3 p.m. on Saturday afternoon last he spoke of two people, Mrs Boffin burst into a torrent of tears, exclaiming, "He is not long for this world, for he never did such a thing in his life before." There was a temporary revival about 5 p.m., for about that time he accused three people of being liars, and one of being a thief; but, alas ! it was only for a time ; at 5.45 he began to sink rapidly, and at six, when he heard the Stars had not arrived, a strong convulsion shook his manly frame, and muttering, " Its all the fault of the Borough Council; I always blame them for everything that goes wrong," Boffin expired. He died of a severe attack of measles, the immense amount of ble in his composition rendering him an easy prey to the fell disease. It is presumptuous on my part to endeavour to supply his place, and I shall only partially attempt so to do, but if a weekly article, in which good men are praised and abuses exposed, is acceptable, well and good, the public of Lyitelton shall have it every Friday and I think it will be enjoyed as much as universal censure. My motto will be—" Pure fun and no malice." Yours affec jionatelv, NICODEMUS. amateur burglars come to grief. We hava had a fire in Lytielton and a Police Court Case over something that transpired while that fire was burning down the most noble institution in Canterbury, the Orphanage, Three very respectably connected young men, two of them married, and one of them not a-t present, were all aroused from their virtuous couches at a very unseemly hour by the ringing of the fire bell, and all of them met, as it were, simultaneously, at a corner near Burnip's pvb, excited beyond measure, but all admiring the havoc the fire was maHng in that institution. What was to be done? Stand and look on at a distance, or telegraph to Christchurch for the brigade to come through? "Telegraph," said William. The idea was taken up, and a strong pirate happening to ]jass at the time whom noboay knew, he burst open the telegraph office and lit a candle, while Joseph went for the wires, as he had a desire above all things to telegraph to several young men who have property feeding there at the Government expense, so that they might come through and lend a hand to extinguish the fire for fear their property might be thrown on their own hands. But oh! horrible to relate, after the housebreaking had occurred, and all of them inside, nothing could be done, as it had never struck any of those pirates that it required some practice to manipulate the wires, for none of the three have any more knowledge of telegraphing than they have of reading the Koran backwards. " Send for the operator," was at once echoed by all three assembled, and a sedate young man belonging to the Borough Schools was told off to do duty as discoverer of the whereabouts of the operator, who soon returned, wondering why his establishment was lit up and crowded with strangers at such a time of night. Bushing in, he wanted to know how they got into his crtb, saying that they might play at poker or euchre, but not with him. Nobody could answer his questions, and it only remamed for the operator to give all three a summons to appear before the beak, and answer to the charge of housebreaking Of course the case was dismissed, as it could not be discovered who the pirate was who broke open the door, so they all returned to their several homes sadder and wiser men, one of the lawyers asking his learned brother if he would "take a carrot ?"

BOROUG/H COUNCIL ESSENCE, Come all ye muses and inspire my brains, To sing of culverts, gullies, contracts, drains. Oh, worthy theme, especially to those Who have the latter underneath their nose. I purpose weekly, gentles, to delight Your ears with histories of that Monday night, When the collective wisdom of our town Debate and squabble, argue, boast, and frown. N.B.—Will positively commence next Friday. No room this week. IN MEMORIAM. On Sunday night one who had come to sojourn amongst us for a brief season passed away to his long home. His is a gad story ; he was a resident in Western Australia, and in business "as a timber merchant; but bard times came, he failed, and his constitution broke down, and he left for this port in the hope of finding 1 both competence and health, leaving his wife and dear ones—a little boy and girl—to follow. Arriving here, he was better for a time, got employment on the railway, and after hard months of saving managed to pat enough together to pay for his wife's passage here ; but alas ! his hopes were doomed to be disappointed. She took her passage in the Grace Darling, and of course took all her wordly effects on board. We all know how that vessel went ashore, and amongst the things that were lost was all the luggage, and the poor woman was thus left without clothes nod furniture, aid with her little

boy and giri to provide for. But phe toiled nobly, and though unused lo work, has managed to keep soul and body together with the aid of the little her invalid husband could send her from time to time. The poor husband was sadly disappointed, and when the cold weather came, he gradually faded away far from those whom, he loved. Thank God, he found kiom friends in Lyttelton to help him, am* he passed away in comparative peace, but there is someiaing more yet to be done Let kindly Lyttelton do something for her whom he left behind. Let the news of his death reach her at the same time that she receives some token of our goodwill. Let her see that he whom she loved so wel' found fast friends in our land. boffin's funeral. Mr Boffin's death has cast a gloom over the entire community, and his many friends, admirers, and enemies congregated at his funeral to pay their last respects, and take a last long look at the timber wherein lay the remains of the people's guide First came Adam, dressed in a suit of sable grey and long-sleeved hat, covered iwith crape, canying a large Rhodes' Bay onion, having droppc i his milking pail for the day, and dispensing with all other business to be present at the funeral of the imbecile. Harvey, grim and demure, with head bowed down, full of sorrow, came next, carrying a weepiog willow in one hand emblematic of grief, and holding out a tin pannikin in the other to catch the tears that were dropping from his eyes, like dew drops from a froste'i cabbage!— Thomas, who had had his whiskers out purposely for the occasion, carried a Good Templar banner with the following words printed in gold letters upon it:"— " Water FAtters, Water Buns, and Water." Yo'."kie's cart followed next with the Alexandra Monument, recently in use by th« Borough Council but bought by the frierr 1 - of Boffin, as a mark of respect to perpetu ut his memory. The missing coins having rjJ been discovered and a strip of flax i i through, these mementoes were carried h tween and . (John not being present at the funeral, on account of urgent privati business, sent by telegraph a small bottle of oil expressive of pouring peace and calm upon the troubled waters) Mr Bonnar followed with a large number of h'B friends, Mr Strickland playing " The Dead March in Saul" on a penny whistle, lent for the occasion by his Worship the Mayor, the soft tones of the instrument b'ending very harmoniously with the jingling of the triangle carried by Mr Agar. As thn solemn cortege file'l past, the crowds that filled the windows in the line of the procession shed tears with the greatest fervour, and itissaid thatseveral handkerchiefs were blown to pieces with the impressiveness of the occasion. Butthe greatest sightof the day remained to be seen. Near the cemetery gate a email arch of cobb er's wax was erected emblematic of one who would stick to yon, and on either side stood the forms of the Claimant and the Sexton, each holding a bottle of vinegar and a corkscrew—(Here the bier was rested while the vinegar was dispensed by the Claimant to such as had need of it) —and a barrow having been wheeled up, the Sexton stood on the wheel and read the following dirge to the memory of the immortal Boffin: — " The prophet Balaam once rode on an ass, but a fair angel standing in the way refused to let the horrid villain pass. He whacked the donkey then, and made it bray ; like a mean cringing cur he bowed down his head, and the poor donkey had to speak instead. Balaam and Boffin both were on a par ; the ass spoke for Balaam—for Boffin, the Star."

P.S.—The poor dramatic society are in deep distress, owing to their scenic artist having turned out a " Pakeha," and so fre others to whom he owed small sums. Never mind, boys, there is Salt in the earth yet. P.P.R.— Where are the 100 casks of cement 1 N,