Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXII, Issue 57, 4 September 1926, Page 21

Wit and Humour

THE TRUE ROMANCE. (A bundle of American railway bonds to the value o£ £20,000 was found recently beneath one of the seats in a Cheltenham picture theatre at the end of the evening performance.) I went one night to the pictures, for to give myself a treat, And I took my fortune with me and stuffed it under the seat; I stuffed it under the seat, sir, for to ease my mind of care. And twenty thousand pounds, sir, in bearer bonds were there. And I saw the sheriff's daughter come a-riding down the screen, And she wks the fairest creature my eyes had ever seen; The bonds I brought to the pictures were naught to the one she cast, For the bonds of the sheriff's daughter were the bonds that hold you fast. Her hair was blown by the breezes, her smile was kind and true, She sat on a horse like a feather, and handled a rifle, too. And she tossed her head when angry, and tossed it just like a queen, And the tears she shed (in the close-ups) were purest glycerine. I fell for that sheriffs daughter, I fell with a mighty smash; For she cost me a jolly sight more, sir, than I paid at the door in cash; My heart and my hand and my fortune were laid at her dainty feet— For I left my heart at the pictures and my bonds beneath the seat. —"Lucio" in the "Manchester Guardian."

PERFECTION. The little Sabbath circle met; A psalm was chanted far away; Our amateur receiving set Read us the lesson of the day. We heard the organ swell and peal, The hymns, the Litany, and then We heard the congregation kneel And drone an indistinct "Amen." The preacher's voice was very near; Into the room a stillness crept; So perfect was the atmosphere That Uncle George, transported, slept.

Foot Notes. —Dance music.

Bawl Dresses.—Baby clothes.

A "Miss" Spent Life.—An old maid's.

A humorist was once asked if he had ever been to Cork. He said he had not, but lie had seen many drawings of it.

Officer (to couple parked in car): "Don't you see the sign, 'Fine for Parking?'" Driver: "Yes, officer, I see it, and heartily agree with it."

The house-visiting parson sometimes gets unexpected rebuffs. A zealoua curate, doing his rounds in a large eastern city, had his knock answered by a little girl of six or eight, who slammed the door in his face with the remark: "Mother is suited with a clergyman, thank you!"

"Why have you put your cup of tea on a chair, Mr. Jones?" a landlady asked one of her boarders. "It is so very weak," was the reply, "that I thought it had better have a rest."

A young woman selected a £2000 limousine, charged it to her husband, and drove home in it. "And now," he confides, "I know what is meant by car sickness."

Artist: "Dobbins, the art critic, slated my pictures unmercifully.'" Friend: "Oh, don't take any notice of that fellow. He had no mind of his own; he only repeats like a parrot what everybody else is saying."

A disgruntled composer met a Broadway producer and demanded, "Why do you keep reviving Gilbert and Sullivan? Is it to save royalties?" "No, and I'll prove it. Write me something better."

"Why don't you quit work and go fishing?" "I'd like to," answered Senator Sorghum. "But none of my constituent* is a fisherman'; If I want to remain popular as a sport enthusiast I've got to keep on' playing golf."

"Sistah Jones, I'se takin' up a collection fo' de benefit of our worthy pastah," exclaimed one of the brethren. "You know, he's leavin' us fo' to take a church down in Mobile, an' we thought we'd get together and give him a little momentum."

"Which is the greatest city in America?" inquired the distinguished visitor. "The answer depends on crcumstances," answered Miss Cayenne. "If you like motion pictures, it's Hollywood. If you're a dancer, it's Charleston."

Funny thing about bald-headed men. They spend years getting their hair cut, and then -when the hair takes the hint they try to make it grow again.

Barber: "Shingle?" Girl: "None of your business whether I am or not."

She "When we are married I'll share all your troubles and sorrows." He. "But I have none." She: "I said when we are married."

"My daddy's so tall that he can look over the garden fence," said littto Mildred. "So can mine," retorted Mabel, "when he's got his hat on."

Teacher: "Yes, the earth travels around the sun. Now, can anyone tell me what travels around the earth?" Billy: "Please, teacher, tramps."

An odd simile was used recently by a young motorist in speaking of _ a very homely girl. "She looks," fie said, "like seven miles of bad road."

"My, father i» s bootlegger.." "What does that make you?" "Wealthy."

"Old Bill Smith hasn't got a care in the world." ■ "What does he do?" "He's a caretaker."

"Kiss me or I'll scream," said the girl to her boy friend when the chaperon left the room for a minute.

"I've left my last place and I got a written recommendation," said Sarah. "But you can bet before I got mine the ladygot hers from me—and it wasn't written either!"

A critic says that the average theatrical producer is short-sighted. This is not surprising. He generally has a strong cast in his eye.

A jazz conductor in London has two secretaries. But so orderly is the British public that there is no necessity for him to have an armed bodyguard.

A boy defined moral courage thus: If twelve clergymen were sleeping in a dormitory, and one of them didn't say his prayers, that would be moral courage.

Entrance to a new London cinema is free, providing patrons ■ partake of tea or coffee. It is reported that several Aberdeen visitors have arrived with vacuum flasks.

"What time is high tide?" asked the small boy of the old sailor. "You've asked me that question a hundred times," said the sailor. "I tell you high tide is at five fifty-five. You don't mean to tell me you've forgotten already?" "Oh, no," said the boy. "But Ido love to see your whiskers wobble when you say five fifty-five."

One sure way of getting on in the world is to have a will of your own. A surer way is to have one of your uncle's.

"The marvels of electricity have set me thinking." "Yes, isn't it wonderful what electricity can do?"

"She's false to our club." "Why so?" "Well, here we are selling kisses for charity, and she's off in the corner bootlegging them."

Hostess: "It's beginning to rain. You'd better stay to dinner." Visitor: "Oh, thanks very much, but it's not bad enough for that."

"I stay away from the theatre," commented an old cynic yesterday, "in order to be amused."

Mother (coming in at 2 a.m.): ""You needn't have waited up for me, Ysobel. I have my own latchkey."

Ysobel: "I know it, Mommer, but somebody had to let grandma in."

"How is it," asked a police magistrate of a culprit haled before him for robbery, "that you managed to take this man's watch from his vest pocket when it was secured by a patent safety catch?" "My fee, your Honour," replied the man politely and with dignity, "is ten dollars for the full course of six lessons."

"And this," said the artist, "is my latest frieze."

"How perfectly wonderful!" said the appreciative flapper. "It actually makes me shiver to look at it!"

Sam: "That dog knows as much as I do."

Sam's Girl: "Well, don't tell it to anybody; you may want to sell the dog some day."

1 Hotel Chef (to the manager): "Sir, that Irish stew has burned."

Manager: "Well, put tome spice in it and change the menu to read 'a la Francaise.'" :

Mrs. Pintop: "When do you expect your wife home from the hospital?" Mr. Lonebody: "Next" Wednesday, with luck." Mrs. Pintop: "That's too bad. I won't be able to visit her there before Thursday; but maybe she'll have a relapse."

A Scotsman was taking a friend over a new home he had built. "But," exclaimed the, visitor, "I notice that you've not pasted the paper on the walls, but nailed it. What's that for?" "Oh, aye," responded the Scotsman. "You see, we may not be living here always."

Hat Check Girl: "Aren't you going to give me a tip? Why, the champion tightwad of the town_gives me a penny." Irascible Old Gentleman: "He does? Well, gaze upon the new champion."