THE PASSING SHOW.

Dominion, Volume 1, Issue 1, 26 September 1907, Page 10

THE PASSING SHOW.

TYPES OF EVERYDAY,

ON THE TRAM.

If you want to understand the vast mystery of human nature, you must, according to tho unreliable authority of a poet, look into your own heart. To-day it is easier to look into a tram —or, rather, to be trampled upon and bumped, and treated with great dis-

respect in a tram—and it is almost as cheap. For one penny you can secure a close-range view or " the savage turning in his tomb." A tramcar is simply a vast exhibit of human emotions, the emotions that are bottled up and invisible in quieter situations, nut which are liberated, as heat liberates the hidden gases of coal, by cramcar pressure.

Nobody lias ridden far along any route without, adding to his store of .knowledge the important fact that woman is almost always lato. Who does- not know the typo that stands on the pavement, a:ici rushes at the cram, to the disgust ot tne passing foal-heaver, just as it is starting i Waving a .parcel and an umbrella, s;ie catehes the conductor's eye, ana tile just-sUirteti car stops with a jerk. She rushes on board line a cyclone, trips over her dress, staggers into tlie car, aud rtops down, hot out triumphant. "j.''are,' says the conductor. She opens liet- bag, takes out her purso, closes .her bag, opens her purse, takes otic a shilling, closes her purse, opens her hag, places the purse inside, and closes tne bag. '' is tins a iSewtowu ear:'" she tnen asks. Usually it isn't, but she buys a pons; section, dlie opens her Dag, takes out her purse, closes the bag, opens the purso, puts m the ticket aud tlie coppers, closes the purse, opens the bag, replaces the purso, closes the bag, moves her lr.outn up and down in lux-' urious adjustment of her veil, and stares with the ignorant shanielessacss of a female hottentot at the hat of tha woman opposite. An inspector Happens along, and she awakes irom ner trance or curiosity. ■ Then she opens her bag, takes out her purse.

. . . The inspector is very patient. At her stopping place she waits until tho car is restarting,, and then decides to alight. Yuch a wild rush she gets out. " Hurry oif,' 1 says the conductor and touches the bell. The lady is standing ill the road. A passing cyclist tries to pull up, and falls down. "— 1" he says, and tho lady moves off to the footpath. " iilime, Bill," says the inebriated .ircniaii to his mate, as lie rolls in on jup c; a resptctablo eitisen, who promptly looks astounded. " 'Scuso — ..'lie—'sense mo, sir," says Jim, tho mate, iiill has a pugilist's face, with .icrce bristles, but 110 is a humourist,

//hilo Jim is ,a mudtfj'-i'aced, small .man, very surly. " Head me the paper, James," says Hill. "Aw, dry up," snarls Jim. " l'eh got on the ..'l'ong car," Bill jests, with beery geniality, and essays a chatty conversation with the respectable man, but :he respectable man looks haughty. L'he conductor is greeted with effusion by Bill, who plies him with friendly questions, and at last buys tic,u;t3. 'J'iio peoplo near by attempt tu rapprcss their giggles, and look ignorant of the existence of beer and its by-products. Greatest of ail the types, perhaps, is tho Hog who will not give up his scat to a lady. There are Hogs pure, and simple, who have never heard that a lady shouldn't- stand up—usually a mean-faced man with side

.vhiskers, often a young man with pointed boots, a roll collar, and a lan.'dy tie-pin. • Then there is the rlr.lf-Hog, whs furtively crouches down in his corner and pretends that hi iocs not see tho fat lady swaying on 1 strap like a ship at sea. The British wcrking:;:an almost never

gives up his seat. On tho NewiownKarori car-s he sits tight in tho crossseats, and blows pestiferous smoke, at everybody. He won't move: " Let the blcomin' women stand I " There arc bal-niiinnered women, too, who take ■1 proffered seat with stony siJorce. Very embarrassing is tho girl who ivon't- talio your seat—a girl with some altruistic theory. You rise, she smiles dcprecatingly, she won't sit down. "I'd rather not," and you bot-h sway idiotically together by the

vacant seat. A Hog slips in and takes it.

