THE CHANGING SCENE.

Dominion, Volume 5, Issue 1277, 4 November 1911, Page 6

THE CHANGING SCENE.

A BIRD'S-EYE VIEW. (Bi M.C.K.) "But this is terrible," said the intelligent foreigner. "What to do? Figure you—strike out the top lino and there is a more great mortality. Strike out tho bottom line and the infants will be doomed. What to do, my old?" "Oh, they're only ads.," said tho friendly citizen. "Who doubts? But tho ad—What is it that he is? Life is nothing hut an ad. all at bottom. Nothing of moro betise than-to mock at tho ad. Regard! I open the paper and find there a lump ot numerals, of which the lesson is that where one vends not tho demondrink there is great scarcity of horse-thiefs. Clutha—not one bigamist there! Invercargill—one finds there not one conviction for mutiny on the high sea! At the contrary, here is Wellington—what finds one? Tram accidents, dogs unregistered, infants dying, unhappy marriages, slugs, intoxication." "Thaf s only one side." "Which I was at the point of saying. I shudder. I regret that colonial beer I have drunk at lunch. I think what will happen to me. I resolve not to ride on trams, I determine I will huy a dog and register him, I will not marry and cause infants to die, I will not cultivate a garden, I will remember to continuo being sober. A great responsibility, my old! You not wonder now why that silver hair appear in my whiskers! Effrayed, I turn over the page of the journal. Ha! I find that unless tho demondrink is sold the crime will increase, the gaols fill, the cows go dry, the bronchitis and lumbago sweep away the population. Look at Maine, says this ad. And, my old, I look and turn away so quickly as possible. Where am I? What to do? By blue, this is frightening." "Believe none of the ads., old chap." "One must believe something. I am alarmed. I feel faint. Ring the bell, my old. Ha, gareon, bring me—Oh, by blue! What dare I order? Whisky? Impossible! Water? No, a thousand times! Waiter, bring mo a biscuit. What a life, my friend!"

It is cheering to find that the gentlemen who object to the holding of prizefights in the Town Hall are not the extremists they are often represented to be. Dr. Gibb objects to prize-fights, but he "does not oppose boxing a3 a sport." This concession will probably earn him a privato wigging from Mr. J. J. North, but most of us will rejoice. Not, mind you, that the reverend Doctor believes in boxing contests in which the men hit each other hard, or hit each other at all. This is not much, but it is something. Nor is Dr; Gibb an out-and-out exponent of laughter. He does not altogether mind amusement, provided that it is lofty and elevating, innocent and harmless. Ho would evon permit this amusement to bo retailed in the Town nail—a speech by Mr. Fletcher, say, in\ explanation of the attempts made by Labour and tho Reform Party to obtain his support; or a recital of the .standard jokas—the curate's egg, and so forth. Nor would ho mind if the crowd laughed, provided, of course, that it laughed in a proper manner. The Racing Club has taken heart of grace since the Rev. Doctor explained his views. It had feared that Hie Town Hall would be closed against the Race Ball. But Dr. Gibb—this, of course, is only an Inference—is not against dancing. He naturally cannot tolerate the thought of a man dancing with a lady in the Town Hall. But is that the only sort of dancing? Of course not.. What is to prevent tho club from beginning the ball at 6 p.m.? Hero is a programme: Minuets until 8 p.m.; the separation of tho sexes until 9 p.m., ladies dancing together at one end and -men at tho other, with police in tho middle; ladies to go home at 0 p.m.; men to dance Highland flings until 10 p.m., under police supervision. Dr. Gibb would approve. Why, then, call him an extremist?

This is the song of "The Silver Lining" that has been panting for expression sinco the session ended :—

Oh, sweet to go forth when dawn's yellow

And bring back tho paper to be i I It's a jolly fine paper, old follow, WTien everything's said. And to read it till tea cornea at seTen Is rather a foretaste of HeavenWhy, even tho ads. have a savour that goes to my head.

Yes, I know. There is plenty of Bolton And Izard and Barber and those; But their speeches seem fresh as they jolt on And limp to their close. I'm almost Quito glad they are spcaklne; I oven feel rather a sneaking Kogard for those tangled aad turbid orations of Joe's.

