Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CVIII, Issue 138, 7 December 1929, Page 21

Wit and Humour

"Why didn't you try to keep out of gaol ." '"I did, ma'am. And I got. two mouths extra for resisting an officer." Gaol Visitor: "My friend, have you any religious convictions?" _ Prisoner: "Well, I reckon that's the right word. I was sent here for robbing a church." "4' d like a day off to ge^ marrie<3» sir." But, hang it, you've just been away for a week! Why didn't you get married then?" "I didn't like to spoil my holiday." The parkkeeper approached the tramp snoozing on a bench. "Hi, there. I'm going to close the gates now." " 'Bout time. I thought I felt a draught." A gentleman engaged a chauffeur who, on the first day of his employment, smashed the car. There was some* doubt as to the driver's negligence, but the owner, taking no chances, decided to dismiss the chauffeur. The man immediately made a request, demanding a testimonial, which he received. It read as follows:—"James Smith has been in my employment one day and I am satisfied." The tramp had just done an odd job, and ou being asked what he would like asked for a drop of whisky. ' The kindly employer banded him his drink with the words, "That's another nail in your coffin, my man." ti "Well, guvnor," replied the tramp, "while you've got the 'ammer on ycr, you might drive in another." An American visitor was taken to Lord's to see his first Test cricket match, it happened to be a slow game, and the Englishman, one of those enthusiasts, filled his guest with mnm-rous historical facts about the game. "The first cricket match was started about 1550," he said. "Oh, yes," murmured the Yank politely, "and who's winning?" An office boy had told an untruth. What was worse, he had been found out. The head of his department was talking the matter over with the boss, when the door of the great man's room was opened, and the office boy was called inside. "Do yon know, my lad," asked his employer gravely, "what becomes of young fellows who trifle with the truth?" The office boy nodded. "Yes, sir," was his reply, "you Bend them out as travellers." Two old countrymen were arguing who lived in the healthiest village. The one said: "Our village is that healthy the doctor s gone bankrupt." Then the, other replied: "Ours is that healthy we had to shoot an old man to start a cemetery." The following is a brilliant sally once heard during a debate in the Glasgow University Union: "I have all my bright est ideas in my bath," declared the speaker, who was holding the floor, but by no means the house. Immediately another gentleman arose and. said: "Mr. • Speaker, sir, I propose that this house adjourn in order that the gentleman may take a. bath." "Now, Mollie, tell the name of a wellknown animal that supplies us with food and clothing," asked her mother. Dad," replied Molly. Young Wife: And how much is this drawing-room suite? Shop Assistant: It all. depends, madam, whether you wish, to pay for it on the hire system or not. .. You "8 Wife: Oh, no. I wish to pay for it on the lower system. j'S??,y' dad ' *kis is roast beef," exclaimed Willie at dinner one evening, when a guest of honour was present, "^course," said his father. "What of "Why, you told mother this morning that you were going to bring an old mutton-head home for dinner." Small child (watching auntie try a cake with a skewer): Why do you stick it in, auntie? Auntie: To see if the cake is cooked, darhng. Small child: Well, you can't see much through that little hole! THE COWARD. Two Irishmen were talking, when one said to the other, "See this fellow coming down here, Fat? He's a champion fight'Tyh.at? Him a champion!" said Pat. Hes no champion. I was in having a drink and he came in and knocked my glass over, so I made a 6wipe at him and he dodged. I made another swipe and he started to run, and I chased him for two hours, and not for one second did he turn round and fight. He's no champion. And me with only a little bit of a tomahawk in me hand!" A SERIOUS PROBLEM. Little Mary was in a very thoughtful mood when her mother announced that tea -was nearly ready. "What are you thinking about, child?" she asked, noticing the serious expression. "Mummy," said Mary, "when I get married, will it be to a man like daddy?" course, darling." 'But if I don't get married, shall I be like auntie, then?" "Yes, dear, you will." The little girl sighed wearily. My stars!" she murmured, "what a BRIEFLY SUMMARISED. ; An Irishman having come to England in search of work, engaged a room in a boarding-house. "There's your bed," said the landlady, pointing it out to him. "And there are two more to sleep in this room, but they °™ he, m tIU late ' E° don't be alarmed." iney re welcome," replied the Irishh? wi£f *? jptonsjnto bed, however, ne locked the door. During the night he waf aroused by a loud knocking. <n¥r s there?" he asked. «SJ ,are th f e lodgers. Open the door." 4° room for Ye> caW the Irishman. How many of you are in the room?" silf P»s' w aS l he reply- "There's meT&Ty^a^o^ 11 ■WES'S A DISAPPOINTMENT. ,- A T Sc°fc-entered the famous Ritz Hotel The^saun'tor^f ft his five childre* orde?s U°T«T ?lter Canie to takTtheb ed a bottW amazemr* a»« Scot orderStunned by tvlemonade.and six glasses! waitert^nl 8 8"^ demand, the waiter went off and brought the things re«aS the wanager," he said severely STONE BLIND She looked at it, TIJn 8"?1^ 61"311'" she sa!d > an<L paused. quietly recovering himself, he laughed, and sam: Ah, sweetheart, but love is blind" said?' SmS litapid eyes to his> she "Yes, dear, but not stone blind."

