How Lord Kitchener Ended the Boer War.

Gisborne Times, Volume VI, Issue 232, 9 October 1901, Page 3

How Lord Kitchener Ended the Boer War.

(Mr Dooley in Harper’s Weekly.) “ Loud Kitcheneh wrote th’ notice. He’s a good writer. ‘ Ladies an’ gintlemen,’ he says, ‘ this war as a war is now over. Yfo may not know it, but it’s so. Yo’ve broke th’ rules an' we give th’ fight to oursilvos on a foul. Th’ first principle iv a war again England is that th’ iuimy shall wear r-rod or purple coats with black marks f'r to indicate th’ location iv vital organs be day an' a locomotive headlight be night. They shall thin gather within aisy range an’ at th’ wurrud 1 fire ’ shall fall down dead. Anny remainin’ standin’ aftherward will be considered as spies. Shootin’ back is not allowed be th’ rules an’ is severely discountenanced by our , ladin’ military authorities. Anny attempt at eoncellmint is treachery. Th’ scand’lous habit iv pluggin’ our gallant sojars fr’m behind rooks an’ trees in a breach iv internaytional law. Rethreatin’ whin pursooed is wan iv our copyrighted manoovers, an’ all infringements will be prosecuted. At a wurrud fr’m us th' war is over an’ we own ye’r counthry. Ye will see fr’m this brief sketch that ye're no better thin guerrillas an’ pirates, an’ now be th' r-right vested in me bo meself I call on all persons carrying on this fool ish, tiresome conflict whin I ought to be home dhraggin’ down th’ money fc’m Parlymine, to come in an’ be shot,’ ho says. “If they don’t,’ says he, ‘l'll confiscate their property that is desthroyed and abolish their r-rights as cityzcns which they have none, and charg6 thim a little somethin’ ft- th’ care an’ burryal iv their fam’lies,’ ho says. So there’s th’ finish iv th’ Boers. They’re out iv it now. Their ennthrics wudden’t bo aecipted on anny thrack in th' wurruld.”