My world is the wnjmest rose colour. And blue is my sky; YOU may say tho rag never was duller But so shall not I: I chortle and chuckle and caper Because, when I open my paper, I won't have to read "Mr. Poole said" et why.

In this sunshine I simply refuse to Admit there's a cloud in the blue; I smile once again as I used to. And chucklo anew. Fate I Band out your hooks, jabs, and swings, and Your straight leftsi My heart leaps and sings and Is gay. All tho Kussells and Hoeans are Bone Irom my view.

Speak on, yo dear dullards who.follow The somewhat frayed Dae of Sir Joel Koll it out; I ehall smile as I swallow Your prosings, for. lo! I have freedom at last—how I prize it!— From the almost incredible Isitt, WTio once made our gorge riso each day: he 16 cone, and I glow.

A Sydney banker was found this week in a tent blown to pieces. A box of dynamite caps with fu6e was lying near the body. "It is presumed," said the cable message conveying the news, "that the deceased used a cap to commit suicide." What puzzles us is how the police think these things out.

By a rogrettablo oversight certain candidates were described as Liberal candidates the other day. They should have been listed, of course, as Government candidates.

The papers reported last Monday that tho end-of-thc-scssion celebrations did not ipcludo the usual "Mock Parliament" faTce. This is incorrect. The mistake arose through the omission of the Speaker to announce tho point at which tho real Parliament ended and tho mock one began, and tho regular habitues were unable to notico for themselves any break in the stylo of tho performance. On tho other hand a visitor from England who entered the Chamber a week before the end of the session was greatly delighted and amused. Ho attended constantly for tho final week, and his opinion is that ho had not dreamed that colonial legislators could keep up a dramatic farce for 60 long.

"I've hardly heard iv Joe since th session closed," said Mr. Hennessy. "What is he been doin'.'"

"Prepariu' his speech f'r afther th' eliction. 'Jawn.' ha aara fth 1 Attor-

ney-Gin'ral, 'Jawn, mus' wo hold th' diction ?' ho says, 'can't yo think out something?' 'No,' says Jawn, 'don't disturrb th' birrdr' 'What birrdr' says Joe. 'Hush,' says Jawn, 'Parnell,' ho says, 'whisht,' he says. "Thin I'd belther write me speech f'r th' day afther,' says Joe. He's now busy preparin' an explanation iv how th' Guv'mint triumphed in face iv enorrmous an' onpar'lelled odds. 'Twill bo something like this whin ho delivers it. ' 'Twuz a glorious victhry (prolonged hoots) f'r th' forrecs iv rightchuscucss (uproar). Luk at th' fac's, which I put on recorrd,' he says, 'an' I repeat I am able f say without hesitation (uproar). Th' thraitors who thry t' roon th' counthry repeated daily th' monstrous fac' that th' public debt is larrge. Not content with askin' questions in th' House that wuz rude an' onpleasant, questions about th' counthry, which is my business, the skunks actually enticed th' public into votin' agen us. On (op iv that there was a spirit iv onrost. Th' war in Thripoli was used in th' most onserupulous way, an' th' rev'lution in China was played f'r all 'twuz worth. Thin yo mus' remember that th' weather wuz agin us (uproar). I dare th' interruptors t' deny it rained last Sundah. I have th' rainfall here on recorrd. The reactionaries claim they have won manny seats, but whin yo remember that if they had not contested thim, they wud have lost thim, an' whin ye take into account th' dhrop in th' price iv vegetables an' th' onrest due thereto, an' th' state iv th' latichood an' longitude, no wan will deny (uproar), no honest man will deny (uproar). I repeat that 'tis claro that wo havo won a gran' victhry. 1" th' eye iv th' thraitors'th' figures may seem otherwise, but I defy thim (cheers). What had wo f fight on? What advantages? W'c only had four millions t' scatthcr in roads; we only had nine thousan' eight hundherd billots t' promise. Wo went unarmed into th* fight agin th' vas' corrupt inlloonco an' filthy language iv th' foe. (Uproar an' cheers.) An' wo yet retained some seats,' ho says, an' ho dhrives home with his bodyguard an' looks up th' time-table iv th' Londonbound steamers."