A RING ON THE 'PHONE

Dominion, Volume 10, Issue 3061, 24 April 1917, Page 5

A RING ON THE 'PHONE

AT--THE. BATTLE FRONT THE BABEL OF- THE FIELD TELEPHONE If you'.-nay© criticised the telephone service;in your town, spend a day 'at the front in Europe, and sco what realtrouble is. Wo are assured by lan Hay, the novelist-soldier quoted before in those columns, that hardly any. greater test of \a man's control over himself and his temper exists than that same field-telephone. On it the whole campaign depends, but. after reading his plaintive story of its vagaries we can only wonder how any fighting gets dono at all. Here at home conversing over the telephone is a fairly simple matter., l'ou givo your number . to Central, wait five or ton minutes, are told that. "Wire's busy," or "They don't answer," or "The line is out of order," and then you hang up your receiver _ and walk over to the place with which you wished to communicate, and that's the end of the matter. But at the front, as he explains, feelingly, "if you put your ear .to the receiver of ; a, field-telephone, you find yourself, as it were, suddenly thrust into a vast subterranean cavern filled with the waitings of the lost, the babblings of the leeble-minded, and the profanity of the exasperated." The noises are of two kinds: one is the human,voice, many times repeated, in varying tones and modulations, and the other is a mechanical sound due to "buzzing"— telegraphing over the telephone-wire when it is impossible otherwise to make yourself understood—a sound that reminds the writer of "a giant mosquito singing to its. young." . Hero is a list of the -various things that one- may hear over the wire, as he presents them in '' 'Blackwood's Magazine":— (1) A Regimental Headquarters endeavouring to ring up its brigade. _(2) A glee party of Harmonious Blacksmiths indulging in the "Anvil Chorus."

I (3) A choleric adjutant on the track of a peccant company commander. / (4) Two company signallers engaged in a friendly chat from different ends of the trench-line. ''..'■'

(5) :A tt artillery F. 0.0. (Forward Observing 'Officer)'enndeavouring to convey pressing and momentous informaioir to :his battery two miles in rear.

"(6) The Giant Mosquito aforesaid. The-consolidated result) he assureb MB, is usually/something like the following. It may he explained that "Beer" is telephonese for "B," that "Don" means "D," arid so on. As wo read: ■ \ ' '.' .

Regimental Headquarters (affably): Hallo, Brigade 1 Hallo, Brigade! Hallo, Brigade!

The Mosquito: Ping! The Adjutant (from somewhere in the support lino, fiercely): Give me B Company! The Forward Observing Officer (from his eery): Is that 0 Battery? There's an'onemy working party; : First Chatty Signaller (from B Company's station): Is that yoursel', Jook?, How's a' wi' you? [Second Chatty Signaller (from D Company's station): Fm daen fine! How's your-—• .'-•-- Regimental Headquarters:, Hallo, Brigade!. Tie Adjutant: Is that B Company? A Mysterious and Distant ,- Voice (politely): No, sir; this is Akk and Esses Aitch.

; The Adjutant (furiously): Then for the lord's sake get off the line! ; The Mosquito: Pingr Ping!. The Adjutant: And stop that ■ — -—buzzing! . \ ,':,Th6 Mosquito: Ping! Ping! Ping! .The F. 0.0.: Ig that C Battery? .There'sr-TT-'. ... ". ■ ■

First Chatty. Signaller (peevishly): /What's' that you're sayin.' ? • The F. 0.0. (perseveringly): Is that 0 Battery? There's an enemy working party in a coppice "at —— First Chatty Signaller: This is Beer Company," sir. Weel, Jock, did ye get a- quiet nichtP . Second Chatty Signaller: Oh, ay. There was a wee The F. 0.0.: Is that C Battery? . , Second Chatty Signaller: No, sir. This is Don-Company. Weel, Jimmy, there was a couple whish-bangs oame intil- •..'.. Regimental Headquarters: Hallo,-Bri-gade! . A Cheerful Cockney Voice: Well, my lad,-what abaht it? /Hegimental Headquarters (getting to .-work-at once). /Hold the line Brigade. Message to Staff Captain. "Ref. your S.C.fourr stroke seeven eight six, the worrking-parrty in .question " The F. 0.0. (seeing a gleam' of ,hopp): Working-party? Is that C Battery ?. I want to speak to -The Adjutant, Brigade Headquarters, Regimental Headquarters: Get off the .lme!' ■'.'••,•.:■'.'. -First Chatty Signaller: Haw, Jock, was ye hearin'. aboot Andra? • Second Chatty Signaller: No. Whit was that? First Chatty Signaller: The F. 0.0. (doggedly): Is that C Battery? '; ■ . Regimental Headquarters, (resolutely): "The worrking-parrty in question was duly detailed for tae proceed to the reridissvowso at'-' .The Adjutant: Is that B Company,, curse you? Regimental Headquarters (quite impervious to this sort of thing): —"the rcndiss yowse, at seeven thirrty akk omma,. at. point H two B eight nine, near the crossroads by the Estamint Reposo dee Bicyclistees, for tae'.'— honk! horkle! honk!-

