THE POLYGLOT PAPERS.

Gisborne Times, Volume XIX, Issue 1561, 18 September 1905, Page 3

THE POLYGLOT PAPERS.

(By Alpha.) “ A ohiol’a among yo bakin’ notoa, An’ fo»h ho’il print thorn.” That august body known as tho Gisborne Harbor Board is deeply to bo sympathised with in its Donald Dmmo » wrestlings with tho over-shifty kaleido- ' seopic problem of harbor improve--1 ments. ! Tho aquatic magnates whoso unenviod lot it is to grapple with that slippery problom, are flurried, worried, vexed, porploxod, dazed, and it will bo tho eighth wondor of tho world if they are not eventually crazed by the undor-wator impish tricks, dodges, and deceptions of which this harbor of ours is porsistontly guilty. It is chiefly responsible for the borrowing of £200,000 in one act, it is entirely responsible for the very liberal outlay of about £120,000 on the improvements which as yet are not im* provoments, it is as yet most disloyally responsible for its mocking defiance of engineering genius, that bewilderingly scratches its head in a vain effort to j

originate some meang of control whereby the harbor as a harbor may be brought to a due sense of its proper use and duty. We have presented it with a massive and expensivelybuilt groyne fit to figure as a formidably defensive bastion in a Port Arthur siege, we have surveyed it, sounded it, buoyed it, dredged it, and reproachfully stared at it, until Harbor Board j genius is almost paralysed, and Harbor Board patience all but exhausted. In dwisivo defiance of all this the silt, sand, and mud continue to perform their sub-aqueous capers,J and never content with one fixed location, change their positions according to their own sweet and unbridled wills, first here, then there, now deepening and again shallowing the harbor’s approaches I with a cunning duplicity that baffles the most profound and abstruse calculations of nautical engineering. TJnder these circumstances I come to the aid of the drooping and despairing Board with ■an uncopyrighted suggestion—run out groyne and breakwater to the verge of deep water, then span the apace aoroas with two steel-built doublelook gates for ingress and egroaa, worked hydraulically ; beg, borrow, or—ahem—er —obtain—half a dozen dredgers to capture those erratic silt and mud fiends within the enclosed canal; then present me with a handsome honorarium and a statue as due rewards of genius, and—there you are. Ii that sohemo is rejeoted then the H.B. must be left to its dejected fate!

Bat aboat tho talked of outer harbor; as Hamlet would say, " there’s the rub,’ 1 for thereby haogs another problem. Oertoßt when this latter suggestion is brought to tbs front, the contentions as to a future whereabouts will constitute a “burning question” of the most fiery type, raising even a more olamorous powwow than the Oook memorial haka. I have no suggestions to offer in this oase, —as yet. It would be hazardous, if not positively dangerous to do so. I wish to hear the opinions of experts first I don't say amateurs, for that particular species of human biped is as extinct as the Dodo. Everybody is an expert nowadays on any question that comes within the purview of terrestrial knowledge. With this reminder dangling itself before me I cautiously emphasise the fact that there are several spots most suitable for the formation of a uniformly deep water and capacious harbor. Not all of equal merit, certainly, for in considering such a scheme, several important particulars are to be taken iuto aeooant, and in selecting any special locale for tbe construction of a deep-water harbor, points of difference mast be noted and adjudicated upon, tbs chief of whioh is to guard against an undue isolation of tbe town from the harbor to prevent, a 3 much as possible, a needless oost of railway construction later on, an increase of freightage, and a consequent corresponding degree of inconvenience. In addition to this, the site chosen should have such natural advantages relating to depth, oapaoity of breadth, and a formation of the shore-line such as would facilitate the construction of a safe, convenient, and amply accommodating harbor at the least possible expense- Further than that I dooline to go at present, or the experts may come bounding along tho war-path with declamatory fierceness. I patiently await tbe tangible fulmination of this outer harbor sobeme.

The following is all the way from Brooklyn (America, of course), and may be of some official interest to oar New Zealand S.kl.’a and J.P.’s, while it may aot os a salutary warning to all reoalcitrant Benodiots who violate their marital vows and obligations, One of these conscienceless maloontents was charged with abandoning his wife, and the “ ooort ” sternly prescribed the subjoined penalty, 14 I sentence you to take your wife and baby to Coney Island onoo a week, to kiss her at least once a day, and give her £1 Is weekly. I further suggest that you give her a bunch of flowers once in a while, You are commanded not to allow your mother-in-law to interfere with your household arrangements. This sentence is of four weeks’ duration. At its expiration you will both report here. If you have not obeyed the sentonoe, you will be punished for oontompt of Court.” It is also naively observed that “the man duly began to oarry out his sentence by carrying out the baby.” That magistrate deserves to be immortalised. He furnishes an example which his brother adjudicators out here would do well to follow, as being suggestive of a pleasantly imperative way of solving divorce court problems and settling aotions for maintenance. Kissing by compulsion is quite a new institution, the hitherto recognised rule being that this delightsome interchange of yum-yum cour. tesioa ''goj?gf by favor," and is usuaily engaged in with a ypluntary eagerness by the privileged kisses. DoubMpsa there was I a time when the aforesaid delinquent benediot spontaneously conferred upon hia wife many labial salutes irrespective of any compulsion, but, —well, well, there aro few things more reversible than matrimony. The » buooh of flowers onoo in a while ” is deliciously ©stbetic, well calculated to foster a revivified tenderness, while the stern interdict against the prying propensities of a “mother-in-law” was doubtless intended to lessen the chanoes of any renewal of matrimonial disoord. It goes without saying that tho complaining wife would appreciate the weekly picnio to Coney Island, and also the mandate com' polling her husband to talje his full share of nurßiDg tho baby, but as a practical woman, and she must have been practical, else she would never have appealed to the law, over and above all the other injunctions of the sentence, she would set the premier value pn the weekly allowance of that £1 1«- Cash is the great oonsoler, even in matrimony.

Id superlative terms, the Borough Conn* oil, deserves to be muchly commended for its ordered construction of the footway attached to the Kaitl bridge, whioh is now “ open for traffio,” and the artisans encaged in IJs construction equally deserve a special vote of public thanks for the splendid, workmanlike manner in whioh they have carried out the oontrapt. This l pedestrian thoroughfare is as gratifying to the eye as it is sturdily reliable as a substantial support to the traveller’s tread, I and forms a most reassuring refuge from | vehicular, bovine, and eijuinc dangers. I i have occasion, now and men, to cross that bridge, and more than onoe have been tangled up in a mob of horses, who displayed but little respeot for nay bewildered embarassmont, Now, the safety of my ! valuable life will be assured in all future 1 bridge peregrinations, and the lugubrious 1 prospeot of the Gisborne flags being et I half-mast for the premature loss of a | distinguished citizen is happily dissipated. I Still, I am disappointed, for there was no I opening ceremony, I have seen such I functions '"held concerning objects of far | less use and importance than the Eaitl I bridge footway. It would have been a unique opportunity for the Mayor and Councillors to appear in state, for our I Parliamentary oandidutea to roll up and 1“ orate,” and for the publio to enthusiastically approbate. Sir, tberi should | b w beep • "* lanbiiotcu”.