Tit Bits

Feilding Star, Volume VII, Issue 123, 27 March 1886, Page 3

Tit Bits

Don't expect an advertisment to bear fruit in one night.

A man's sign offers a mute invitation to those who pass his place of business; his circular can only reach those to whom personal attention is but his announcement in a newspaper goes into high ways and by-ways, Ending customers and compelling them to consider his arguments. A New york physician says if a man will take a hot bath and lie in bed sixteen hours he will rise three-quarters of an inch taller than when he turned In. He says he got a short man appointed on the police force in that way. little Billy, who was about four years old, after waiting for his lunch a good while with commendable patience, said — ' Mamma, may I have some sardines and bread V To which | the fond mother replied — 'Not now, Billy. Wait until lam ready to give them to you V *But ma, it's me who's hungry, not you.' And the poor little fellow's eyes filled with tears.

A lady lecturing on teetotalism, lately, said — c Consider the number of persons who drink themselves to death. My grandfather drank himself to death.' One of the audience got up and said, 'Ma'am, if your grandmother was such a woman as you, it accounts for it,* and walked out. The meeting broke up in disorder.

A curious romance in real life has been brought to notice at an inquest in Ireland on the body of a pensioner who had served twelve years in the army. At the post mortem examination it was discovered that the sex was the reverse of what it was always supposed to have been, as a widow ■was left — without children — to whom she, not he, had been married for twelve years. Still more curious when the * lone widder' declared her entire ignorance of her husband's sex.

A capital illustration of the force of expletive was alluded to in a lecture the other day. The lecturer, wishing to inculcate the merit of persistency, quoted a speech of Sir C. Napier's under fire. A galloper, arrived breathless with the news, * We have captured a standard, sir." The General took no notice at first ; but when the youngster reiterated his important intelligence, he observed gruffly, ' Hang it, sir ; go and take another. !

Two Highlanders were seen on. the the Oban steamer, one of whom carried ostentatiously a large red handkerchief. His friend, in the course of the journey, produced an orange, and proceeded to suck it. He of the handkerchief looked curiously at it for a few znoments, and then exclaimed, "Here, Sandy, mon, gie. us a suck o' your orange, and V gie you a blow o' ma napkin." Not long ago a Scotch lad ran away from farm-service, and, en being questioned by his friend* as to the reason, lie •aid he did not like the meat he got. The farmer (he said; had a sheep that deed.' and I had to help to eat it. Then a calf deed, which I had to help to eat as weel. Then the auld farmer's wife deed, and I was sent to a shop for a lot o* salt. Div ye think I was gaun t* stop to eat the auld woman? No likely, and I

hooked it. j Some days ago a young lady was walking with a gentleman rather older than herolf. Suddenly he saw a black object upon her satin neck. It moved ; it was an iasect^-genus pulex ! Taking the advantage to which men of grey hair are so prone-r* youngef man would have been more timid— he at once removed the insect with his finger and thumb. The young lady, turned at the touch inquiringly. "Pardon me," said her companion, "** but you had a flea on your neck." The lady showed mock displeasure. *' Should I not have removed it P" asked lie anxiously. "Y-e-ss," she replied hesitatingly; "but you might have called it a gnat." — Press.