JOTTINGS BY THE WAY.

Globe, Volume I, Issue 39, 15 July 1874, Page 3

JOTTINGS BY THE WAY.

To the Editor of the Globe. Sib, —I owe a short explanation to the disappointed thousands who have felt a blank through the non-appearance of the “ Canterbury Guide,” illuminated is it used to be with the intellectual prodigies of your jhumblo servant. Well then, to be out with t at once, the thing had got to be topped. Complaints abounded, complaints that reached even to the serene sanctum, where the Editor and I used to have our nips ; and penetrated even the luxurious saloon where the proprietors sat immersed in enjoyment, devising new methods of getting rid of the intolerably accumulating profits of the speculation. Travelling was made so easy that everybody was off somewhere, even the country M.P.O.’s were getting woke up to a dreamy perception of the names of railway stations, and were off with their free passes, jigging about like the old cork leg. i. The province was getting depopulated, people who owed bills borrowed the ‘’Guide” and presto ! Ladies who wanted trips got 80 well up to the particulars, that their husbands could no longer gammon them about either distance or expense. On the other side, Mr Priggins complained that the “ Guide” gave no clue to the way to that easy billet, you know, Miss Mignonette Figgins wrote to say that the road to felicity •was not indicated. (For your sake, my dear, I will waive my usual rule, and give the desiderated information; you may book yourself at any church or Registrar’s office ; hours of starting, any time previous to four p.m.) Then the literary articles were rather hot; most of the victims of course were so shrivelled up, they were never heard of, but ■ome obstinate [fools who couldn’t sec the joke till their friends kindly pointed it out, survived with ease, and got shirty. More than one solicitor purchased and perused the “ Guide” at their clients’ expense in the hope to find , the locality where a writ for libel could be delivered to the present writer ; mean sneaks they 1 If a fellow in propria persona punches my head or disturbs with his boot the equipoise of my coat tails, while I regret the occurrence, I can comprehend the situation, and acquiesce with the meekness that is bred of much experience, but those cool-blooded lawyers who do other men’s little revenges for money, and would just as soon take my side if I happened to apply first, let these presents witness that I, “ Caustic” of the first part, do hereby demise and assign all and singular them of the second part into the devil of the third part, to have and to hold, until I by an instrument under my hand think fit to recall them, and they may plant potatoes down there if they like, without fear of a recall before the crop is ripe and ready roasted. A man met me one day, and says he, “sir, are you that -' Caustic ” as wrote that blameable article about me?” I admitted my identity with the distinguished author, and mildly affirmed that 1 bad said nothing but

the truth, and not all that.'“Yes,” said he, “I know it’s true, and that’s just what I object to, had it been a lie I shouldn’t have cared a (impediment in a watercourse) but I bo bad-worded if I stand it,” and he raised his fist. lam a good man of ray inches, and expert with my weapons, more particularly that stringed instrument called a gin-sling •, why should Ibe prolix over trillcs —I homicised that man ; nobody took any notice, not likely ; but next Saturday a new hot pieman started business ; I took no notice of that; and next day it was understood at the office that I had advised the proprietors to stop the “ Guide.” Now Sir, that is past; and I am ready to help the “ Globe” to keep the ball rolling. No want of matter ; only a scarcity of space. I noticed some rhyming genius lately was delivered of a joke? touching the connection of the Mayor of Lyttelton, and something or other “ sky-blue’’—why didn’t he aspire to a joke like the following, which he will find is no joke at all if he ever tries his hand at Port business. Why are the Port folks such Tartars? d’ye give it up ?—because they drink Mare’s milk. 1 could make you a bigger one, but I won’t discourage struggling talent. I observe the City Council want a person capable of " filling” the office of city surveyor. Can you give us any idea of the size of the office, or how a fellow who “ fills” it is supposed to get in and out. Has his Worship much spare space in it ? Are the city schools in vacation at present ? Yours, &c., CAUSTIC.