POSTSCRIPTS

Evening Post, Volume CXVII, Issue 73, 27 March 1934, Page 8

POSTSCRIPTS

BY PERCY FLAGE

Chronicle and Comment

It would be almost the last straw if Mr. G. B. Shaw developed the habit of talking in his sleep, too. Some of our leaders do-not require a steel vest. They already have a hide like a, rhinoceros, which is just as impenetrable and easier to sleep in. ■*.'■■*■* It is sincerely to be hoped that the only "gushers" England will ever uiieover arc not those-optimists who declare that she; could produce oil and petrol enough to supply the country's needs indefinitely. «- * ♦ MARXISM. What is it has a trunk, but no key, Jweighs 2000 pounds, and lives in. a circus" That's^ irrelevant. A relephant! ■ Hey, that's:the answer. ** " * NOW YOU TELL ONE. "Mabelle," after- some earnest: attempts, makes her debut in Column 8' with this chestnutty-fiavoured libel on Scotia:— A Scot, passing on Ms way one day in England, saw a man pick,up a. coin from- the gutter. ?Hi!" said he, "that's my half-crown." "Just my hick," said the poor Englishman, handing it over. "This is only a florin," said the Scot, "you owe me sixpence.-" * ■■■.#.' • ADD.-CENTENARIANS. Captain Newby, who fought with Garibaldi (it is reported) has just celebrated his 101 st birthday. His wife is; over 90. Those be great figures—^and hero are some rather greater. " Madame Anna Garavarian, of Alexandria, who has recently celebrated her 104 th birthday, lives with ! her three children, who are aged eighty-eight, eighty, arid seventy-six respectively. Between, them they liave celebrated 348 birthdays. * ♦•■■■■-♦ GUESS THE BANK.Those genteel, wijll-groomed lads, who handle hundreds of pounds—other people's—daily may be interested in this par. .Last month more than 1500 clerks in. Bank received official notification.that their,bonus'was to ,bo r reduced by one-sixth on April 1 and' a further one-sixth; on October ~1l Many of them will lose £20 a year." Tho staff is becoming known as the Cinderella of the English banking service. Clerks in. this bank.were, until 1921, the best paid. Now they arc the lowest paid. .*....■.*.. . .* SOCIAL NOTE. ' (Forwarded by. "Ho. Kayl"), A certain lady of wealth, and position in the West End of London, who took a' languid and occasional interest in. the East End, paid a visit to this part of Dockland. She, called at ahouso whore tho mother of a large family.had been hit hard by ill-fortune,:and .opened, the conversation as follows:—"Ahl. Mrs. Jones, I have heard of your case, and meant to come and see you some months ago, but really it has been quite impossible- I have been so terribly busy. - Amongst. other. ; ', things, -my daughter has, just come out." "Ah!" replies the mother of the largo family, "I am jjlad to hear,, that.. My Bert came out only last week" He only had a month. What did yours get?" * .....». *" ' POSTED-. -.. MISSING. '' Scaramouehe. "—Would burn Wholes in the paper. " ' " Jammy Face."—r-It looks as. though, your, heroine was in for a licking. - "Pal o' Mine". (Petone).—Cannofc say until we see it. We're not gifted with second sight—yet. "Georgo B."—Sorry you -thought Saturday's Col. 8 was "not up to the mark."- It was. no great shakes, was. it? ' • "A.B.C."—Creditable first attempt, Try again on .a shorter-wave: length. '' Wandering Willie.'"—Actually, we are paid not to.be serious. How. would' you like to be in that-predicament? . "Cut; It Short."—We have. It. was a painless death. "E.L.P."—That was a great '.hit. among the boys of ,the : village in Boadicea's day. "Television.?'—We ran- a note to that effect last year some, time. "E. and O.E."—Thanks for clipping anent squaring: the circle. May-chisel a par out of it. * * ' x * STAGE FEVER: (With apologies to: John Masefield.) 1 must go back to the stage again, To the footlights and the paint. ' For ths one-night stands,-. ■ and fba changing scene My heart is like to faints And all I ask" is the call-boy's rap, And the "first night" waver, And the lime's hiss; and '.the whit* '' spot," ' -And the music's quaver. 4 I,must go back to the stage again— 1 For the call is loud and clear: To the trouper folk I used to know, And .whose chaff T long to hear. And alii ask is the baton's tap ft For my number calling: And thc_ "big" scone, and the hushed ( ~ house, And the curtain falling. LOLA 'MARIES. MIXED GRILL. Dear Mr. Flagc,—(l) Some cocky, at some farmers' meeting,.said something about dumping pur surplus butter .in the Pacific Ocean. -Hero is a better way of getting rid of it; it}: will at the same time' establish diplomatic relations with one of the neighbours. Brazil has-almost certainly a few' surplus million bushels of. coffee to burn. ' Coffee is' poor burning stuff, but with butter added, should-make a decent fire. Tho idea-is that the surpluses should bo' carted to Tierra del Fuego as. being the nearest to: a halfway point geography permits. Scientific representatives of tho two great over-producers could preside over the convention. Some great new fuel may, be tho result. Midwinter will be the most suitable season; at! about's4-de-grees S. the observers will have every; encouragement to make the conflagration a success. (2) "Auditorial" "may he, familiar, with the following problem, but some postscfipters may find 'it worti examination. A youth has the.choice of three positions, each equally desirable except on ; one- point. - In each thefirst year's salary is £50. -No. I,provides for a rise of £15 each year, No. 2 for. one of £5 each half-year, No^ 3 £l-JOs each quarter. Which-of them should .the. youth take ? (3) At a time when one reads of serious droughts in such far-apart and unlikely places as Berks (England) and Marlborough (New Zealand) this-yam is not out of place. A man front the Bast (United States) visited a fanner in a rather arid Western. State. When told that water had to be hauled-soven miles, he asked "Why don't you sink wells?" "It's easier to haul it across country," was the reply. GESCH. G.isborno.