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Daily Telegraph (Napier), 10 March 1881, Page 4

" What do you know about the cuckoo ?' asked a school teacher of little Johnny. " Nuffin, 'cept he don't lay his eggs himself."

"I say," cried a fashionable youth to an old usurer, " the ready is needful." "Yes," cried the other, " but the needful isn't ready."

Gum arabic dissolved in whisky will keep the hair curled in damp weather —Exchange, A little sugar dissolved in it has the same effect on the legs.—John B. Gough.

He said, " Will you excuse me, sir ?" and the gentlemen addressed excused him. He continued, " I am not in the habit of begging.'' And the gentleman said "he was glad to hear it," and walked off.

An Illinois paper brags that in the West 100,000 women are working agriculturally in the fields. Well, it i.i the same way here. Half of our energetic feminine population are engaged in the pursuit of husbandry.

" What's wrong between you and Smythe, that you don't speak ?" "ilaw! Fact is, Aye were both wivals for the hand of the same young lady —a celebwated beauty, you know ! —and—well, I don't want to bwag, but I got the best of it. Poor Smythe !" "My dear fellow, a thousand congratulations !" "Thanks awf'ly !We both proposed last week, you know, and she accepted—a—him !"

Board schoolmaster (desiring to explain the word " conceited," which had occurred in the course of tho reading lesson) : "Now, boys, suppose that I was always boasting of my _ learning—that I knew a good deal o' Latin, for instance, or that my personal appearance was—that I was very good looking y' know—what should you say I was?" Straightforward boy (who had " caught the speaker's eye ") : I sh' say you v/as a liar, s'."

An exchange says: —"One of the best modes of taking down an overdressed young dandy on the platform of a street car is to offer him your fare, as if you took him for the conductor. Conductors are very respectable men, but, like editors, they frequently wear their last year's clothes." We heard of this being tried once, says the New York Herald. The dandy gratefully accepted his six cents, paid his own fare with it when the conductor came along, and smiled significantly as he saw the giver paying his over again.

A lady of Holyoke, Mass., has built a house out of money she has made by selling her husband liquor. He drinks regularly, and she bargained with him that if he would drink he should buy all his liquor of her. Thus she got all the profit instead of the saloon-keepers. But wo would risk something on it that she hasn't let her procedure become known to the internal revenue officer of the neighbourhood, for she is liable to be arrested for selling liquor without a license, and thus violating a United States law.