FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3803, 22 September 1883, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

A cold spell—l-o-o. Hijrli tied—Married up in a balloon. It doesn't take twice to lose an umbrella. It seems hardly fair to speak of an eloping couple as a pair of flees. The way to meet a man of doubtful credit is tiiko no note of him. A hoi'so-shocr is a good man to visit; he is given to horsc-pedality. Why can't you weigh eels with scales ?— Becauso eels have no scales. Education may have its advantage, _ but the man who doesn't know how to writo is euro to make his mark. Grass widows are generally the reverse ot

green. It is their custom to "make bay while the sun shines." It does not matter of what material a walking-dress is made, so long as it is not sat in. An engaged girl is the happiest when she is telling about it to another girl who is not engaged, and is not likely to bo._ A woman at New Concord •is seeking a divorce on the ground that her husband conducts family- worship throe times every day, and invariably selects passages from the Bible, condemning sinful acts, which he applies to her in presence of the children. " Johnnie, here you are at the breakfast table and your face unwashed," said his mother, with a sharp look. "I know, mamma. I saw the animalcules in pa's microscope last night, and I ain't going to have those things crawling- all over my face," One man was asked by another, with whom ho was not on the best of terms, where he had taken up his abode. " Oh," he replied, " I'm living by the canal. I should be dolighted if you would drop in some evening. An Arkansas paper tells of a St. Louis man whose feet were so largo that when ho undertook to use the forks of a country road for a boot-jack he split tho road wide open, and spoiled tho geography of the neighborhood. A butcher was invited recently to attend a concert, but positively declined, even when a free ticket was offered him. Pressed for his reason, ho replied, "if I went I should see so many people who owe me for meat that it would .spoil my fun." Tho following is recommended as a reading exercise:—"l saw five brave maids, sitting on five broad beds, braiding broad braids. I said to those fivo brave maids, sitting on five broad beds, braiding broad braids, ' Braid broad braids, bravo maids.' "

A fat gentleman who had not come out of the bath, half opens the door of his dressingroom, and in a state of bewilderment calls out, "Boy, what sort of a place is this? Some one has stolen my pants !" " Impossible, sir. This establishment is strictly honest. I will go and sec ; but there must lie some mistake." About five minutes afterwards the fat gentleman, who is still in the primitive uniform of tho Garden oi Paradise, calls the boy again, in a voice agitated by uneasiness. The boy returns, and shouts in a shrill voice, " Catrt find y our pants anywhere, sir; are you sure you had any on when you came in f'