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Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3032, 15 March 1881, Page 4

" I have left all my fortune to my wife," said the philosophic spouse of a Xantippe, " on condition that she shall marry again." "What is that for?" a=ked his legal adviser. I wish to be sure that some one will regret my death when I am gone," said the husband.

" My friends," said the political speaker, with a burst of ingenuous eloquence, " I will be honest—" There was a large number of his neighbors present, and the terrific burst of applause which followed this remark entirely upset the point which the orator was about to introduce.

A scd-looking man went into a drug store. ' Can you give me,' he asked, ' something that will drive from my mind the thoughts of sorrow and bitter recollections ?' And the druggist nodded, and put him up a little dose of quinine, and wormwood, and rhubarb, and epsom salts, and a dish of castor oil, and gave it to him ; and for six months tho man couldu'i. Lliink of anything in the world except new schemes for [getting the taste out of his mouth.

A certain Dublin coal merchant who must, owing to the present unfortunate condition of the libel laws, remain unknown, threatened to dismiss one of his coal-dray drivers on the ground of stupidity and perfect inability to learn even the slight routine duties of his post. 'The coalquay boy protested that he had learned much, and when challenged to display his knowledge, replied—'Sure, I have learnt that IBcwfc. makes a ton, bedad !' He kept his place, and got an increase of pay. 'Done Brown.'—Scene—Coffee-room of hotel in Helensburgh. Brown, a 'great swell,' while waiting on a brother commercial to play a game at billiards, is describing to a number of tourists how many brace of grouse he had recently brought clown in one day, hinting at the same time that he is just on his way home from his shooting box. Enter waiter—' Somebody wishing to see you, sir.' Brown —expecting his friend : 'Haw, just send him up, will you?' Waiter : ' All right, sir.' The man ushers in a barefooted urchin. Urchin, rather audibly : ' Mister Brown ma mither sent me tae tell ye that yer no, tae mm' the three dizzen o' dolls she ordered, but tae sen' instead a dizzen o' jumpin' jacks an 1 twa dizzen o' cocks wi' whussuls in their tails' Brown faints.—Bailie.

Court Jaubert was wonderfully happy at repartee, and in his sallies was utterly indifferent as to whether it was a friend or an enemy who suffered. If however he hapdened to compromise himself, he had a happy nack of setting himself right in a moment. On one occasion, having been highly pleased with Marshall Soult, he made the illustrious soldier the but of innumerable epigrams. The Marshall, heaving of this at one of Louis-Philippe's receptions, turned his back upon the Count just as he was stepping forward to salute him, some thirty gentlemen being present. ' Monsieur le Marshall,' said Count Jaubert, with the utmost saag-froid, ' I have been told you do not look upon me as one of your friends. I'm delighted to flud that there is no ground for the rumour.' ' How so, monsieur?' 'Because,' replied the Count, ' you are not in the habit of turning your back to the enemy.' The Marshall, it is perhaps needless to say, at once held out his hand to Count Jaubert.

How He Secured a Dinner, —It is an awkward thing sometimes to be absentminded. A certain noble lord, it is stated, found this out to his cost the other day. It so chanced that the dining-room of the club which he frequents was quite full, when a man who knows his failings pretty well happened to come in very hungry. Of course the waiter said there was no room at present. Suddenly the new-comer espied Lord X. Said he to the waiter,' Has Lord X, dined ?' 'No' sir' 'Well, never mind— take him his bill, and tell him he has had hia dinner.' The waitev hesitated for a moment but complied, and handed Lord X. his bill. Quoth Lord X,' What is this for ?' ' Your dinner, my lord,' replied the waiter. 'My dinner.!' said the forgetful one. ' Have I really had it ? ' Yes, my lord,' said tlio waiter, ' Dear me,' was the reply, ' I thought I was just going to have it; but I must have made a mistake ;' and he got up and went out, leaving the table for the use of the genius -who had profited by his absent-mindenness.