FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 4060, 26 July 1884, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

An ova coat—tho egg shell. To the manor born. —Tho heir. Bells that never ring.—Bluebells. Men who wire in.—Telegraphists. Aooanterfit. — A. ready-made suit. ..•■ A table of contents.—The dinner table. Stable articles of trade—Corn, oats, and Positive colored tic.—A "darkey's" AvcdCan the sighs of a lover indicate tho size of his affection. A grateful correction. — " The proper Btudy'of mankind is women.'.'. No horse ever found a mare's-nest. That discovery can only be mado by a donkey. What part of a house Avould best suit a phrenologist for his study P-The scullery --What would eggs be it they were called <t ] ie „,, s P'' They would be eggs—aspirated. When a man has no mind of his own, he needs a woman who can give him a piece of 1 It is strange that some one did not disperse the mob iv Oiucinnattiby.proposingto take up a collection. ■ ■ . . • - "• " The young man who used to sing 1 rear . no foe " btfore.howas married, now says "I cannot sing the old songs." ~-.:■,, .• ; Father: " Knowledge, my boy, ia better than Avealth." Son: "Well, d'you know, sir, I think-'prefer the inferior article." .'!' What are clouds t"', Well, one .kind.- is when, you call to see your girl and"find that the'other fellow is inthe parlor Avith her. "What are you .writing a big hand for Pat?" "Why, you see, my grandmother is deaf, an' I'm Avriting a loud letther to her." " Don't you know it's wicked to catch fish on the Sabbath" Small boy (not haA'ing I .a bite all the morning)—-"Who's catching Small Boy: "Pa, did you know ma long I

before you married her ?" Pa: "I didn't. I didn't know her until long after I married."' ; .

" 0 yes," said old Uncle Peebles, who Avas describing a comedy he had seen, "0 yes, it was funny enough to make a donkey laugh. I laughed till I cried." Teacher—" Why are you late?" Little girl, dropping her head—"We've got a little baby at our house." " Don't you 1 let it happen again," said the teacher.

Little Flaxen Hair: "Papa, it's raining." Papa (somewhat annoyed by-work in hand): " Well, let it ■ rain." '. Little Flaxen Hair (timidly): "I was going to." A German physician . defines' the main difference between the effects : of ' whiskey and beer to he—" Visky makes you kill somebody else, mit beer you only kills yourself." ■''■ • ■■■ ;

"Is: this the front of' the Capitol ?" " No, sah ; dis heah side in front am de rear. Ef yer wants ter see the front yer must go round dar behind on de udder Side." ''■■■■

The following is a literal transcript of a sign on a Pennsylvania A'illage store': — "Tea and Taters, Sugar and Shingles, Brickdust and Lasses, Whisky,-Tar, and other Drugs." Scene—An Irish cabin. Pat is ill. Doctor has just called. " Well, Pat, have you taken the box, of pills I sent you?" "Yes, sir, be jabers I have, but I don't feel any better yet; maybe the lid hasn't come off yet!"

A young lady, Avho learning music, says she has heard that fish is a good dish for people who write stories, &c, wants to know what would be a proper dish for a person studying music. We should say a note meal diet would be excellent.

■ If a Marshaltovvn young lady is hesitating about stepping across a hole in the sidewalk, or a ditch over the street crossing all a little boy has to do to help her across is to yell "snakes." He don't exert himself in the case as a dude and a masher Avould.

The boy who doesn't leap over seven hitching posts, kick a lame dog, snatch a handful of navy beans in front of every grocery store, knock over a box or two, and Avork the handle of every pump on the sidewalk on his Avay home from school, is either lazy or does not feel well.

" I understand, professor, that you are opposed to admitting Avomen to a college course." That is my position, exactly." " Have you any objections to giving your reasons?" "None in the least; they are all embraced iv one." " What is that ?" 1 ' I married a lady with a collegiate education."

Tavo young married French ladies were talking about their husbands. Said one of them, "Do you really think your Jules went shooting yesterday?" "Well, I don't think he tried to deceive me yesterday ; I am inclined to tliink he went." "But he didn't bring back any game." "That's what makes me sure he did go !" was the wife's reply. "What did you say the rent of that double dwelling is ?" asked i house-hunter of a West Philadelphia landlord. " Eighty dollars a month for each side, the tenant to pay Avater rent and do all the repairing." "H'm; do you let both sides together for any less ?" " No, it pays me better to let each side alone." "Well, I guess it will pay me better, too," and he walked away.