Tho tramways revenue would b. larger were it net for the people who brrit the conductor. ilorhidly honest, folk grow uneasy and exeitu! when their stopping place approaches ivitliout their bavin}; paid their faro. Thcy climb out, and, if there is a crowd, hunt 'round the ear to deliver up t-h; nenny. The conductor gapes, and locks thunderstruck. "ITostontation, I call it," says tho fireman Bill. "Honesty is tho beat policy, mo hold mother said." Now and then some brazen person offers' a. bad threepenny hit. The. conductor o:,-amines it v. itli an eaecss of judicial care, and hands it bar!-;. " 'Ole io it." The brazen one takes it back, looking surprised protending tn bo t!:oio;i;-hly startled at the fact that thrro eonid. im n hoi' i;, ;i "Ail ! get," ho says '"irmly and dishonestly, "tint it frr.i: ; conductor, 1 ' he acids. A wicjv'b cnsiva, and, iF ho is a real r.kir.i!ii>t tie leaves the comhictor the option o takin; his name or throwing him ofi The conductor takes his name, an. for the rest of the inr.rney the bra; ..' p-ii-f.-in deiivirs a ioni; eii on I.:: ;aif;':it.' of : 'thcsa Make.:, they p.il off a ta:i ; un on }\r, and o-on't tak

it back." He explains with great detail tho circumstances under which ho camo by tho coin, looking round for sympathy and an audience. The other passengers look sternly ahead— they have no sympathy; perhaps they have tried the 4amc game themselves. The man who sits tight on the outer edge of anotherwiso empty cross seat always says, "I'm getting off at the next stop." He rides three sections, and you suspect him of dishonesty and all manner of villainous piracy. Among minor types is the woman who rushes excitedly at a full cross seat, rogardless of the fact that the other seats are. empty. A full seat has a fatal fascination for _ Woman. Womau also is prone to climb into the smoking compartments, and glares with astounded grief at the men who continuo smoking. Those are peoplo to amuse one. Anger comes when, getting off at Courtenay l'lace from an overcrowded ear —a slow processional process —into » waiting multitude, the procession is blocked by a lady who has to disentangle four bags, a dress basket, and a go-cart from under tho stairway. She should be prosecuted to death.

There are types amongst tho motormen and conductors. Tho worst of them is the fiend who starts tho car with a jerk that throws the passengers into a heap at the exit door, and pulls up with a suddenness that piles everybody together in an angry confusion. Conductors are of all kinds—genial and obliging, swift and eagle-eyed, slow and muddled, or gruif and grumpy. , A little while ago a middleaged conductor with a strong Scotch accent lectured everybody, and was incessantly yelling orders to the rage of the men and the alarm of tho ladies. These surly and irritating autocrats are rare, however. They require a. good deal of philosophy. A lady is waiting at a stopping placc, and the car pulls up. She examines the sideboard, and discovers it is not her car. The juggernaut grinds ott. Sometimes she stops the car, and holds a long inquiry into its destination, first with the motorman'and then with the conductor. Tho conference ends with her saying, "Oh!"' and backing away. Another trial of tho motonuan proceeds from everybody's queer distrust of the ability of anybody else to pull tho bell successfully. Thus, before a stopping placo, the motorman hears a fusillade of "ding dings." A man rises and . rings, then a boy, then a lady, then a man, then three people ?,t once, and then tho Anxious Woman ends with a succession of violeut jerks —in the wrong direction. The last type is tho dog—the absentminded animal who stops in the street

and thinks liard, about sonic appointment, perhaps, or how ho will arrange about dinner. A loud noiso startles him, and ho springs high in terror, but relapses into reverie again. At Inst he makes up his mind, and walks sadly in front of a tram. "Bang! Bang!" goes tlio bell, and the dog frith a rapid squirm slips aside, and gazes dismally after, the car, inside which the passengers are looking stonily at each other's hats, and catching each other's embarrassed eyes. . As. ho gazes, a cabman kicks him.- 1