DIVERSIONS

Dominion, Volume 32, Issue 148, 18 March 1939, Page 6 (Supplement)

DIVERSIONS

Do you take your tea very strong?” No, 1 weaken it down with rum.”

The sergeant-major was taking the recruits’ parade. "Fasten that tunic button, you,” he bellowed. “None of that strip-tease stuff here.”

"Iceland,” said the teacher, “is about as large.as Siam.” “Iceland,” wrote Willie afterwards, "is about as big as teacher.”

At a gathering of bishops, a waiter tripped when serving soup and spilt the contents all over one of the divines. The victim jumped up, stuttered, went red, and finally blurted out, “Will someone not in Holy Orders please say something appropriate?”

A young woman who went to ail American university to take her degree of doctor of philosophy married her professor in the middle of the seeon'd year. When she announced her engagement, one of her friends said: “But, Margaret, I thought you came up here to get your Ph.D.?” "So I did,” agreed Margaret, “but I bad no idea I would get him so soon.”

Mrs. Subub, having lost the key of the kitchen clock, went with her husband to get another. Mr. Subub waited across the road while his wife went into the jeweller’s. Presently she came out. "Got it?” asked Mr. Subub. “No,” said his wife. "Why not?” “Well. Mrs. Swagger was in there buying pearls, so I couldn’t ask for a key for the kitchen clock.’’ "What 'did you do, then?” “Oli, I just inquired bow long it would lake to clean a diamond tiara." A very precise old lady was going away for a holiday. “My man,” she said ’ to a porter, "Where do I get the train to Buudoran?”

"Your train is on platform No. 7,” she was informed.

••■Why do you say 'your train’ when it belongs to the railway company?” "Why do you say ‘my man,’ when you know I belong to my wife?”

Two men got a job to clean some very high windows.

"Mike,” said Tom, "get a plank and put it through the window. I’ll sit on Hie plank inside, and you sit outside.”

All went well until Mike cried out: “I’ve let my, window leather fall!” "All right,” replied Tom. ’’Stop where yon are; I'll get: it.” Away went Tom down the stairs. On reaching the street: he exclaimed: "Be jabbers, Mike, you’re here first! AVhich way did you come?”

Dad: “So you tried out our new car today. How is it?” Daughter: "In first crash condition.’

Driver of antiquated ear: "I’m afraid it jolts a bit. I hope you don’t mind." Friend: "Not at all; 1 look some medicine this morning and forgot to shake the bottle.”

Bilkius: ”1 married a girl I met by chance on a bus, but I’ve regretted it ever since.” Bilksou: "Well, you know, people are fully warned not to get off while the vehicle is in motion.”

“Caesar was a Roman admiral who landed in Britain about 54 8.C., but he had a tough struggle, and was not until A.D. 45 that he really made peace. Caesar was warned to beware of the Ideas of March.” “Disraeli was the first British statesman to become a film star.” “The Royal Mint is used by the King at meals.”

“Matterhorn was a horn blown by the ancients when anything' was the matter.”

The professor of geology had placed some specimens of rocks on his desk and was about to describe them to his pupils. While his back was turned for a moment, one of the students placed a piece of very stale bread among the rocks. The professor went through the specimens, saying, as he picked up each: “This is a piece of sandstone; this is a piece of granite.” Eventually he came to the piece of bread. “And this,” he said, holding it up, "is a Piece of confounded impudence.”

The taxidermist, on absent-minded man, was waiting news of an important event. After he had been waiting .some hours, and was doing a little work to lake his mind off things, the nurse entered the room.

“Congratulations!” she said. "The stork has arrived!”

“Well, don’t stand there,” replied the taxidermist. “Bring him in and I’ll stuff him.”

A woman who was shopping at a large drapery establishment evinced a genius for "quick finance.” The customer was considering the purchase of two yards of silk, which the assistant informed her would cost her seven shillings. Her purchase left a remnant of a yard and a half, which remnant the salesman suggested she should take.

“What will it cost?” demanded the woman.

“You can have it for four-and-six-pence, madam,” replied the assistant.

"Then I’ll take it,” responded the shopper, promptly, “and you may keep the other two yards. A yard and a half will be enough.”