FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3832, 27 October 1883, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

A Journalist club—tho lead pencil. To the "pooher" all things are poor. When might the funds be supposed to be unsteady ? AVhen money is tight. A wife is called a better half because a man had better half her than not half her. I>.S.—lf you don't get on to this at first you may do so half forward. * A young correspondent complains that there are "too many lawyers in the country." Oh no, my boy, there aren't too many lawyers. There aren't half enough clients.

"It is very sad," said a Scotchman, "to think on tho number of the world's greatest men who have lately been called to their last account. And the fact is," added he, with unction, " I don't feel very well myself." In addressing a school a speaker said to the boys, " Always be kind to your littlo sisters." Now, we never had a little sister, and we once tried to be kind to some other fellow's sister, but she had a cruel father, and he hurt us helping us off tho front steps. Mrs Clara Cloverly strikes her heart I gently to a little plaint begining, "There's a nameless cry in the sobbing night." AAtell, yes, frequently. You never ought to go to'bed without" having the paregoric right where you can reach it. A baby in the house is" a sure precursor to squaliy weather with occasional touches of colic. "I hate to see a woman witli rings in her ears," exclaimed tho parson, " they are not natural. If it were intended for woman to wear them, she would have been born with, holes in her ears. Tlie first woman did'nt wear rings, I'll be bound '" "No," remarked the quiet little man in the corner, " nor anything else." The discussion was adjourned without delay. In a field fronting his manse, Dr Gillespie erected a handsome sun-dial. His cows, by rubbing against it, having menaced its overthrow,' he instructed the village joiner to enclose it with a timber fence. The order was executed, and a note of the cost handed in. It ran thus: " For railing in the d'-il, 5-." "Wonderfully cheap," said the Professor ; " I'm paid considerably more for railing him in, and have not succeeded vet."

The question "Where do all the pins go ?" is again revived. A country editor confesses that it cannot be said, perhaps, where they all go, but when one's wife is away, and one is standing on one leg, grinding one's teeth and trying to pin a collar together in the absence of shirt buttons, some of them go into one's neck. A little American boy's aunt had not been quite pleasant towards him for a day or two, because he was very noisy. At tea last night he said, all at once, " I wish we lived in England." " Well, what put that into your head!--" inquired his father, with curiosity. " Because if you lived in England you couldn't marry Aunt Fanny when mother dies."

A member of the Congress from the Far AVest who was invited to a dinner at Washington is now telling his constituents all about it. "There wasn't anything on the tabic when I got there," said lie, "but some forks and spoons and bricky-brac. Presently thoy brought in some soup. As I didn't see nothin' else, I thought I'd cat all the soup I could, though soup is a mighty poor dinner to invite a feller to. So I was helped four times; and then came on the finest dinner I ever see, and there I set." groaned he, "choke-full of soup !" A Scotch farmer was greatly exercised regarding the safety of his hay crop. The weather, though often threatening, favoured his efforts till ho succeded in getting it safely gathered in, ho being in this respect more fortunate than several of his neighbours. After seeing the last wisp of straw tied round his stacks, he exclaimed, with a self-satisfied air, " Noo, sin' I ha'e gotten my hay a'safely in, I think the warld would" be grcately tho better o' a quid shower."