THE COLONEL’S HAT.

Dunstan Times, Issue 737, 2 June 1876, Page 3

THE COLONEL’S HAT.

Col. Band's is very bald, and in order to induce hia hair to grow ho is using a very excellent article of “ Hair Vigour ” upon his scalp. A week or two ago ho was summoned as a juryman upon a case in the Circuit Court, and, and upontho day of the trial, just before the hour at which the Court mot, ho remembered that ho had not applied the vigor to his head that morning. He had only a few minutes to spare, but lie flew up-stairs and into the dark closet where ho kept the bottle, and pouring some fluid upon a sponge, ho rubbed his head energetically. By some mishap the Colonel got hold of the wrong bottle, and the substance with which ho inundated his scalp was not vigor, but the black varnish with which Mrs Bangs decorated her shoes. However, Bangs didn’t perceive the mistake, but darted down stairs, put on hia hat, and walked off to the court-room. It was a very cold morning, and by the time the Colonel reached his destination, the varnish was as stiff as a stone. He felt a little uncomfortable about the head, and he endeavored to remove his hat to discover the cause of this difficulty but to his dismay it was immovable. 1 It was glued fast to the skin, and his efforts to take it off, gave him frightful pain. Just then he hoard his name called by the crier, and he had to go into the court to answer. He was wild with apprehension of coming trouble ; hut he took his seat in the jurybox and determined to explain the situation to the court at the earliest possible moment. As he sat with a guilty feeling in his soul it seemed to him that his high hat kept getting bigger and bigger until it appeared to him to be as large as a medium-site shot tower. Then he was conscious that the lawyers were staring at him. Then the Clerk looked hard at him and screamed : “ Hats off in court!” and the Colonel grew crimson in the face. “Hats off!” yelled the clerk again, and the Colonel was about to rep’y when the judge came, and, as hia eye rested on Bangs, he said : “ Persons in the court room must remove their hats.”

“ Bangs —“ May it please your honor, I kept my hat on because— Judge—‘'Well, sir you must take it off now. ”

Btnks—“ But I keep it on because I Judge—“We don’t allow any arguments upon the subject, sir. Take your hat off iustautly 1” Bangs—“ But you wont let me— Judge—“ Eeraove that hat this moment, sir ! Are you going to bandy words with me, sir ! Uncover your head at once.”

Bangs-Judge, if you will only give me the chance to—

Judge—“ This is intolerable ! Do you mean to insult the court, sir? Do you mean to profane this sacred temple of justice with untimely levity ? Take your hat off, sir, or I will flue you for contempt. Do you hear me ? Bangs—“ Well, it’s very hard that I can’t say a word by way of exJudge (warmly)—“ This is too much! Tins is just a little too much. Perhaps you’d like to come up on the bench here, and run the court, and sentence a few convicts ! You’ve got more audacity than a mule. Mr Clerk, fine that man 50 dollars ! Now, sir, remove your hat.” Bangs—“ Judge, this is rough on me. I

Judge (in a furious rage)—“ Won’t do it yet! Wliy you impudent scoundrel! I have a notion to Mr Clerk fine him 100 dollars more, and Mr Jones, you go and take that hat off by force !”

Then the tipstaff approached Bangs, who was by this time half-crary with wrath, and hit the hat with his stick. It didn’t move. Then he struck it again, and caved iu the crown; but still it remained on Bang’s head. Then he picked up a volume of “ Brown on Evidence,” and smashed the crown in flat. Then Bangs sprang at him, and shaking his fist under the nose of Mr Brown, he shrieked—- “ Zou mutton-headed scullion ! If that Jackass on the bench had any sense, he could see that the hat is glued fast. I can’t take it off if I wanted to."

The judger amoved the fines, and excused him, and Bangs went home. He slept in that hat for a week, and even when it came off, the top of his head looked as black as if mortification had set in.—Max Adeler, in Hew York Weekly.