FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3584, 6 January 1883, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

AVhen Adolphus placed his arms around the neck of Angelina, he said it was for a neck's press purpose. A Texas editor recently died from, a spider's bite, but it's frightfully seldom, down that way, that a spider can get the start of whisky. " Honesty is.the best policy." But you have to pay the premiums in this world, and realise on your insurance in the next. The servant girl of the period is described as a young woman to whom some lady is giving board and wages while she endeavors to teach her the art of housekeeping. "A true American," says a Transatlantic contemporary, " is too proud to beg and too honest to 'steal. He gets things on tick." The idea of teaching every girl to thump a piano, and every boy to be a book-keeper, will make potatoes Odols. a bushel in twentyyears. Josh Billings reflects that if a. man is on his way to the woods to commit suicide, and a bull suddenly gives chase, the chances are that he will run for his life. " There," said Airs Dashliue, as she sealed a letter to her lover, " that isn't very bright, but it will do for him. Lovers areall alike. If you but write them they don't care a snap of the finger what you say." An English brewer, obscrverving one of his men wearing the total abstbience blue ribbon, suggested that it seemed somewhat inconsistent with his line of business. " A Veil, sir," he said, "you see. it makes folks like to tempt me, and then 1 succumbs." A miller fell asleep in his mill, and bent forward till his hair got caught in some machinery, aud almost a, handful was pulled out, of com-se awakening him. His first bewildered exclamation was :-" Hang it, wife, what's the matter now ';" Remarkable Phenomenon. —A tipsy Bostonian who was arrested while making vain efforts to clutch at a barber's pole, exclaimed as the policeman drifted him in the direction of the station house: " Strange, I never saw'r'rora borealish s'near before." At a public dinner in America, a Dutch fireman, just from Holland, was one of the company ; and during the banquet he paid so much attention to a roasted sucking pig immediately in front of his plate that he devoured the entire animal. As he finished the last morsel, unctuous and savoury, a bustling waiter asked him what he would liked to be. helped to next. '" Oh," replied the feeder. " I'll dank you for yon more of deni lettlc hoks!" Heaven Below. —" \\\ .' said an old Highland piper, sis lie was describing to his comrades at home his recent experience in Edinburg. "Ah! there was a nicht I'll ne'er forget. There were eighteen piper*, besides mysel,' a" in Airs Olass's wee back parlour in the Coogate, and we were a' playin' different tunes, an' I just thoeht I was floatin' to heaven." A frog fell into a pail of milk in a Connecticut town one night recently, and in the morning was found sitting upon a roll of fresh butter. A local ]iaper says that the sole explanation is that, in trying to extricate himself, he had, by diligent and continuous strokes of his long legs, churned the milk into butter. Two Irishmen were asleep in the attic cd a house which caught fire. One of them, in the hurry to escape, got his pantaloons on front side back and jumped in the street below. His companion, seeing him fallingall in a heap, called to him, ' AVhist, Jerry, arc ye kilt intoirely r' And Jerry gathered himself up, and discovering tin; strange adjustment of his garments aforesaid, shouted back, ' Not intoirely kilt, but upon me worrd I'm fatally thwisted.' A. bachelor too pool - to get married, yet too susceptible to let the girls alone, was riding with a lady the other day, aud accidently dumped an arm round her waist. No objection was made for a while, and the arm gradually relieved the side of the carriage of the pressure upon it. But of a sudden, the lady started with volcanic energy, and, with a flashing eye, exclaimed : ' Air 8., I can support myself ." ' Capital ." was the instant reply ; you are just the girl I have been looking for these five years. AVill you marry me'r"