VARIETIES.

Cromwell Argus, Volume I, Issue 47, 5 October 1870, Page 7

VARIETIES.

—o How to make a tire hot.—Keep it coaled. When lovers quarrel, do they return the kisses ? The instrument for feline serenaders : the tomtom. “Ladies always put their foot in it,” says Tomkins. “Especially if it’s a pretty foot,’’ says Mrs T. From the Rural Districts.—What is the difference between a justice of the peace, and a piece of justice ? What is the difference between a raw recruit and a bumptious ensign ?—The one wants weU setting up, and the other well setting down. A grocer in the suburbs, when complained to about selling bad eggs, said, “ At this time of the year the hens are not well, and often lay bad eggs-” Not Exactly.—The gentleman who took a country lad into his service, last year, found him in boots. Well, we don’t suppose he expected to find him bare-footed. Notice.—To any one who can say “ Shoes and socks shock Susan,” with rapidity and faultless pronunciation four times running, a large reward will be paid. “ Oh, Day and Night !”—Officer (to drunken recruit on sentry).—“ Why don’t you salute? Don’t you see I’m the officer of the day ?” Sentry.—“ Are ye? Thenwhoi the devil d’ye come here in the night ?” Poor Thing.—A young lady, do what she would, couldn’t make her figure exactly like that of a wasp, was heard the other day to make some sad complaint against her “wilful waist.” Trapped.—A Western editor has placed over his marriage heading a cut representing a large trap, sprung, with the motto, “ The trap down ; another ninny caught. ” Critical.—ln the notice of a review, the following suggestion is made The volume contains six articles, and would have been much improved, we think, if half a dozen of them had been struck out.” A Worse Fate.—Bachelors are a much-abused class of persons ; but Wormwood says it is much better to be laughed at for not being married than to be unable to laugh yourself because you are. A surgeon of Paris lately showed to one of his friends an instrument with a handle carved in bone, when the following touch of nature, A la Frnnctme , took place: “Do you know,” lie asked, “of what this handle is made?” —“Of ivory, I suppose.” “ No,” said the doctor, while tears almost choked his voice, “it is the thighbone of my poor aunt. ” “ Where there’s a will there’s a way.” Cook. “ Please’m, I wishes to give warning” Mistress (surprised).—“ Why, what’s the matter?’’ Cook.—“ The fact is, mum. I'm going to get married !” Mistress.—“ Why, cook, 1 did not know vou were engaged,” Cook.— “ Which T ham not azictly engaged, as yet. mum ; but I feels mvself of that ’appy disposition as I could love any man, mum '."—Punch. Proof Positive.—Wife (who has been “ Sitting up”).—Well, this is a pretty time to come home_ Fouc o’clock !" Husband (who has taken nothing but one glass of a curious compound, spoken of by himself as “ Wiskanwarra”).— “Wha’ you mean, madam, byForklock ! Unfortunately for you, madam, it sho ’appnna curionsleniiff, I parsbed Big Ben, madam, and heard it strike ope (hie) several times, madam !” (Retires to bed in triumph and hki boota).