FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3982, 26 April 1884, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

Coats of arms.—Sleeves. Latest things in boots.—Holes. A regular posor.—The photograjiher. Extract from Bacon.—-A siico from a ham. Tho old saying, "It never rains but it pours," scorns suggestive of a baby, Avho never has pains but it roars. " This is tho poetry of motion," said the editor, as he shied a bundle of very blank A-erso into the Avaste basket. Stanley has discovered a river in Central Africa called Kissmclonga. It cannot bo very far from, lake Nyum-nyum. Two boys quarreling—" My pa is a preacher an'Avill go to heaven." "Yes, an my pa is a doctor an' can kill your ole pa." * _ All at sea.—lt has been discovered liiat the man avlio aviis rocked in the cradle of tho deep slept his last sleep in the bed of the ocean. If you Avero puzzled how to act, why should you send instantly for a dancingmaster ?—Because he Avould show you the best steps to take. An account of East-end industries states that the "match-making" is almost Avholly in the women's hands. It is precisely the same at tho West-end. " Your father is entirely bald now, isn't he ?" said an Austin man to the son of a millionaire. "Yes," replied tho youth sadly, " I'm tho only heir he has left." " You just tako a bottle of my medicine," said a quack doctor to a consumptive, " and you'll never cough again." Is it as fatal as that?" gasped tho consumptive. Vicar—" Did you ever think Avhat you would do if you had tho Duke of Westminster's income?'' Ncav Curate —"No; but I havo sometimes Avondcred what the duke Avould do if ho had mine." Teacher: '' Define the word ' excavate.''' Scholar: "It moans to hollow out." Teacher: "Construct a sentence in which the Avord is properly used." Scholar: "Tho baby excavates Avhen it gets hurt." A "Bumper." — "What's phrenology, ma?" "Bumps on the head, my dear." " Was pa phrenological Avhen he came homo tho other morning and you Avero putting vingegar andbroAvn paper on his head, ma ?" She Avas a sweetly inexperienced young housekeeper, as ono may gather from her remark when sorno one suggested that *ho should purchase spring mattrasses. '' Yes,'' sho said, "if they are in season, we'd better havo somo." At a school at WalLsend, near Newcastle, the master asked a class of boys the meaning of the avo rd " appetite ;" nnd altera brief pause, one littlo boy said: " I know, sar ; Avhen I'm catin' I'm 'appy, and when I'm done I'm tight." A New York World reporter submitted these trifling questions to Jay Gould: " How much aro you worth ? HoAvis your money invested ? What does it cost you to live?" Strange to relate, Mr Gould sent Avord that ho aviis " not in." A grave-digger, Aval king the streets the other day, chanced to turn, and noticed two doctors Avalking behind him. He stopped till they passed, and then followed on behind them. " And Avhy this ?" said thoy. " I knoAv my placo in the procession," returned ho. Once, Avhen Edwin Forrest aviis playing "William Tell" in Boston, Sarnem, Gcssler'.s lieutenant, should have remarked " I sec you love a jest, but jest not now." Imagine Forrest's feelings Avhen that Avorthy exclaimed "I sec you love a jest, but not jest now." Law Professor : " What constitutes burglary?" Student: "There must be a breaking." Professor: "Then, if a man enters n door, and takes a sovereign from your vest-pocket in the hall, Avould that be burglary?" Student: " Yes, sir ! because that Avould break me." ''What do think of my little duck?" whispered Augustus Popinjay, directing a friend's attention, at a ball, to a very handsome young lady in low-neck and short sleeves. " She looks plump enough," aviis the reply ; but don't you think a little more dressing Avould improve hor ?'' Tho young man in South Yonkcrs avlio spent five regular-sized hours Avith his best girl ou a recent Sunday night and never offered to kiss her "red, red cheeks,", gave as an excuse that he had seen a placard on tho steps as he came in Avhich Avarned visitors to beware of the paint. Ho aviis a cautious young man.