Brigade Headquarters (compassionately): You're makin' a 'orrible mess of this message, ain't you? Shake your do! Regimental Headquarters (after dutifully performing this operation): Honklc, honkle, honk.. Yang! Brigade Headquarters: Buzz it, my lad, buzz .It"!

Regimental Headquarters (dutifully): Ping, ping! Ping, ping! Ping, ping, ping! Ping ,

General Chorus: Stop that ——, -—, , buzzing! First Chatty Signaller: Wcel, Andra says tae tlio Sergeant-Major of' Beer Company, says he » The Adjutant: Is that B Company? First Chatty Signaller: No, sif; this is Beer Company. Tho Adjutant ((fortissimo): I'Miaid Boer Company. First Chatty Signaller: Oh! I thocht ye meant Don Company, sir. The. Adjutant: Why the Wanes haven't you- answered me 60oncr? First Chatty Signaller (tactfully): There was other messages comin' through, sir. ; '. Tho Adjutant: AVell, get me .tho Company Comroaudor. - First Chatty Signallor: Varra good, sirr. .' ' A pause. Regimental Headquarters being engaged in labouriously "buzzing" its message through to the Brigade, all other-conversation is at a standstill. The Harmonious " Blacksmiths seize the opportunity to give a short selection. Presently, as the din dies down The F. 0.0. (faint, yet pursuing): Is that C Battery?. A Jovial Voice: Yes. The- F. 0.0.: What a shock! I thought you were all dead. Is that yon, Chumps? The Jovial Voice: It is. What can I do for you this morning? The F. 0.0.: You can boil your signal-sentry's head! Tho Jovial Voice: .What for?,.

Tho F. 0.0.: For keeping nio waiting. . ' . • " . The Jovial Voice: Itightol And the next article?

Tho F. 0.0.: There's a Boche.work-ing-party in-a coppice two hundred yards west of a point: The Mosquito (with renewed vigour): Ping, ping I The F. 0.0. (savagely): Shut up! The Jovial Voice: Working-partyf I'll settle them. What's the mapreference?

The; F. 0.0.: They are in Square number The Harmonious Blacksmiths (suddenly and stunningly): Whang! The F. 0.0.: Shut up! They are in Square First Chatty Signaller: Hallo, Headquarters I .Is the Adjutant thereP Here's the Captain tae speak with him. An Eager' Voice: Is that tho Adjutant? Regimental Headquarters: No, sirr. He's away tae his office. Hold the line while I'll The Eager Voice: No, you don't! Put mo straight through to C Battery—quick! Then get off the line, and stav. there! (Much buzzing.). Is that C Battery? The Jovial Voice: Yes, sir. The Eager Voice: I am 0.C., Beer -Company. They are shelling my front parapet, at L 8, with _ pretty heavy stuff. I war.t retaliation, please. The Jovial Voice: Very good, sir. (The voice dies away.) A Sound over our Heads (thirty minutes later). Whish! Whish! Whish! Second Chatty Signaller: Did ye hear that, Jimmy? First Chatty Signa'ler (with relish): Mphm! That'll sorrt them! The F. 0.0.: Is that C Battery? The Jovial Voice: Yes. What luck, old son ? 'The F. 0.0.: You have obtained two direct hits on the Boche parapet! Will you lave a coconut or a ci ; '■ The Jovial Voice: A little less lip, mv lad." Now tell mo all about your industrious friends in the coppice, and we will see what we can do for them I