WIT AND HUMOR.

Evening Star, Issue 4015, 8 January 1876, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOR.

It was comforting to an Irish editor to know that half th« lies told about him were not true. Josh Biihpgs saya he don’t care how much people talk, if they will only say it in a few words.. A Kansas woman wants a divorce because ner husband called his mother-in-law “ an old grasshopper.” There’s not ranch grief when a fat man dies m Rhode Island, as it gives the survivors more room to stretch themselves. .. 4 Western paper promises to publish a thrilling cereal. It’s readers will probably make an oat of it.—American paper. The great difference between Lord Byion and Burn in early youth was that one was a Harrow boy, and the other was a ploughboy. A large number of the newsuapei-g this winter are tri-weeklies—they get out a paper one weok and try to the next.— ‘ New York Reporter. A disrespectful son asked h ; s father--" Why is neighbor Smith s liquor shop like a counterfeit dollar i I can’t tell f my son.” Because you can t pass it,” said the boy. “t!-o c-c can that .p-p-p-parrottalk?” asked a stuttering man of a German. " Yen he don't so gooter as you, I schop, by tam, his head It was a Chicago lady who sent an order to Rome to a celebrated sculptor for " one marble °f Appoller in his c!o>e, to cost not moie than one thousand dol ars !” An English newspaper has an advertisement from a c-ergyman”—"Violet velvet seimoncaae, large size, with gold embroidered monogram on the cover, lined with watered silk, very handsome, never been used, cost Si guineas; infants’ new shorn underclothing de" sired in exchange.” Among the latest signs of progress in France are the prohibiting of piano-playing by the Mayor of Lille, "as it promotes depravity,” and the whim of a we 1-known countess who ad - ertises for tenders to make her winter toi ettes Madame Luigina Stabilini, widow of the well-known Italian writer Guiseppe Ravini, died from a dropsical tumor, after undergoing 354 surgical operations " Are the young ladies of the present day fit for wives, askei a lecturer of his audience. " They are fit for husbands ” responded a femia ne voice ; “ but the difficulty is that you men are not fit for wives.” The applause was great, as was the discomfiture of the lecturer. A baker in Portsmouth, whose establishment was burned lately, as soon as the fire around his ovens had sufficiently cooled off, opened them, and took out the supply of bread, and delivered it seasonably to his customers, as if nothing had happened. A man in Kentucky was found dead with fourteen bullet holes in his head, and a coroner’s jury returned a verdict of " Death from undue excitement.” Woman's Wit.—" See here, wi'% you indulge that hoy too much. H e is a perfect mule” "Oh, husband, please don’t accuse our poor boy of having an ass for a father,” The old man was silent, A man never gets thoroughly disgusted with love’s young die m until he has given a girl a ring, and three days afterwards discovers that she has been to a jeweller to ascertain its value. " William,” observed a ■ ai bury woman to her husband, " Mrs Holcomp feels pretty i badly since the loss of her child, and I wish you would drop over there and see her. You might say that all flesh is grass—that we’ve all got to go the same way ; and see if she is going to use her dripping pan tuis afternoon." A schoolboy being set to write a composition on the ox, after a long struggle produced the following “An ox does not taste as good as an oyster, but it can draw a bigger load and run twice as fast,” One for the Old Man.—This must have somehow set the old man thinking. A mother and father were trying to petsuade their daughter o marry a man she did not love. But the girl objected, and on being pressed for her objections, she rep ied " Well, in the fiiat place, he is stu id.”—“Now, hold on, my child,” put in her mother; "that’s no reason at all. Didn’t I marry your father ?” With an eye to the Main Chance.—Bland Undertaker—"Your master’s very id, my dear, isn’t he ? Would von be so good as to give your missus my card ?” Mrs Scott Siddons has distinguished herself as a volunteer nflewoman. The Bideford and orrington Rifle Corps obtained a new long range, which was formerly opened by Mrs Scott i-’Mdons. Mrs Siddons took a Martini Henry rifle and fired at the target, m iking a “ bull’s eye’’the first time and a "centre” wi hj her second shot. She was loudly cheered, and the Devon volunteers boast that they have now in their country the best marksman and the best marksworaau in Eng and. According to a Brussels paper, Louise Lateau, the Belgian girl whose alleged fasting and stigmata have been so much vaunted by the Ultraoiontanes, has resumed tbe ha-.its of ordinary life. Her ris er, concerned at seeing her wasting away, refused admission to the house to the parish priest and the episcopal dee.’ates, from which time the fasting, visions, nd stigmata have ceased. The following story is told as a remark .hie instance of the appreciation of humor ; A German soldier was o dered fify lashes for some alleged act of insubordination. Fritz, disciplined to silence, was fixed to the triangle in the presence of his company. When the first lashes fell uuon his naked should> rs the worthy fellow, instead of < i playing evidences of distress, burst into a fit of uurontroll >ble laughter. The executioner, regarding this manife tation as by no means c mplimentary to his skill, laid on with re-doubled ardour. But the more he laid on the more Fri'z laughed. When cut down he still found gre it diffic dty in restraining h ; s mirth, and indulged in loud intermittent guffaws. The officer in command of the company, with a curiosity naturally excited, approached the hi e iing wretch and inquired the cause of the mirth. " Why,” replied Fritz breaking into a fresh fit of laughter, " I’m the wrong man!” One Lears a great deal about American prisons, and the quantity of work that is got out of the in rates. But one does not so often hear how it is managed. Not very long ago a lazy, loafing felfow became an inmate of Sing Sing. He was asked to work, but refused point blank. The Governor was sent for, an i reasoned with the culprit. " It’s no use talking to me ; I never did work, and I never will; I would rather die first 1” " All right, my man, we’ll seeand the Governor blew a whistle. Pour stalwart warders came into the cell, seized the convict, tied his hands behind him, and one of them put a rope round Lis neck " What are you going to do with me ?” asked the c nviot. " Why, as you say you would rather die than work, and as I am not going to have my average returns per head brought down by any loafer like you, I’m going to'have you hung.” The argument was irresistible. The prisoner commenced his allotted task without any more ado.—" Atticus ” in * Leader.’