VARIETIES.

Cromwell Argus, Volume 1, Issue 50, 26 October 1870, Page 6

VARIETIES.

Best time to get a mouthful of fresh air.— When he wind is in one's teeth.

What is always behind time '! —The back of a watch.

If you want to get a sure crop and a big yield, sow wild oats.

" I'll drop in as I pass," as the rain said to the open skylight. The answer to the latest question, " What is home without a baby '!" is, " Well, comparatively quiet."

A recent New York despatch thus briefly relates a story :—" Eliza Kohl, a domestic in .Newark, used kerosene to light the tire this morning. Her funeral takes place to-morrow." The fast youth ccmtributeth to the Queen's taxes on alcohol, but misuseth the Queen s English. He saith that last night hensisuu the loose, but meaneth he was tight. " Shall I help you to some of the tomatuses '.'" inquired a young exquisite of a venerable I'hysician, as he sat opposite him at an hotel table. " No sir, I thank you," replied the savant, " but I'll trouble you for the potatusses, if you please." Garrick's Reply.—" What a pity it is," said a lady to Garrick, "that you are not taller/'— " I should be happy indeed, madam," replied Garrick, "to be higher iu your estimation.'' Long Enough.—"That bed is not long enough for me," said a very tall, gruff old Englishman, upon being ushered into his bedroom by an Irish waiter at one of our hotels.—" Eaith, an' you'll find it plenty long, sir. when you get into it," was the reply ; "fur then there'll be two more feet added to it." Exit Pat, with a boot fetching up the rear. Too Modest by Half.—As the sun in its full splendour was peeping over the eastern kills, says a Yankee paper, a newly married man exclaimed, "The glory of the world is rising I'* His wife, who happened to be rising at the moment, taking the compliment to herself, siinprrcd out, " What would you say, dear, if 1 hau my silk gown on ?" There are three things which a good wife should resemble, and yet those three things she should not resemble, should be like a town clock —keep time and regularity : she should not be like a town clock—speak so loud that all the town may hear her. ishe should be like a snail —pruaeut and keep within her own house : she should not be like a snail—carry all she has on her back. She should be like an echo—speak when spoken to : she should not be like an echo —determined always to have the last word.

Slightly Deaf.—The most appalling case of deafness that we ever came across outside of an asylum was that of an old lady who lives across the street from the arsenal yard. (Jn the Queen's birthday they fired a salute of '2l gans. The old lady was observed to stand and listen as the last gun was tired, and then she exclaimed, " Come in !"

There is a woman in town looking for her husband, who came down from the cow counties some weeks ago, with two hundred dollars in his pocket to make some purchases, and who lias failed to give ixii account of himself. The other day she visited the deadhouse, and, lighting upon a particularly unpleasant corpse, proceeded to throw 7 her arms about its apology for a neck, and do a little orthodox crying and kissing. Another lady standing by was observed chewing her handkerchief with an expression of suppressed meinment. Upon the completion of the above scene, the latter lady approached the aill eted creature and gravely inquired if she had known the deceased during life. Receiving a surprised affirmative, she innocently remarked that she was glad of it, as she did not like to have strangers fooling about her Jim. The performance that ensued is best described by an eye-witness ; we were not there.

A Genuine Yankee Yarn.—Talk of Crockett ! why Ezekiel ?«ash, a genuine Downeaster, could send him to eternal smash right off. Nash chaws chain cables for tobacco, takes gunpowder for snuff, and blows his nose with a tin pocket-handkerchief. He sleeps between iron sheets, -which in Winter are made red-hot. His mother missed him when a. baby, and found him at last in a hornet's nest playing at bo-peep with a couple of rattlesnakes. as an infant, Ezekiel was a wonder. He had razors and bayonets for toys, walked in boots when he was three years old, sucked hot coals, and used to rub his gums with a nutmeg-grater. They weaned him the day he was born, and fed him on pap made of Hint stone and lignum vitaj soaked in acid. His appetite, for a boy, was awful. He ate once three parts of a hoise, and then asked if tea was ready. When he rides on a railroad he gets out to walk a trifle of forty or fifty miles, and waits an hour for the train to overtake him. The engine conies up panting aad blowing, and often says with a forced laugh, " Bust my biler, Zckiel, but of all mortal critters you're the biggist ! I reckon your father was a flash of lightning, and your mother an airibquake !