THE CHANGING SCENE

Dominion, Volume 6, Issue 1694, 10 March 1913, Page 6

THE CHANGING SCENE

[By M.C.K.]

A BIRD'S EYE VIEW. \ .

"Tout passe, ray old," said the intelligent foreigner, "tout casse, tout lasse. Lite is an illusion entire—nothing of reality anywhere! One begins to doubt the. law of gravity; one suspects the Equator. Oh,'no, I am not thinking of Sir Bart, but of the German Emperor."

"And. his cows and cream?" said the native. ."Serves him right. What does lie want to boast about 'em for? Let him stick to politics." .

"But, dear mister, is there any Kaiser? Ono ridicules him in Germany, as says the elcctric telegraph copyright. One denies that his cows and cream are the most marvellous that one has not seen. It is the commencement, by blue, of the great exposure of the Kaiser, myth. Immediately the papers will say his moustache is false, that his operas arc so bad, that he knows nothing of the ntjvy, that he cannot ride a liorse, that his' speeches are but rubbish. Bless it ali, my eld, they will soon have destroyed him, and exposed him as the figment of the press agents. "What horrible idea!"

"Cheer up, Hippolyte,". said the nitire. "Even if the Kaiser becomes an exploded rumour, and turns out to be nn ordinary chap—there's lots of things left in this world."

"Thank you, my old. But where am I? What can I trust? Once, Sir Bart insisted that without him the grass would not grow, that tlio clocks would stop, that the wild rabbit would build in the ruined Lambton Quay. He was misinformed, my old. One hag evicted him, arid yet, by blue, you can buy a hat on Lambton .Quay. One still sees " money at times. And Sir Bart declare, and his friends say also, that ho is the pillar of Empire. 'Remove Sir Bart,' they say, 'and, boum, the Empire collapse.' But he is removed, and the Empire still remain. "No, my old,' all the heroes are mytl)s. All is a myth. Name of a name, I suspect the Equator. Tout lasse! tout casse! tout passe! All, my old, all. Except the cocktail. Forward to the cocktail, before it. too, is but a legend, dear mister, March."

According to the Hon. F. M. B. Fisher, those people were mistaken-who imagined "that no sooner would tho Massey party be in power than miracles would happen." That Mr. Fisher should have had the assurance to say that, with miracles happening a sort of submiracle itself. In the good old prebaronetcy days Ministers could, and did, attend to the business of government without provoking the universe into going wrong. But nowadays it is all the other way. \ Tho Balkan war would not have occurred in the old days, or, if it had occurred, it would have been caused by. Turkey or something. But the Opposition papers have shown that it was the direct outcome of Mr. Massey's gross, incompetence and inborn hostility to human beings.' That certainly strikes me as being a miracle. AVhen bad weather, or suicides, or diphtheria epidemics took place in th<) old days (and,.mind you, it is doubtful if they ever did) jthey were due to natural causes; they were not miracles. But now they are due to Mr. Massey's confirmed criminality, and are produced directly by his speeches. Then tennis. Of all people, Mr. Fisher ought to know that formerly Ministers might liavo played tennis without old "age pensions and the price of goloshes. Whereas, nov— Mr. Fisher's racquet is a menace to society, The Opposition press can hardly keep'up with the task of recording the terrible things that keep on happening. And, most striking miracle of all, nobody ' cares what the Opposition press says (excepting those people whose hobby it is to collect rare and curious specimens of strong language). Before the Massey regime, the opposite was the case.

