FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3773, 18 August 1883, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

"I die content," said the fly in tho baker's dough ; " somebody will take mo for a currant.''

"AVhat," asked a schoolmaster, "is the plural of penny ! " " Twopence ! " quickly shouted the sharpest boy in the class. "Yes," said the farmer, " barbed- wire fences are expensive, but the hired man doesn't stop to rest every timo he climbs them." A sociable man is one, who, aylich ho has got ten minutes to spare, goes and bothers somebody Avho hasn't. "AVhat plan," said ono actor to another, "shall I adopt to fill the house at my benefit P" "Invite your creditors," was the reply. An inquiring man thrust his fingers into a horse's mouth to see how many teeth it had, and the horso closed its mouth to sec lioav many fingers the man hacl. The curiosity of each Avas fully satisfied. " AYe have seen women so delicate that they arc afraid to ride for fear of the horse running away—afraid to sail, for fear the boat might upset—afraid to walk", for fear that the clcav might fall—but Aye never saw one afraid to bo married ! "

" Women's rights ! " exclaimed a man Avhen the subject Avas broached. "AVhat more clo they Avaut ? My Avifc bosses mo; our daughters boss us both, and the servant girl bosses the whole family. "It's time tho men Avere alloAved some right."

"Hoav do you loiko tho new school, Mickey, me sour" "Purty avcll ; but, mother, phat makes the boys at school think I'm Oirish ? " " It's mcself doesn't know, but I've been often suspicted ay bein' Oirish, mcself, Avian divil a hint ay it they iver had from mc." A man lately made au application for insurance on a building situated in a village Avhere there Avas no fire-engine. He was asked, "AVhat are the facilities in your A'illagc for extinguishing a fire ?" " AA r cll, it rains, sometimes," he replied Avith great simplicity. A little girl sat gazing fixedly at tho new bonnet of one of her mother's visitors, until tho caller smilingly asked, " Do you like it, my dear?" The innocent child replied, "Yes I do. Mamma and Aunt Milly said it Avas a perfect fright, but ifc doscn't frighten me a bit." At a hotel a couple from the country, of Milesian extraction, took seats at the dinner table. Directly after a young couply seated themselves opposite, and tho young man took a stalk of celery from the dish and commenced eating it. The old lady opposite looked at him a moment with an air of disgust, and then nudged hor husband and said in a stage Avhisper; "See the blackguard atm the bokay .'" Landlord (to tenant)—" Good morning, sir ; fine day, sir; just called round to see if it Avould be convenient for you to settle your quarter's rent, sir." Tenant—" Did, eh r Do you know, landlord, that none of the doors in this houso Avill shut?" Landlord — "Now house, sir: new house, yon know; takes time to settle, sir." Tenant

—"Ah! then, there's a pair of us. I'm a new tenant; it takes time for me to settle, too. Good morning ; call again." A free Kirk elder and his Avifc joined the Blue Ribbon Army the other Aveek, "just to show a good example, ye ken," as the Avoman put it. John brought in a good Glenlivct and handed it to his better half to keep "for medical purposes." AAveekafter being initiated into tho mysteries of ribbouism he came home on Saturday night and told his Avife that he Avas suffering from "aAvfu' pains in tho stomach," and to "gi'e him a drap o' yon." "Oh," replied the Avife, " yon's dune twa days ago."