JEEMS KAYE AND THE DEPUTATION.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3195, 24 September 1881, Page 1 (Supplement)

JEEMS KAYE AND THE DEPUTATION.

The ither nicht, while Betty wis darnin stockin's at tne tae side o' the fire, an , auld Mr M'Cunn an' Mr Pinkerton an' me were sittin' at the t'ither side, wi , the wee table atween us, playin' at the cards for a bawbee the gemm, a ring caai tao the door, an' Betty says, ' Bless me, wha's this ?' ' I hope,' I interjected, ' it's no the minister, an' us gembling awa' oor hard-earned siller; we wid never hear the end o't;' an' turnin' towards Mr Pinkerton, * Slip a wheen o' thae cards intae your pouch, , I says tae him, an' then I gathered up the siller —it's as weel aye tae look tae the maist valuable elements. Jist at this meenit Betty ushered in twa weel-dressed men wi' bits o' passbooks in their haun. Thinks I, as they entered, ' What's up noo ? are they selling gas-burners, or the ' Pilgrim's Progress' at a shilling the pairt in fifty numbers, or am I tae be summoned ? or what ?'

c Sifc doon, gentlemen, , I says, ' sifc doon. Alloo me tae put your bat on the dresser! A freen o' mine—Mr M'Cunn,' an' I waved my haun gracefully o'er Mr M.'Cunn's bald head as an introduction, ' an' this gentleman wi' the midden leg ia anither freen —Mr Pinkerfcon.'

The principal stranger nodded, an , says, ' Mr Kaye, I believe ?'

' At your service,' I replied,

'We called, Mr Kaye, with reference to the vacancy in the representation of Eenfrevvshire.'

' Oh aye,' I says, ' for my vote nae doot.' ' Not at all, Mr Kaye, we want you to become a candidate.' ' A wba —at!'

• A candidate, Mr Kaye. You are aware that hitherto this thriving village of Strathbungo has had little or no say in electing a member, and we want to remedy that. Our last member hailed from Neilsfcon, the one before from Renfrew, and another from Inverkip, all very worthy men, as you know, but totally unacquainted with the wants and wishes of Strathbungo. ,

' Very awkward,' I put in at this point,

' Very awkward, indeed,' he rejoined; ' why, would you believe it, when anybody belonging to Strathbungo applied for help to get in the Customs or Excise or such-like, they had no definite idea where Strathbungo was. One, indeed, remarked, ' Strathbungo, it's in Lanarkshire j' and another stroked his chin and said, ' Let me see; Strathbungo ! Strathbungo! isn't that away by Kirkcaldy ?' Now we want to remedy this, and get a Strathbungo man in. Time about is fair play.' ' Weel, Wed,' I says, ' I <Joot it's a' true what ye say ; but megsty me! —let me see —M.P.—man, it's jist raither much —I'm no' equal tae't, either in purse, speech, or position! Dod, I don't know but what I micht be as quid's plenty that's in already, thongh. Gtantlemen, I must alloo ye have surprised me—ta'en me ower qnick. I wis thinkin' o' puttin' in for the Provostthip, like ma freen Mr Broone, when Stra'bungo wis made a burgh tae be equal wi' its neebors. That wid be jisfc in ma line, ye see ; for if a fire broke oot I could rin wi' the reel, or if a watter pipe burst I could superintend the plumbers, besides bein' aye on the spot tae see nae breach, o' the peace took place j but M.P. wid tak' me awa frae ma business, an' the laddie wid ruin me wi , the quid wecht he wid gi'e. Man, I doot it's no' practicable. Let me think a wee, tho'. Indeed, gentlemen, jist sifc doon an' tak' a bit thimblefu , till I cast it ower in ma mind.'

So I turned my back tee them, an' flxin' my e'e on the broken haun o' the echt-day clock, I thocht: ' James Kaye, Esq., M.P. for Stra'bungo !' or wid it be ' James Kaye, M.P. for Renfrewshire, Esq.!!' an' then 1 could ha'e on my accounts. ' Bought of James Kaye, M.P., 2 hunerwecht o' beet Wishaw at Bd.' Dod, I could put anither penny on the hunerwecht easy. An' when I wis comin' harue for the vacation, an' gaun oot on the tap o' the car, the crood that wid gether tae meeb me ! an' the hurrahin'! An' then it wid be in the papers, ' The Honorable James Kaye, Esq., M.P., took a drive tae the Shaws yesterday!' ' The Honorable gentleman, we regret tae say, sprained his thoom on Monday, while superintending in his extensive premises, an' we understand .her Majesty has desired tae be intormed by telegraph if ony change takes place.' 'We grieve tae inform oor numerous readers that the Eight Honorable Mrs James Kaye, Esq., M.P., has the influenza, but the latest bulletins are favorable ; her honorable husband, oor much respected an' universally beloved M.P. is in constant attendance.' Losh, a Provost wid be naethin , tae't. I'll , —but here an awfu' stramash took place, an' when I turned roon there wis Mr M'Cunn an , Mr Pinkerton an' the twa strangers an' the table an , glesses a' in a humpluck on the floor, an' them tearin' each ither like mad, while Bettw wis up on the dresser flourishin' the darnin' needle. I wis pei'fectly dumfoundered, but bavin' tent Mr M'Cunn an' Mr Pinker ton for inony years, I thocht they couldna' be tae blame, whatever the strangers micht be, so I got a jugfu' o' water, an' poured the hauf o't doon the neck o' the tane, an' the balance doon the neck o' the tither, an's that sobered them a wee, an' then ano by ane they a' got up gey disjaskit-like ; Mr M'Cunn wi' a clour on the brig o' hia nose, an' Mr Pinkerton wi' ane o' his coat tails torn awa an' the virl afi his wudden leg ; as for the strangers, they were mair drooned that hurt.

As they rose tae their feet, I says, sternly. ' What dis a' this mean, gentlemen ?' a' this rippif. in a Member o' Parliament's house ? Ay, adswer me!'

i hen Mr JVl'Cunn explained that he had noticed ane o' the deputation reaching ower

his haun tae lift my watch that wis on the mantelpiece, an' on his interfering the ither yin struck in, an' so the stramash began. I turned roon at this tae grip the twa fellows, but they made a bung oot o' the door, an' I after them, an' I daursay I micht hae grippet at least ane o' them, but as Mr Pinkerton had his wudden leg sticking oet trying tae screw on the vril I trippifc across't, an' gaed heids ower heels oot on the stair-head. I could dae naething, therefore, but gather mysel' up an' come in again, so, after puttin , vinegar on Mr M'Cunn's nose, and sci-owin' on Mr Piukerton's virl, we drew intae the fire, an' each mixing a gless o' toddy, condoled wi' ane anither on the wickedness o' the worl', an , hoo we had been fairly humbugged by twa scoonrels.—Jeems Kaye, in the Bailie.