Small Boy (who has been scolded by his mother): I say, dad, you and me would have had a fine time doing as we liked it you hadn't married mother! Judge: So your only defence is that you were drunk when you kissed this lady. How can you prove that? Defendant: "Well, just take a good look at her yourself, Judge. First .Farmer: Yes, I've raised the biggest treak over on my place—a two-legged Second Farmer: Yes, I know. He called on my daughter last night. An actor who had just landed a part was approached by a needy friend who had heard the good news. 'You haven't five bob, have you?"' asked the supplicant hopefully. And the other beamed. "My dear fellow, who told you?" THEY COULD SEE. Teacher was trying to explain the use of a w\i • as a PPlied to speed. Walking across the room very rapidly, she turned and asked: "Now, how woufa you say I walked then, children?" With one accord, and without a smile, they all shouted: "Bow-legged." A REAL ALARM. "Glad to see you getting in on time these mornings, Mr. Stowe," said the manager. "Yes, sir, I've got a parrot now." 'A parrot! What for? I advised you to get an alarm clock." "I did, sir, but, after a few mornings I got used to it, and it failed to wake me. So I got a parrot, and now, when I retire, I hang the alarm clock over his cage. It wakes the.parrot, and what the bird says would arouse anybody." . SHE WASN'T A BEAUTY. Although the mistress of the house was constantly laying in a supply of food, the larder was invariably empty. So she spoke to the cook about it. ' "I am sorry to have to mention it, cook," she said, "but don't you think the food disappears rather quickly in the kitchen?" The cook was very much annoyed. "Look here, ma'am," said she, wrathfuUy, "I may eat hearty like, but no one conld call me gorgeous!" GOT WHAT HE ASKED FOR. . One day, during: the recent drought, a man went into a cafe and ordered a good strong drink. When the waiter brought it, he noticed to his concern that a fly was enjoying a cooling bath by splashing about on the top. "Here, waiter," he said, "What is this fly doing in my drink?" "Well, sir," replied the -waiter -with an injured look, "you asked for gomething with a kick in it." CARRYING IT TOO FAR. • "Everybody in our family is some kind of an animal," remarked Tommy. "What do you mean?" asked his mother. "Why, mother, you're a dear, you know." •'Yes, Tom, and the baby is mother's little lamb." "Well, I'm the kid, sister is a chicken, aunt is a cat, little brother's a pig, dad's the goat, and " "That's enough, Thomas." RATHER FISHY. i An interesting experiment: was tried recently with an ordinary whiting. The fish was put into a large bowl of salt water, and every day a email quantity of the water was removed, and an equal volume of fresh substituted, until eventually the fish lived and thrived in purely fresh water. The investigator was so pleased with the success of this experiment that he tried removing a small quantity of the water daily until the bowl was empty, and found that the whiting did very well without water, and as he was so lively in an empty bowl, he was put in a cage. Here he lived • happily, hopping from perch to perch like a bird, until one day, being startled by some sudden noise, he fell into his water trough and was drowned. A GOOD MEMORY. Old Meanboy was in a restaurant, and as he rose to leave he did not hand the waiter a tip. "Excuse me, sir," said the -waiter, "but haven't you forgotten something?" "Let me see," answered old Meanboy. "my. wife told me to -water the flowers, feed the bird, close the windows, keep the sun off the parlour carpet, Just the piano, and change the goldfishes' water. I did all those things.- No, I haven't forgotten anything." WHO-ANSWERS THAT EVER? The Margisons were away from town, and the house had been left to the care of a solitary young housemaid. Three days of, the -week an old charwoman came in to do the cleaning. On a certain Wednesday the housemaid answered the door, to find the old woman positively livid on the steps. "Hallo!" she cried, "what's wrong?" Well," said the other indignantly, 'Tve been ere ringing fit ter bust meself, but you never come to the door." The younger woman gave a shrill laugh. So that's it," she smiled, "I- see; but it s your own fault. You kep' on co regular I thought it was the telephone." THE OBVIOUS CONCLUSION. The teacher was vexed. • "t°°H here> Johnnie," she said, "this is the third time in one week that you've come to school without a pencil. It's setting too bad." «T,m sorry- miss," apologised Johnnie. I ( keep on forgetting it." 'That's no excuse," continued the teacher. "What would you think of a soldier who went to war without his gun I Johnnies face brightened. "I'd think he was an officer, miss," he replied. WHY SHE CRIED. Willie: "I found mother the other day crying over your book of poems." that so?" (Aside) "What glory! What fame awaits me! For a man to bring tears to the eyes of such a flint-hearted woman ?Tn Wiir f e ««tmly a S"*? achievement." ( Wirri «v bhe iwas r-eally weePing?" Willie: "Yes she said it nearly broke her heart to think that a daughter of J n c ,™? gomg to marry an idiot who could write such rot as that."