CAUSTIC IN PORT.

Globe, Volume I, Issue 82, 4 September 1874, Page 3

CAUSTIC IN PORT.

To the Editor of the Globe. ; Sir, —I understand from information I have recived, that the letter I wrote you the last time I was sober, has been appropriated by sundry persons about the Port to their own exclusive use and offence, on the principle no doubt, that -people with long noses think everybody looks at them. j Indeed from what I have heard in this and previous cases, 1 begin to think that one can hardly utter a stinging remark at random on any subject, but somebody there feels how exactly it suits their own case. I am afraid I am rather wanted over there, so let's go down and see. But don't be uneasy any of yon, for I'll pledge myself in the first bumper any one stands for me, not to satirize, but merely to describe, which 1 trust will be quite sufficient. Here we are then, Lyttelton terminus, splendid place for change of air ; admirably adapted for Chinamen to walk in a string, but rather too much length and too little width for ordinary folks. Ah ? and there's the pump and the new station master, both on the platform, and porter, will you be good enough to tell me which is the one, and which isn't the other.

Fine old building that Post Office, but it strikes me that these execrable modern restorations in white pine don't harmonise with the mediaeval tone of the original, What's that you were saying, Joey ? Is this the spot where the new Government buildings are not erected. Really, Mr Richardson, if this is the rate at which you get things done for your own constituents, I am afraid the new town clock won't be up in time to strike the hour of your own exit from office. There is a fine old baronial pile to be sure ; and here- — . Ah, old fellow, how are you? You look like it, ra+h-r r hut I suppose it's all in connection with uuiy. Not a bad fellow that ; if all the barons in the New Zealand peerage are like him, I wish I could come across a few of the earls or marquisses, et cetra. Far superior is the Baron, for instance, to such a thing as a Knight Grand Cup, or Companion of—oh, fie—don't go to make invidious distinctions. Caustic, pass along, with the remark that a Baron -can transmit his honors to posterity, which the Knight can't do under existing circumstances. There's the claimant now : though why a man in such full possession should want to claim anything, I can't tell. Come on, and what will you have claimant? Well, if you will insist on paying for the drinks yourself, all right. I hope you'll get elected, old boy. I hope you will get to the top of the poll, though its a dangerous place for a man of your number of cwts avoirdupois; but big as your corpus is, Caustic can see to the very middle of it, where there beats as big and as warm a heart as ever walloped in the centre of an Irishman. By the—(vulgar expression, perfectly inadmissible in a critique of this nature), if I were to associate much with honest fellows of \o"" stamp, I should forget my habit of sneering for want of practice. More power to you, and I would add long life to you, only I apprehend that if you live too long and keep on growing, the gate posts of Paradise may get smashed in the struggle to get you in. So this is the Mitre where we are ; but I hear the old boss has promoted himself to the other corner, which, being a threestoried affair, I suppose he means to call it the " Tiara." I recollect it was said a hotel was awfully wanted thereabout. But it is strange that there is so much Sunday drinking goes on now that didn't use to, and it is strange that the police can never find out. any cases except them as aint no case ; and its strange that the Bench but, there, truth is strange, Btranger than fiction, especially the kind of truth that gets sworn to, although it's not to be understood that my client would stoop —and so on, and so on. C I was'just going topbsefve what a suitable place the deadhouse would be to stow colonial beer in, not to mention some of the " Louis" they sell hereabouts, and how handy the accident ward will be, if ever we get it, for folks who. accidentally don't possess the requisite qualification for the morgue. But there's the station bell—see you again soon. Bye. CAUSTIC.