During last week Mr. D. M'Laren, the Mayor, explained that in 'his treatment of, the public he made no .distinction amongst persons—an interesting footnote, and a not superfluous one, to his other statement that he had shown society (the one with the capital S, the one he despises) that he is a perfect v gentleman. Personally, one would congratulate Mr. M'Laren, and let it go at that. But Bill; the working man who belongs here, insists on having his say on the subject: W'ich, DavcC yer har a gentleman; but, Dave,-remember, please, . We still 'ave votes, an' notions too, us blokes in dungarees. We 'lected yer ter. batter in proud Hamming's shiny tile. An' 'ere yer bin a etudyfn' the fashionable style, An' a teachin' etiquette Ter, the 'igh an' lofty set W'ich, we learn, as bin a-chasiri' ov yer, David, all the w'ile. Oh, yus, yer har a gentleman; an' I fer one admit As Hamming 'as, from meetin' yer, learned i quite a tidy bit. I admits as 'ow yer knock 'em—yes. the only word is knock— W'y, I've ofting. 'eard 'em talkin' aa I watched 'em on the block. : ,1 'ave seen 'is Ex. be'ave Just percisely like yer, Dave, An" proud 'e was ter do It, but It give me quite a shock. Yw'tS gone an' bin a gentleman; fun' 'ow me 'eart fs eore. I alius sorter fearedl it. an' I warned yer once afore. Proud Hamming smiled so pleasant like, ' an' w'en they passed yor tea, They seemed quite fascinated, and they smiled allurin'ly; Ob ! they SO admired yer. manner— But I'll bet yer, Dave, a tanner. They ■ were only slily eeekin' fer ter turn yer 'eart from me. Oh, Dave, yer har a gentleman; I freely grant. yer that. Hamming staggered at the hairy grace with w'ich yer raised yer 'at. Am' Hamming's minions struggled fer yer maxims find • an' nice, An' ter get a extra lesson they would pay. yer any price. But yer didn't mind the name; Simply treated all the same From Albert flnoggs, of Brooklyn, up to old SCr Jimmy Bryce. But, Dave, you pufiick gentleman (yer says' yerself yer har), Wot about tho war a-oomin' and the mutterin'a from afar? One-time comrld, . yer've ' betrayed us. ■ -W'ich, 'a Trucker, I resent Ter 'ighly polished manraora an' yer 'anky soaked in scent. Them 'opes I 'ad—oh, Davol I'm a-weepine on their grave: Yer think that yer not 1 honly har, but BOAST yer har. a gent. As to .straws, now—one of the Opposition newspapers in the South concludes one of its articles thus: "We do not suggest it is corruption—under other circumstances our Reform friends might label it in that a straw that'shows which wny tho wind fashion—but perhaps wc may liken it to blows,/ And even that leaves us a little vague ns to the policy of our anti-Reform friends. Translating a. Sydney cable message recording some of : the violence that accompanicd the Sydney gas strike, the evening paper on Saturday said of the Technical College students:, that "at first the youths wera merely booted." You win imagin#

tho feelings of the man who, having called to make an assault upon tho sub-editors on account of their treatment of his "local," arrived just in time to hear this: First Sub-editor: Say, this cable says the youths were booted. Such a,trivial thing —I ought to cut it out. What? Second Sub-editor: Oh, 110. Put in a "merely." Make it "merely booted." "Ye haven't seen annywan lookin' Time with an illuminated addhress,, have you, Hennessy?' asked Mr. Doolcy. '"I have not," said Mr. Hennessy. "Why?'-' "Ye sliud read th' paper. Me frind Joe, whose magnificent pathritism has raised him fr'm th' ranks has give another signal example iv his nobleness. lie did not rush roun' London l-ingin' a Jjell ihi' tellin' iverywan that New Zealand wuz a roon an' that th' bailiffs had got in an' nailed everything-1' th' floor." "Who expiefcd him to?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "This is what we pitchered to ourselves. Joe climbs on t' th' top iv Nelson's column, an' says: 'Hoys, beware iv .Tim Allen,' he says. 'Jf annywan with a tough-looking face stops ye an' asks f'r half-a-crown f'r New Zealan', call a policeman at wanst,' be says, 'f'r he's thryin' t' raise money/f'r a busted community, a community that I suddenly discovered was busted last July. Ontil then I had thought twuz sound,' lie saj-s, 'nn' I said so, but I now reelise,' says he, 'that a long ayra of bad management' has metl it 110 more worthy iv yere confidence than Spitzbergen is.' But no. This noble soul, who will go down t' histhry, if his frinds keep it up, as th' discoverer iv th' South Pole—he did nawthin' like that. He refrained' fr'm disguisin' himself an' callin' secretly 011 Cohen f warm him that Jim Allen wuz the original confidence-thrick man. He did not write t' th' papers mentionin' th' public debt an' condemmin' our counthry. There's a hero f'r ye,'Jawn. An' he is bein' overwhelmed with praise f'r liavin' abstained fr'm such actions, an' f'r havin' neglected t' commit bigamy."

"These here squatters' orrgans is capable iiv annythin'," said Mr. .Hennessy. "But that's th' toughest insult they've handed out yet. Why can't they lave th' poor man alone?" '

"Well, Jawn, I'd have said that if it hadn't been that it's th' Warrdite papers that said it. Is Joe obliged t' thim? y' ask. Well, Jawn, wud I be? Wud I blush with pleasure or wild I commit assault if a frind, Hogan, say, publicly congratulated me on liavin' repressed me impulse t' hit Mrs. Dooley with a bootjack?" *