VARIETIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3272, 28 December 1881, Page 3

VARIETIES.

Few people are so selfish as to keep their opinions to themselves. The short girl should not cry because she's not tall. Let her remedy tho evil by getting spliced. A Western plumber takes half a column of his local newspaper to ' Castiron Sinks.' But who ever said it didn't. A man has invented a chair that can be adjusted to 800 different positions. It is designed for a boy to sit in when he goes to church. ' How do you d efine ' black as your hat? said a schoolmaster to one of his pupils. 'Darkness that may be felt,' replied the youthful wit. ' There is no place like home,' repeated Mr Henpeck, looking at a motto, and ho heartily added, 'I am devilish glad there isn't.'

'That's a favorite stream for trout, friend,' observed a piscatorial devotee the other day to a sprig from the Emerald Isle who was whipping away at a well-known subscription pool. ' Faith, and it must be that, sure enough !' returned Pat, ' deuce a one of 'em '11 stir out of it.' When Dr Abernethy was in the height of his fame, a duke, who was a great sloven, consulted him about an ailment, saying : ' I have tried everything for it, Doctor, but without avail.' ' Well,' responded the merciless old wit, c your grace's only chance is to try a clean shirt.' A mercenary little boy overheard a conversation between his parents concerning a wedding that was soon to come off, and recalled the subject at the breakfast tabic tho next morning by asking the following question : ' Papa, what do they want to give the bride away for ? Can't they sell her ?' ' Yes,' said a witness, ' I do remember the defendant's mother crying on the occasion referred to. She was weeping with her left cve —the only one she has —and the tears were running .down her right cheek.' ' What,' exclaimed the judge—' how could that be ?' ' Please your honor,' said the witness, ' she was awful crooked-eyed.' Scene : A try sting place. _ Roger, who has been kept waiting some time : ' What's come ower ye ? Dae ye ken ye've kept me waiting mair nor half an hour ?' Peggy, whom he has courted for over eight years : ' Weel, I couldna help it.' After a patise— ' Look at the time ye've kept me waiting, and ye never heard me compleening. It was at breakfast, wrestling with _ a piece of remarkably tough veal. His wife said to him: 'You always say there's something to be thankful for in everything. I guess you'd be puzzled to be thankful for in that veal.' ' Not at all,' he cheerfully responded, stopping to breathe: ' I was just thinking how grateful we should be that we met it when it was young.' ' Doctor,' said one of the best young men in Boston society. ' there is something the matter with my brain; I know there is. What shall Ido about it ?' And the doctor calmly but firmly said he guessed it needed a little exercise about as much as anything else. And now the best young man goes around saying the doctor is a fool. Mdlle. Ozy, an actress, received one day the following original declaration : ' Mademosielle,|l am only a poor worker, but I love you like a millionaire. While waiting to become one, I send you this simple bunch of violets. If my letter gives you a wish to know me and to answer to the sentiments of my soul, when you are on the stage to-night lift your eyes to the cock-loft; my legs will hang over.' A dull-looking young man, accustomed to travelling, entered the cabin of one our best steamers, and mistaking a small mirror for a doorway, thus addressed the reflection, thinking it was a stranger, 'Say, mister, when does this boat start ?' Not receiving any answer, although he repeated his inquiry two or three times, he yelled out, ' Go to thunder, you flat nosed, shock-headed fool! You don't know anything anyhow !' The wife of an ex-Minister and new peer, who married before he rose in the social scale, was one night sitting at dinner next to a light of the Board of Trade, as celebrated for his genial humour as for his knowledge of railway management. Quoth the lady : ' When I first began to go out in London society, I was so dreadfully bored.' Q.uoth the gentleman : ' And now you are amply revenging yourself.